Just days after Departed writer William Monahan and Martin Scorsese made James Toback cry bronzer-colored gravy tears (because they decided to remake The Gambler without calling him), it’s being reported that Monahan has been hired for another project: Sin City 2. “Hooray, that’s awesome!” said Bizarro Me.

Momentum has been building lately behind the long-in-development sequel to Sin City, which grossed a healthy $100 million worldwide in 2005. Rodriguez, who co-directed the original with Frank Miller (who scripted and authored the source material), said at Comic-Con in July that financing for the sequel had been arranged and shooting would begin as soon as a script could be locked, possibly by the end of this year.
Rodriguez indicated to THR during an interview at Comic-Con that actors playing characters that survived the first film are expected to return, and that because much of it is shot in pieces against green screen that scheduling shouldn’t be too difficult. [THR]

I hope you’ll excuse my lack of excitement, but that overwrought hunk of faux-artsy ball torture porn got old 35 minutes into the FIRST movie, and still managed to spawn more meathead, junior college imitators than Troy Duffy (see: Bunraku). High contrast, lots of shadow, the occasional color pop — really, we get it.

But as long as we’re shooting it on a green screen, maybe we could just get Andy Serkis to mo-cap all the characters. At least Jessica Alba’s part. That way, onscreen, you’d still see Jessica Alba, but it’d be Jessica Alba infused with the heart and soul of an actor’s performance.

In addition to screening in 3D, showings of the Robert Rodriguez-directed Spy Kids 4 will also be accompanied by scratch-and-sniff cards handed out to the audience, which the studio is calling “SPY KIDS 4, IN 4D AROMA-SCOPE,” because obviously, the fourth dimension is smell (SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE). Oh, and one of the scents on the scratch-and-sniff card is “a spy baby’s diapers.” Never hire a baby spy, dudes. I paid my friend’s kid a thousand dollars to infiltrate the Kremlin and I’d swear all he did was drool and poop himself.

“When it came time to do Spy Kids 4, I couldn’t just go back and do 3D like everybody else is now. I had to bring something extra,” Rodriguez told the AP.

“And so I revolutionized moviegoing with scratch and sniff cards. Some might say I turned 3D on its nose.”

“Just watching my own kids with interactive gaming, you ask them to watch a movie, it just feels so passive to them. I thought, this helps bridge the gap. It’s an interactive thing, almost like playing a game while you’re watching the movie.”

“I made a movie about spy babies and robot dogs, in 3D, with scratch and sniff cards. And if they’re still not paying attention, we’re going to hand out silly string so the kids can fight with it in the theater. Have fun, parents.”

In 1981, Waters released Polyester in “Odorama,” while the 2003 toon Rugrats Go Wild also used scented cards. One of the Rodriguez smells is a spy baby’s diapers. “Originally, we didn’t have any really rancid smells, but kids wanted something really stinky in there,” Rodriguez told AP. “It really doesn’t smell that bad. No one’s going to get sick in the theater.” [Deadline]

So instead of the gritty realism of the genuine article, we get yet another watered-down, slick, Hollywood take on baby poop? WHEN WILL YOU STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD, ROBERT RODRIGUEZ, WHEN?

Last night at Comic Con, where Vince was last seen challenging the cast of Glee to a jazz-hands-off, Robert Rodriguez and his new Castro hat dropped a major news bomb on his fans. Not only is he already hard at work on a Machete sequel (Machete Kills), but after that’s done and released, he’ll be giving us Machete Kills Again, which he referred to as a “space opera” or “Machete kills in space.” Funny, I remember watching the original and thinking, “Gee, this was a letdown this should be in outer space.”

On top of that, Rodriguez also said that he’s eager to get to work on Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For after he completes Spy Kids 4. The director claims that he has already written the Sin City sequel and that he’d like to get to work on it (in 3D, of course) this year. And on top of THAT, Rodriguez and Kevin Eastman announced that they are collaborating on a new Heavy Metal film, which David Fincher dropped out of in 2008.

So how the hell is Rodriguez getting all this work done, Indiewire? I mean, aside from the meth.

