It’s hard to know how much stock to put in this story, because it came secondhand from Danny Trejo and it’s not clear whether he was even being serious, but according to Trejo, he and Robert Rodriguez want Machete to be a trilogy.  It wouldn’t be surprising, considering Robert Rodriguez is the king of talking a lot of crap about projects that never happen.

Said Trejo, “We want Machete, Machete Kills, and Machete Kills Again. That’s mine and Robert’s standards, you know? Every time I text him, he’ll text me back, ‘Machete 2, coming up!’”

Every time Danny Trejo tries to text, he pushes the letters so hard that they shoot out the back of his phone, at which point he picks them up, forms them into a message, and sends via snail mail.  True story.

As for the impressive cast, including actors like Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin, Lindsay Lohan and Michelle Rodriguez, Trejo seems equally excited.
“You know, when I first saw Robert De Niro on the set, he came up and his first words to me were, ‘Don’t leave me like this, homes.’ You know, that was my line in Heat. And I kind of laughed and he said, ‘Man, Danny, I’m really proud of you. You’re the lead. This is it, this is you.’ And I looked him right in the eyes and I said, ‘Can I get some coffee, Mr. De Niro?’” Trejo laughs. “I couldn’t believe that Robert got De Niro. And then Jessica Alba, you know? And Lindsay Lohan. And Michelle Rodriguez, and Jeff Fahey, and Steven Seagal, and Cheech Marin. It just goes on and on.” [IGN]

It tends to hurts one’s point about the DeNiro mystique to mention him alongside Jeff Fahey, but I digress.  In related news, if Twilight fans are known as Twihards, I’d like to move that Danny Trejo fanatics be referred to henceforth as “Trejotos.”

(Your worst nightmare, butthorn)

Adrien Brody has agreed to take time out of his busy schedule of making out with black chicks to play the hero in Robert Rodriguez’ Predators movie.  He’ll play a “heroic mercenary who battles alien hunters,” according to Variety. A heroic, cerebral, glib, Jewish, mercenary, presumably.

Brody will star with Alice Braga, Danny Trejo [!], Walt Goggins, [old-school MMA-guy] Oleg Taktarov, Mahershalalhashbaz Ali, and Louiz Ozawa.

Hollywood Reporter adds:

Written by Rodriguez, Alex Litvak and Michael Finch, the script follows a group of elite warrior-types who are being hunted by members of a race of merciless alien trackers called Predators.
Brody is a man who ends up inheriting the mantle of leader and is known as a hunter of men. Topher Grace would play an accountant-type whose unassuming facade masks a dangerous serial killer.
Braga is the tough female killer. Ali is a man not afraid to die, Goggins is the loose canon [sic] of the group and Taktarov is a former Russian special ops agent.
Trejo, already cast, is Cuchillo, a hardened warrior with twin uzis strapped to his back.

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Opening this weekend:

Inglourious Basterds — If I have to explain to you what this movie is about, then I’m sorry about that coma you just recovered from.  Welcome back.  Now take off that hypercolor t-shirt; you look like a damn hipster.

Post Grad (trailer) — “This summer . . . look for a job . . . look for love . . . find yourself.”  . . . F–k yourself.
Oh hello there, Michael Keaton.  I didn’t know you were still alive.

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Robert Rodriguez dropped out as the director of the Barbarella remake a while back, but now it’s going forward again — with the guy who did The Ugly Truth.  Yay, I hope she’ll have vibrating underwear!  Also, this version is going to be DEADLY SERIOUS.  IRONY CANNOT SURVIVE IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE.

Joe Gazzam [if this were my name I would legally add an exclamation point. Gazzam! Gazzam! -Ed.] has been tapped to write the screenplay centering on the character that was immortalized by Jane Fonda in the 1968 original.

“Barbarella” centers on a female mercenary who roams the universe of a distant future, undertaking missions that require fearlessness, ingenuity and sensuality. The character debuted in 1962 and was known for her sexual escapades [sexy sexcapades, if you will]. There also was a musical produced in 2004.

The new take on the iconic character will not be campy, though it will keep the sexuality; there will be seductions, but the focus will be on the adventure. [THR]

No camp, you say?  I hear Michelle Rodriguez is available.  GRRR, HARDCORE SPACE LATINA!  With soundtrack by Papa Roach.

Usually Robert Rodriguez is pretty uncreative when he’s casting a movie. “Eh, I’ll just stick my slutty girlfriend in it,” he’s fond of saying.  But Variety recently reported on the actors in line for Machete, which began production this week, and it’s like all my most feverish coma fantasies come true!

• Danny Trejo
• Robert De Niro
• Jessica Alba
• Michelle Rodriguez
• Steven Seagal
• Lindsay Lohan
• Don Johnson
• Cheech Marin
• Jeff Fahey

I don’t know how they ever got insured — with Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez on the same set, they’ll have enough Latin machismo to power 1000 lowriders.   I also hear that craft services won’t be offering any food, just cigarettes and Eagles records.

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