Here’s the new poster for Battleship (GRRR, SLOW-MOTION ‘SPLOSIONS!), and… Jesus, is that… a floating Decepticon that shoots lens flares? …Sounds about right, actually. Eat your heart out, JJ Abrams.

By the way, I read the script for this piece, and the fact that someone thought it was a good idea to spend $200 million making it is MIND-BLOWING. It would be a miracle if it was anything approaching “good,” and yet the subtext of someone okaying that kind of expenditure on… this… could make it sort of morbidly fascinating. This could be the Winchester Mystery House of movies.

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The news today for Tom Cruise’s latest project, Rock of Ages, is that Saturday Night Live’s Will Forte is joining the cast of this Broadway-to-big-screen musical adaptation. Forte joins Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Bryan Cranston, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Malin Akerman’s super hot self, among others, for this star-studded celebration of the Tony-nominated musical.

Cruise is playing 80s rock superstar Stacee Jaxx and you can see from the image above that he’s hardly sacrificing his trademark manliness that he’s so well-known for these days. Don’t you worry about that, friends, because his woman, Katie Holmes, says that he’s still a boss.

“Two years ago he took me up on his P-51 Mustang, a fighter plane from World War II. He painted the words, ‘Kiss Me, Kate’ on the side,” Holmes says in the August issue of InStyle. “It feels like you’re on a bike in the sky. I thought, I’m either going to spend this whole flight totally freaked out or realize this is pretty thrilling.” (Via People)

When they landed, Katie wrapped her arms around Tom’s neck and moved in to kiss him, but he pulled back and said, “Stop it! You’re messing up my scarf!”

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"Are you ready to rock???" "AS LONG AS THERE AREN'T ANY GAYS IN THERE!"

Here’s the first picture of Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages, an adaptation of the Broadway musical of the same name in which Cruise plays heavy metal singer Stacee Jaxx.  Co-starring Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand, Rock of Ages comes from criminally under-recognized hack Adam Shankman, who started his career as a choreographer, then made The Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez, then was allowed to direct six more movies.  It’s one of the all-time great Hollywood success stories. Rock of Ages centers around a love story between characters played by Diego Boneta and Julianne Hough, set during “the rock music scene of 1987.”  Said Shankman of casting Boneta:

“It’s that feeling you get when you realized you’ve discovered lightning in a bottle,” Shankman just told me about Boneta’s audition. “It reminds me of when Zac Efron auditioned for Hairspray, Channing Tatum for Step Up and Liam Hemsworth auditioned for The Last Song. When the guy walks in, the guy walks in!”

This is going to be worse than Chernobyl.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, this is terrifying news.  Hollywood Reporter today is reporting that Tom Cruise is in final negotiations to star in the film adaptation of the Broadway musical Rock of Ages for director Adam Shankman (Shankman is the guy who was once moved to tears by So You Think You Can Dance, by the way).  If you’ll recall, the last time a totally-not-gay Scientologist starred in an Adam Shankman musical, it looked something like this:

OH GOD, KILL IT WITH FIRE

(*climbs down off pink unicorn, adjusts leather thong, finishes tongue kissing Anderson Cooper, pauses season finale of Glee*) Hoo boy, this sounds gay.

Tom Cruise is in final negotiations to co-star in Rock of Ages, New Line’s adaptation of the hit stage musical about 1980s rockers.  The actor will play Stacee Jaxx, the arrogant and charming star at the top of his career. Jaxx sings Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead of Alive” in the theater production. [THR]

Shankman, who in addition to Hairspray is also the director behind The Pacifier and Cheaper by the Dozen 2, once described Rock of Ages as ‘like Mamma Mia for dudes.’  And as a dude myself, I can totally see the appeal of watching other dudes prance about in spandex singing glam rock songs.   I just worry whether a straight-shooter like Tom Cruise understands what he’s getting himself into.  “Oh sure, I like musical theater.  As long as there are no gays in ther– MOTHER OF GOD!”

While researching this story, I found this. I thought you should see it.

This is a clip from So You Think You Can Dance when Adam Shankman was guest hosting — the dancing was so beautiful it made him cry, you see.  It’s related because Shankman, a former choreographer who went on to direct The Pacifier, Bringing Down the House, and Cheaper by the Dozen 2, has signed on to direct the screen version of the musical Rock of Ages, which he calls “Mamma Mia for dudes.”

The musical tells the story of a couple that meets at the Sunset Strip club Rock of Ages, falls in love and tries to stay together amid the rough and tumble rock lifestyle [?]. The cast finds reasons to belt out 80s rock anthems by Journey, Twisted Sister, Joan Jett, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar and others.

“I had the best time of my life making `Hairspray’ and badly wanted another musical, and when I watched `Rock of Ages,’ I was struck by the fact that not only had much of the audience seen it more than once, every guy in the audience knew the words to the songs,” Shankman said. “I thought, `this is `Mamma Mia!’ for dudes.’”

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