In case you forgot, Universal is still moving forward with a big screen adaptation of the 1980s video game “Asteroids.” The game, of course, was about a triangle that spins around in circles and fires at trapezoids that split into tinier shapes, supposedly representing giant rocks hurling through outer space. At some point, an executive at Universal said, “People would probably want to watch a movie about that triangle” and he cut a check for a few million dollars to buy the rights.

Now, the Lorenzo di Bonaventura production, being directed by none other than Roland Emmerich, has picked up a writer, who will somehow create a plot for this film, while pretending that Armageddon never happened. I like to think we all already pretend that.

Universal’s adaptation of the Atari video game Asteroids, meanwhile, will be written by Evan Spiliotopoulos. Matt Lopez (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice) originally worked on the script. Spiliotopoulos was a writer on the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman.

The trade says “the plotline for the film adaptation has evolved into the story of two estranged brothers that must team up to save Earth from an alien race.” [Via Coming Soon]

Hold on, an alien race? I assume they’re going to imply that creatures from outer space are suddenly firing giant space rocks at Earth and these estranged brothers will have to overcome their hatred of each other – probably because one married the other’s high school sweetheart or raped his dog, or something like that – to fly away in a triangle and spin around and break the asteroids into tiny little pieces. There, I just saved Spiliotopoulos a lot of time.

Everyone knows Shakespeare plays are full of florid prose and human drama. But what if the director of Independence Day made a movie about Shakespeare? What this film presupposes is, what if there were sword fights and executions and the characters didn’t talk like fags? That’s more or less the story of Roland Emmerich’s Anonymous, which recently released its second trailer (the first had cannon fights!).

“Since when did words ever win a kingdom?”

“…Leave that to me.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It’s like drama class Michael Bay! WE WILL DROP WORDSPLOSIONS ON THE EIFFEL TOWER OF PARCHMENT! Would a ‘Splosion by any other name still be totally sick, bro? Anyway, this looks awesome, but am I wrong for thinking that Roland Emmerich’s swordfights-and-explosions Shakespeare movie suddenly looks pretty tame in comparison to Paul WS Anderson’s 3D, Steampunk Three Musketeers movie with floating pirate ship cannon fights? You can’t fade floating cannon fights, Brobespierre, that’s science.

[ComingSoon]

When I heard Lorenzo Di Bonaventura was planning an adaptation of the Atari game Asteroids, I was super excited because 4-bit images of rocks are my favorite. Now it gets even better, as Vulture reports that Universal has offered the project to Roland Emmerich (2012, The Day After Tomorrow) a director who’s really good at blowing things up and nothing else.  The guy made a movie about Shakespeare and the trailer had cannon fights in it, so it’s a safe bet that this will also include fire.

Vulture hears that Asteroids has just been offered to Emmerich by Universal, which is developing the feature film with Transformers: Dark of the Moon producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura. The script comes from Matt Lopez, best known for writing Disney’s The Race to Witch Mountain.

But it’s not all bad, he also wrote Adam Sandler’s Bedtime Stories and Nic Cage’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

Now, wait. We already know what you’re thinking: Doesn’t even thinking about directing this violate Emmerich’s self-proclaimed ban on making any more movies showing the destruction of Earth? Ah, but hold! Our spies tell us that, technically, no, it does not, because Asteroids is actually set after the destruction of Earth!
We’re told it’s an ersatz sequel to world-ending Emmerich films like Independence Day and 2012, but one in which the aliens have won. The remnants of human civilization are now living on far-flung colonies within an asteroid belt alongside aliens. The survivors were led to believe that this alien civilization was benevolent, rescuing them from doom, but ultimately discover that the aliens have engineered Earth’s destruction, and soon will do the same for the rest of humankind. [Vulture]

Phew, for a second there I was really worried about Roland Emmerich violating his principles. Anyway, this should be great. Movies based on primitive videogames are always just the best.

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FLAMING CANNON ARMORED SWORDFIGHT!

As the director of Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012, 10,000 BC, and Godzilla, Roland Emmerich is to large-scale, CGI disasters what Michael Bay is to explosions and sassy black people.  When it was announced a few years ago that he’d be making a film about Shakespeare, we just assumed it’d be the most OOH WHA-AH AH-AHiest take on Shakespeare ever made. TO RUN OR NOT TO RUN??? (*meteor smashes Eiffel Tower*) RUN!

Today, Anonymous has a trailer, and it starts with narration which lifts almost word-for-word the tagline of Eli Cash’s fictional novel in The Royal Tenenbaums: “Everyone knows Shakespeare wrote hundreds of the most respected works in the English language, and they were all boring.  What this movie preSUPPOSES is… maybe they weren’t?”

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The idea of a sequel to Independence Day has been floating around for a while now, but the sticking point was always being able to get Will Smith and afford his $20 million+ price tag.  But according to a still-unconfirmed IESB rumor, Smith is onboard for two sequels. And it is my fervent hope that the second will be called Welcome Back Ta Earff Again.

IESB has received a tip that Will Smith is now locked for not only Independence Day 2, but also a third installment. According to our sources, if all goes according to plan, the sequel(s) could shoot as early as 2011.

This would be Emmerich’s next directorial endeavor after his William Shakespeare thriller Anonymous. This would also come after Will Smith’s next (which will be either The City That Sailed or Men in Black 3). So this wouldn’t interfere with those projects. [IESB]

At this point, you figure Roland Emmerich must get a discount on that shot of cars stalled in the middle of the road while people look up at the sky.  That’s the quintessential Roland Emmerich movie moment.  And if I had one suggestion that would make these sequels awesome, it would be…

Basically, something like this, but with aliens.