My Dinner with A-Holes

For younger people, people younger than 45, say, I suspect all I’d have to say about Roman Polanski’s new film Carnage is that it takes place entirely within two rooms of an apartment building and the hall, and they’d stay away in droves. You kids with your short attention spans and your facetime and your f*ckable iPads, that’s an immature and close-minded reason not to see a movie. But in this case, luckily, there are also plenty of others.

Based on the play God of Carnage, by French playwright Yasmina Reza, Carnage follows two sets of parents, played by John C. Reilly and Jodie Foster, and Christoph Waltz and Kate Winslet, who meet to discuss a fight between their sons in a civilized manner. But as the day wears on, they become increasingly childish themselves! That’s… well, that’s pretty much it, really (feel free to make your own joke here about the guy creating an idealized vision of youthful innocence being Roman f*cking Polanski). It’s the kind of film that a certain sect of the older generation considers “classic drama,” that they’re going to try to sell to the rest of us, because people just don’t appreciate real stories without robots punchin’ each other anymore, gall durn it! Fair enough, but 12 Angry Men this ain’t. It’s important to make a distinction between a “scathing critique of contemporary society!” and characters obnoxiously bickering about contemporary issues in an unrealistic way.

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’d watch a movie with John C. Reilly and Christoph Waltz in it even if the director was a child rapist. In totally unrelated news, here we have the trailer for Carnage, adapted from the play God of Carnage, directed by Roman Polanski, starring John C. Reilly, Christoph Waltz, Kate Winslet, and Jodie Foster. It appears to have only one location, much like Polanski himself from December 2009 to July 2010, because of the raping.

As for the plot, seems Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz’ kid beat up John C. Reilly and Jody Foster’s  kid at school, and now they’re having a big, philosophical to-do about it. At one point, Waltz is such a workaholic that his wife dunks his cell phone in water to teach him a lesson. How original! But wait, you’ll ruin his important business meeting with the Japanese! Still, I liked it better when an eagle stole Sandra Bullock’s Blackberry. More symbolic or something.

After the jump, two gifs that would’ve made this trailer a lot better.

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"DOES SHE HAVE A DAUGHTER?"

Jeez, poor convicted rapist Roman Polanski can’t catch a break.  Back in October, 1968 Playmate of the Year Angela Dorian, now 66, was arrested for the attempted murder of her husband, Bruce Rathgeb.  She allegedly shot him in the back during an argument. Now it turns out the gun she used may have been a gift from Roman Polanski.  A gift for what? Probably for sitting still during the rape.

Sources close to the case tell TMZ, it all started back in 1969 … the night before Charles Manson orchestrated the infamous murder of Sharon Tate … Polanski’s then wife.
We’re told Playmate Angela Dorian was close friends with Tate … and they even spent the evening together before the slaughter.
After Tate was killed — sources tell us the famous director was so worried about Dorian, he gave her his handgun for protection …. a Walther PPK .380, just like James Bond. [Dear TMZ: Ellipses and dashes are not clever substitutes for periods and commas. -Ed]

Fast forward 41 years … sources tell us investigators believe Dorian used the very same gun to shoot her husband after an argument turned violent. She faces up to life in prison if convicted. [TMZ]

It’s just sad that a guy had to almost die and a woman go to prison in order to prevent countless gun rapes.  Also, I love the picture of Roman Polanski that TMZ dug up to go with this story.  Tell me this guy wasn’t the inspiration for Austin Powers:

"Oh behaaave. Seriously, there's no need to get the police involved."

Former model Edith Vogulhut has gone public with allegations that miniature film director Roman Polanski raped and sodomized her at Jack Nicholson’s house in 1974 when she was 21.  Her timing is perfect, because thanks to the Swiss justice system and the gavels they probably bought with laundered Nazi money and stolen Jew gold, Roman Polanski is a free man now.  If you’re keeping score at home, Vogelhut is Polanski’s third accuser, after Samantha Geimer, for which he is a fugitive, and British actress Charlotte Lewis a few months ago.  While it’s true that Vogulhut also has a tell-all book coming out, I’m inclined to trust a lady in a giant black hat.  From RadarOnline:

“I kind of knew that we’re going to have sex, but I didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary…I did not expect to be sodomized,” she said.

