Here’s what’s coming out this weekend to help you nurse your hangover or the pain of not going out on Halloween.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
I hope to see this for no better reason than to spite this A-hole who banned it.  In general, there are rarely better reasons than spite, I find.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley
Oh boy, a horror movie in time for Halloween.  Chace Crawford is in it.  I don’t really know who that is, but not only is his name Chase, he spells it creatively.  My fist likes him.

The Changeling
I want my son back!  I want MY son back!  He’s the Cambodian playing Skee Ball with Jonathan Rhys-Meyers!

RocknRolla
Hope you’ve read my review of this one since I posted it twice.  I swear to God I’ll cry.  Conclusion: needs more Statham.

Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father
A documentary filmmaker’s ode to his murdered best friend’s infant son, who was… well, let’s just say it’s the most insanely depressing sounding movie synopsis I’ve ever heard.  More of a tearjerker than a dickjerker, let’s put it that way.

RocknRolla expands into wide release today.  Below is my original review from a few weeks ago.

This is a review.  Reviews are longer than normal FilmDrunk posts because they bought pills off the internet.

Lock, Stock and a Revolving Snatch

Like the AC/DC of filmmaking, Guy Ritchie’s talent and his curse is the ability write the same thing slightly differently a hundred times.  That’s why RocknRolla can be better than 95% of the alternatives and still feel like something you’ve already seen.

Tom Wilkinson plays the old Ritchie standby, the wise but sadistic gangster who dispenses life lessons while torturing dudes and drinking tea.  Like Bricktop in Snatch, who enjoyed feeding his rivals to pigs, Wilkinson’s Lenny Cole favors dunking them in a crayfish-infested section of the Thames (Really?  Of all the nasty slimy disgusting invertebrates out there, the most intimidating thing you can think of is the edible mini lobster?). Cole also shares with Bricktop an affinity for grabbing guys by the balls as a negotiating tactic (Get it?  It’s like the opposite of a metaphor).

Wilkinson is mixed up in a complicated real estate deal with a Russian mobster, a gang of vaguely criminalish local toughs led by Gerard Butler, a young lawyer involved in a city zoning plan, and a rogue accountant played by the creepily lizard-like Thandie Newton.  Without getting into too much detail, the basic premise is that the Russian loans Cole his lucky painting (which we never actually see  – briefcase in Pulp Fiction much?), which is then promptly stolen by Cole’s Pete Doherty-esque junkie rockstar stepson who has recently faked his own death. The accountant falls for the thug and starts tipping him off to the time and locations of  her boss the Russian’s large-scale cash withdrawals, money with which the Russian intends to bribe Wilkinson, which Butler’s gang steals, but which ends up going to Cole anyway, since Butler’s guys only stole it from the Russian because they owed Cole money in the first place (though we’re never really clear on why).  You catch all that?  It doesn’t really matter.

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Opening this weekend:

Body of Lies: Russell Crowe and Leo try to fight the war on terror with their pants on fire.  If nothing else, you’ll be able to hear a new Guns n Roses song.  It’s apropos that Axl Rose would be affiliated with something called “Body of Lies” considering he looks like a middle-aged lesbian these days.  Still, the magic is gone since I heard they cut Russell Crowe’s hilarious zinger about Greek women.

City of Ember: I’m boycotting anything with that chick from Atonement in it.

The Express:  Heartwarming story of triumph based on the life of the first black Heisman Trophy winner.  Hey, you know he gets leukemia and dies before he ever makes it to the pros, right?  What kind of f-cked up shit is that?  “Hey kids, you can achieve anything you put your mind to.  Also, your heart might stop or your dick might rot off for no reason one day.  Life’s a trip, huh?”

Quarantine: I feel like I’ve already seen this movie nine times and have always wanted my money back afterwards.  But it’s a Screen Gems production so I’m sure it will be great, he said as he made an exaggerated wanking gesture.

Rocknrolla: Guy Ritchie’s new film – in limited release this weekend, expanding to wide October 31st. It’s getting largely mixed reviews.  What do you expect when Jason Statham’s not in it?  A Guy Ritchie movie without the Stath’ is like a child without laughter.

The opening title sequence from Guy Ritchie’s Rocknrolla has hit the web, and you can watch it above.  Ritchie dabbled in animation in his last movie, Revolver, which only made sense insofar as I guess he wanted to keep ripping off Tarantino. Here it seems like a better fit.  The artist is a guy named Danny Yount, who also did the credits for Iron Man and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.  If I could draw as well as him, I’d probably draw some naked ladies doing naughty things to each other instead of these seagulls who look suspiciously like lowercase Ms.

A new TV spot was just released for RocknRolla, Guy Ritchie’s latest film which will hopefully put the Madonna period in his life behind him and usher in a golden era of not sucking.   The film stars Tom Wilkinson and Gerard Butler, and the TV spot has lots of thick Cockney voice over, which is a lot more fun if you picture the Geico lizard saying it.

[Watch the clip over at Empire]