Already the owner of Troublemaker Studios, QuickDraw is just another avenue that buys Rodriguez his independence outside of the Hollywood system. “How to break into industry?,” he asked? “Rethink traditions. Having your own financing, you avoid the pain in the ass factor. Go right into how to get that idea out. It’s very important for a filmmaker to be part entrepreneur.” Like “Grindhouse” which spawned the career of “Hobo With A Shotgun” director Jason Eisener, Rodriguez said with “Heavy Metal” they’d also be holding a trailer contest—aspiring filmmakers take note.

Responded one of the fans in attendance, “I’m sorry, you said to rethink traditions and have your own financing? How do I get my own financing?” To which Rodriguez replied, “I’m sorry, I forgot the middle step – ???”

Dimension Films today announced that Spy Kids 4, a film that I can only imagine is about children who are also spies, will be going “4D” with “Aromascope.”  Dear Hollywood.  Scent is a sense, not a dimension.  You’d think you might know that, considering it’s… the name of your studio.  Sigh.

Dimension Films announced today that SPY KIDS: ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD is taking moviegoers to a whole new dimension in 4D with Aromascope.
Director of the highly popular SPY KIDS franchise, Robert Rodriguez, was one of the first to re-introduce audiences to 3D since its inception in the 1950s.
This innovative and celebrated franchise will now be the first to introduce audiences to the new adventure of 4D where they will have 8 special opportunities throughout the movie to access the action interactively through smell.

“Access the action interactively through smell.” Open the kimono and soup to my nuts, at the end of the day, that could be the most overblown, meaningless bullsh*t PR sentence in the history of the written word.

The introduction of scent in the movie going experience adds to the outrageous fun by enhancing the action, adventure and comedy to take you where no film has gone before.

Oops, spoke too soon.

With each individual admission ticket, kids and parents will also receive an Aromascope card that is free of charge with easy to read numbers outlined.  As the numbers flash on the movie screen the audience will rub the corresponding number on their card [wait, where do I get the number I'm supposed to rub on my card?].  When each of the 8 aromas are unleashed you will get to experience a special moment in the film and be transported into scenes in the family adventure film.  This fun added attraction takes the audience beyond sight and sound and into a symphony of scents as the movie is coming to life.

Jesus, was that translated from Japanese? If awful PR writing was one of the seven deadly sins, the killer in Seven would’ve locked this guy in a tiny room and forcefed him curry until he suffocated on his own farts. And that would be justice.

In my heart I’m aware of the universal truth that every time you criticize Danny Trejo, an angel gets shanked in prison, but I can’t help it.  Machete needed to be either a little bit better or a little bit worse.  As much as I wanted to like it, it didn’t quite work as an action movie, it wasn’t quite an exploitation movie, and it wasn’t quite a parody or a straight comedy.  In fact, aside from a handful of isolated moments of greatness, it was actually kind of dull.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a few amazing scenes: Danny Trejo rappelling out a window using a bad guy’s guts for a rope, hot, naked Mayra Leal hiding a cell phone inside her vagina (call me old-fashioned, but I’m a sucker for hot, naked girls hiding things in their vaginas).  But after opening with a bang (“Machete literally opens with a bang! -Pete Hammond“), Machete sort of fizzles out when it can’t find a consistent tone.  The coolest scenes actually work better as two-to-five minute clips separate from the movie because there just isn’t anything to hold onto in the story beyond the ridiculousness factor.  Which means that whenever someone isn’t getting their head chopped off or a grenade stuffed up their butt, you just sort of sit there tapping your foot looking at your watch waiting for nudity or violent decapitation, like when I watch The View.

