As if the old “intertwining vignettes of rom-com clichés played by famous chicks” storyline wasn’t already enough of a testicle forcefield, What to Expect When You’re Expecting has released character posters of all the principles, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Brooklyn Decker, and Anna Kendrick… and they’re all pregnant. Five pregnant chicks. Revolting. MORE LIKE WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTORATING, AMIRITE? Not even Brooklyn Decker’s coquettish, “Oops, someone f*cked a baby into me, tee hee!” face could make this palatable. On the plus side, I emailed this to Burnsy and now our periods are synchronized. This ad campaign is the perfect gender-reverse of those Dr. Pepper 10 commercials.

“What to Expect When You’re Expecting: It’s not for men.”

Women be shoppin, y’all. Women be shoppin’.

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New Year’s Eve is New Line/Warner Bros’ latest attempt to capitalize on the throw-10-trite-premises-at-the-wall-and-call-it-a-day formula of Valentine’s Day, which itself was basically Love Actually with more vignettes and famouser actors. Directed by the hollowed-out husk of Garry Marshall, it stars a who’s who of bland white jagoffs who make me want to kill myself, including Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Bon Jovi, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, that chick from Glee, and a billion other people including a cameo by Ryan Seacrest, in what appears to be an earnest attempt to create cinematic ipecac. A vom-com, say. My God, if I could kick a movie in the stomach… You can watch the just-released trailer below, if you dare. The horror, the horror…

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When Oliver and I come up with an idea for a supercut (like his drag quiz from this morning), it’s usually something we discuss over moonshine while we shoot squirrels off our yard car.  Nerve on the other hand, recently put together this ode to pretty women falling down, and apparently based it on a quote from the New Yorker.  Well la di dah, Professor Cityboy.  Around here, that’s the kinda fancy falutin’ that’ll get you pecker-whacked with squirrel bats. (*spits dip into Gatorade bottle, leans back against truck hitch*)

“‘To make a woman adorable,’ one female sucessful screenwriter says, ‘you have to defeat her at the beginning… It’s as simple as making the girl cry, fifteen minutes into the movie.’ Relatability is based on vulnerability, which creates likeability. With male characters, smoking pot, getting drunk, and lying around watching porn is likeable; with females, the same conduct is hateful. So funny women must not only be gorgeous; they must fall down and then sob, knowing it’s all their fault.” — Tad Friend in The New Yorker, April 11, 2011

It looks like Cameron Diaz smokes pot and gets drunk plenty in Bad Teacher, but I suppose that’s not out yet.  Anyway, cool supercut.  Though I would’ve called it “Bitches Be Trippin’, Yo.”

[Nerve]

Aw, remember 1995?

Drew Barrymore made her directorial debut in 2009 on Whip It, a film which delivered a strong message that young girls shouldn’t just accept their paternalistic society-mandated role as Susie Homemakers and be objectified as pageant queens, but should instead put on roller skates and slutty outfits and beat other up while fetishists jack off.  That’s what I got from it, anyway.  Seemed like it was slightly open-ended.

For her next film, she’s set to team with the writers of She’s Just Not That Into You and explore the rich, women-be-shoppin’ genre (and the rich-women-be-shopping’ genre as well, for that matter).

How to Be Single, a New Line romantic comedy that Barrymore is also producing with her Flower Films partner Nancy Juvonen, is based on the same-titled novel written by Liz Tuccillo and published by Atria in 2008. In the mold of New Line’s successful multi-story pics such as He’s Just Not That Into You and Valentine’s Day, Single explores the loves lives and break-ups of a group of New Yorkers over the course of ten years. [THR]

Set in New York?  Thank God, it’s about time the single women of that city got some press.  But wait, did you say over the course of TEN YEARS??  Jesus, how long does it take a pair of attractive, platonic friends to realize they wanna f*ck?  You know, what they really need is a well-dressed, precocious child to give them spot-on love advice.

I apologize in advance for yet again making you aware of a new Kate Hudson rom-com, but I find this project fascinating.  First, the awesomely rom-commy title, “Something Borrowed,” should tell you everything you need to know.  But if that’s not enough, you also get a trailer that sets up the story — Ginnifer Goodwin’s best friend Kate Hudson is marrying her super-handsome-but-platonic male friend.  MY GOD, I’VE NEVER SEEN A ROMANTIC COMEDY BEFORE, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN BETWEEN THE TWO ATTRACTIVE PLATONIC CAUCASIANS BEFORE THE CREDITS ROLL??  Oh, but it doesn’t stop there.  It also introduces a brand new, even-more-intelligence-insulting character to the crappy rom-com family: EXPOSITORY JOHN KRASINSKI!

BUT WAIT, I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE SUBTEXT OF THE THING THAT HAPPENED FIVE SECONDS AGO, PLEASE BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME, JOHN KRASINSKI! HEY, MAYBE WE COULD EVEN HAVE CHARACTER CONFESSIONALS LIKE ON THE HILLS! Ooh, ooh, what else can we cross off the lazy hack writer checklist?

• Irrelevant dance montage
• Character chokes on wine at dinner party, OH NO, NOT THE FREUDIAN WINE CHOKE!
• Running through the rain

Also, this isn’t really a cliché, but it’s such a stunningly nauseating example of yuppie mouth puke that I thought it bore mention… F*CKING BADMINTON ON THE BEACH WHILE DRINKING CHARDONNAY:

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