Vogelhut says that after drinking some Brandy together Polanski gave her an MDMA — commonly known as Ecstasy — and told her: “It’s a really good drug. It will make you feel good, it will mellow you out. It’s like a stimulator.”

When they eventually made it to the bedroom, she says Polanski handcuffed her and raped her.

“He grabs me by the hair, jerks my head up, snaps amyl nitrate under my nose [which when inhaled has a psychoactive effect] and enters me anally,” Vogelhut recalled of the horrifying night.  [transcribed from the video: "I did not expect to be entered this way. There was no foreplay, nothing.  No kissing, no tenderness, nothing.  I thought, maybe this is what they do in Hollywood."]

“I hurt. This was rape. I was anally raped repeatedly.”

Sounds like a trip to the DMV, am I right, guys??? (*looks around for high five*)  But seriously, I know Roman Polanski had his parents die in the Holocaust and his pregnant wife* murdered by the Manson family and all, so he has earned a little understanding towards abnormal sex practices.  But I was thinking something more along the lines of light bondage, a foot fetish, maybe a Nixon mask. Even assuming a little leeway, dry anal rape still seems beyond the pale.  On the other hand, there’s nothing worse than a chick who acts like she’s dyin’ for it all night, but all of a sudden turns prude when you bust out the handcuffs and sodomy.  Well excuuuse me, your highness, I thought we were gonna get romantic.

*Knowing what we know now, maybe it would’ve been a butt baby anyway?  Okay, okay, too far.

(“LOCK UP ZEE NURSERY, ZEESS SEX MACHINE EES FREE!”)

Just to recap, Roman Polanski was arrested in September of last year on 30-year old rape charges.  He wasn’t wanted in Switzerland, but Swiss authorities arrested him on behalf of the US, presumably in order to extradite him.  After nine months, the Swiss have decided to release him.  Meanwhile, all the victim ever said she wanted was for the case to be resolved as quickly as possible.  So it’s a good thing the Swiss spent nine months getting this case back in the headlines in order to RESOLVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL.

BERN, Switzerland – The Swiss government declared renowned film director Roman Polanski a free man on Monday after rejecting a U.S. request to extradite him on a charge of having sex in 1977 with a 13-year-old girl. [Unconsentual, I think being the key word here.  Get your sh*t together, AP.]

The Swiss mostly blamed U.S. authorities for failing to provide confidential testimony about Polanski’s sentencing procedure in 1977-1978.

The Swiss government said it had sought confidential testimony given on Jan. 26 by Roger Gunson, the Los Angeles attorney in charge of the original prosecution against Polanski. Washington rejected the request.

The issue in the case was that 30 years ago, the judge sentenced Polanski to a 90-day psych evaluation that Polanski’s lawyers said was essentially a plea bargain.  But then when Polanski had completed it (released after 42 days, anyway…), the judge bowed to public pressure and sought to sentence Polanski to prison time, at which point Polanski fled.

Based on references to Gunson’s testimony in U.S. courts, the Swiss said it “should prove” that Polanski served his sentence after undergoing 42 days of diagnostic study.

“If this were the case, Roman Polanski would actually have already served his sentence and therefore both the proceedings on which the U.S. extradition request is founded and the request itself would have no foundation,” the ministry said. [AP]

Seems like they could’ve figured this out before they arrested Roman Polanski, considering, you know THEY HAD THIRTY F*CKING YEARS.  Every single person involved with this case deserves to be ass raped, and not by some three-foot-tall Frenchman.  Said Polanski’s lawyer, “We’re glad for this ordeal to be over.  Let’s not forget, my client had to spend six months locked up in a Swiss chalet.  A chalet!  Oh God, it’s too terrible!” and then burst into tears.