The best B-movies draw you in with pulpy, raunchy ridiculousness, and then keep you engaged when you find yourself caring about the story almost in spite of yourself.  Machete never makes it happen.  (The other option is making a full-on parody of the genre like Black Dynamite, but Machete is no Black Dynamite).  For one thing, the story is kind of confusing.  There are too many characters — Jeff Fahey as the aide to anti-immigration senator Robert DeNiro, who hires Machete to shoot his boss then double crosses him, Steven Seagal as a Mexican drug lord who also has a stake in DeNiro’s plan to build an electrified border fence, Michelle Rodriguez as the Mexican Harriet Tubman known as “Shé”, Don Johnson as a ruthless Minuteman, Jessica Alba as a sympathetic Border Patrol agent, Cheech Marin as Danny Trejo’s brother, Lindsay Lohan as Fahey’s camwhore daughter — they’re all pretty great on their own (with the possible exception of Lohan, who seems to be playing a bored, wink-wink version of herself in between cigarette breaks), but what works to get people into the theater doesn’t always work to make the movie… you know… good.  I admit I too was drawn in by all the awesome names on the marquee, but trying to stuff that many people into a movie like so many day laborers into a van conversion just gets confusing. And confusion is the kiss of death for a movie like this.  It’s harder to laugh when you don’t know what the f*ck is going on. It’s why dumb chicks have terrible senses of humor.

Not only that, I’m not sure if the goal even was to make us laugh.  It’s a strange mix of over-the-top action, Three-Stooges-style slapstick, half-baked political satire, and long, seemingly earnest stretches of exposition.  Individual set pieces are brilliant, lovingly filmed by Rodriguez and co-director Ethan Maniquis in that grainy, saturated film stock with a dynamic mix of mid shots and leathery close-ups, but neat action sequences are really all the movie has going for it, and they get worse as the movie gets further along. By the end, I was reminded why I never really liked Robert Rodriguez before Planet Terror (which was great).  The final scene is full of flourishes that will remind you of the guitar-case bomb in Once Upon a Time in Mexico or the wiener-mounted pistol in Dusk Till Dawn.  I have nothing against silly or juvenile, but there’s fun silly and then there’s who-cares silly.  Machete‘s final battle sequence is a mish-mash of things that are kind of lame (a muscle car with a turbo charger that shoots rockets?  What are you, five?) and things that are confusing (who is doing what and why?).  It borders on obnoxious, because when you can’t follow the story (because it’s half-baked), all you see are actors being manic and needy.

You’ll root for Machete to be good, but you’ll have to root pretty hard (I see you giggling, Australians).  A 20-minute compilation of the best scenes would be great, the movie is not.

Grade: C+

Post script: I can confirm that Lindsay Lohan never really shows anything beyond a nipple that you can kinda maybe see through her hair extensions — she definitely shows less than she has in those “artsy” magazine spreads.  The girl on the left in the banner pic is supposed to be her character, for instance.  …You know, in case you were wondering.

Probably the biggest news today in the world of movies is that Robert Rodriguez and Fox are reportedly in negotiations for Rodriguez to direct Deadpool.  Which leads me to my next point, today is a really sucky news day.  Not that Robert Rodriguez directing Deadpool wouldn’t be news, it’s just that if that story were sex, today’s news would be rubbing your boner on a lady’s jacket on the subway.

Reports last month that Rodriguez had been offered the director’s chair on “Deadpool” met with a swirl of speculation and/or denials from the filmmaker’s camp as well as studio Fox. (The most anyone would agree to is that Rodriguez had been sent Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick**’s script.) [**The Zombieland guys]
But we’re hearing that after a few weeks of dancing, Rodriguez and studio Fox are negotiating. There’s no deal yet, and the sides need to agree on a number of key points, but it’s moved beyond the casual discussion stage and into the more substantive realm of deal points.
Rodriguez is making “Spy Kids 4,” which itself comes after he finished the exploitation action picture “Machete,” but would be looking for a big movie and one that can be marketed into a hit. [LATimes]

Robert Rodriguez seems like a pretty righteous Mexican and all, but this is still Fox we’re talking here.  I’ll give them a little credit for Predators (which Rodriguez produced), which was pretty good, if not exactly memorable.  But it’s going to be hard to make us forget what they did to Wolverine (whose story Deadpool will ignore, by the way):

It’s hard to imagine how crappy at your job you’d have to be to take the Wolverine of the comics and make that poster out of him.  It’s not quite as bad as this*, but it’s pretty damn close.   *not technically NSFW, but definitely disturbing.

MINI SITE NEWS UPDATE: Hey, kids, Daddy’s back.  I know Burnsy and Cho-Cho have probably been letting you eat candy for dinner and draw dog poop murals on the living room wall, but now it’s time for you to straighten the f*ck up and act right or else I’ll redden that ass in front of the neighbors again. Don’t think I won’t.  Anyway, expect some news posts followed by a couple more Comic-Con posts at the end of the day, because uploading all those pictures takes forever.  Now back to your regularly scheduled postings.

After the jump, Robert Rodriguez and his cute little Ché hat introduce a new trailer for Machete, which he says is pretty “loco.” (That’s how you know he’s Mexican). I’m not a Spaniard myself, so I don’t know what that means, but I can tell you that the new trailer is crazy.  How crazy?  Well, let’s just say, come for the bare boobs, stay for the Danny Trejo repelling out of a building using a guy’s guts for a rope.  Because seriously, that happens. I thought no mames, guey, but mira, eet’s true.  I’m curious as to what being on this set must’ve been like.  Because I imagine that when you put Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez in the same room, everyone ends up bleeding, pregnant, or both.

Mira, this trailer is muy NSFW, so if you wanna act like a little puto, go sell your oranges somewhere else.

I can’t confirm whether this is true, but I’ve heard the Mexican president begins every cabinet meeting by backflipping into the room wearing a wrestling mask and smashing the sh*t out of a piñata.  Then the minister who gathers up the most candy fires his pistols in the air.

[Also available in high-res at IGN]

Here’s the latest picture of Lindsay Lohan from Robert Rodriguez’ Machete, as nun with gun April Benz, holding an uzi with what I guess is a giant silencer.  Whatever it is, she’s come a long with from trying to lick her gun like a penis last week.  Haha, girls! Meanwhile, Machete opens September 8th, but Lindsay heads off to jail tomorrow.  Hopefully her co-star Michelle Rodriguez taught her a few things about lesbian prison gangs before she goes.  What?  Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply Michelle Rodriguez is a lesbian.  I just meant she’d probably know about prison and stuff because she’s Hispanic.

[via FilmTotaal]

This morning I woke up with tequila breath, my girlfriend knocked up, and a tattoo of a topless mariachi girl on my chest and I wondered why, and it turns out there’s a new Machete trailer out.  I guess with the Robert-Rodriguez-produced, Danny-Trejo-starring Predators out in theaters today, it was a perfect time to advertise the Rodriguez co-directed (along with his editor, Ethan Maniquis) Machete.

The new trailer has all the bike-mounted-chain-gun action of the first trailer with 100% more Mexican wrestling masks.  And of course appearances by all of the all-star cast — Robert DeNiro, Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, and Michelle Rodriguez in her eye patch and bra.  At first I was a little intimidated at the sight of Michelle Rodriguez in a bikini, but ever since a Tijuana medicine man made me these rosary beads out of rattlesnake bones, I just rub them and it calms me.  He gave me the title “El Gringo Joto”, which I think must be a pretty big honor over there.

[via IGN]

Danny Trejo has a Cinco de Mayo message for Arizona — ju yust f*cked with the wrong Mexican, ése. So says the new trailer for Robert Rodriguez’ Machete.  Of course, Machete began as a trailer in Grindhouse, and at first I just thought I was watching that. And then, BOOM!  Robert DeNiro.   Then the whole crazy cast started to show up, Lindsay Lohan as a nun, Michelle Rodriguez as (surprise!) a hardcore Latina, Steven Segal as a fat guy with swords, Don Johnson (!), Cheech Marin, and Jessica Alba (UPDATE: And Jeff Fahey. GRR, NOBODY PUTS FAHEY IN A CORNER!).  I can’t help noticing that they cast a bunch of awesome male actors opposite some really sh*tty female ones.  Does Michelle Rodriguez have more than one facial expression?  She seems to play everything as “smug 15-year-old.”  She’s like the Latin Avril Lavigne.  Theoretically, seeing her in a bra should be hot, but it’s actually kind of scary, because you know at any moment she could flex her pecs and that thing will shoot off and put out someone’s eye. I hear she can crack walnuts with her Kegels. True story.

****

Of course, none of this matters because MOTORCYCLE-MOUNTED GATLING GUN! Oh man, I bet Jonah Hex feels pretty stupid right now. Bringing a white dude and a horse to a Mexican motorcycle gatling-gun fight. Bush league, dude, bush league.

Viva la Mexploitation film!

[via AICN]