(Your worst nightmare, butthorn)
Adrien Brody has agreed to take time out of his busy schedule of making out with black chicks to play the hero in Robert Rodriguez’ Predators movie. He’ll play a “heroic mercenary who battles alien hunters,” according to Variety. A heroic, cerebral, glib, Jewish, mercenary, presumably.
Brody will star with Alice Braga, Danny Trejo [!], Walt Goggins, [old-school MMA-guy] Oleg Taktarov, Mahershalalhashbaz Ali, and Louiz Ozawa.
Hollywood Reporter adds:
Written by Rodriguez, Alex Litvak and Michael Finch, the script follows a group of elite warrior-types who are being hunted by members of a race of merciless alien trackers called Predators.
Brody is a man who ends up inheriting the mantle of leader and is known as a hunter of men. Topher Grace would play an accountant-type whose unassuming facade masks a dangerous serial killer.
Braga is the tough female killer. Ali is a man not afraid to die, Goggins is the loose canon [sic] of the group and Taktarov is a former Russian special ops agent.
Trejo, already cast, is Cuchillo, a hardened warrior with twin uzis strapped to his back.
Opening this weekend:
Inglourious Basterds — If I have to explain to you what this movie is about, then I’m sorry about that coma you just recovered from. Welcome back. Now take off that hypercolor t-shirt; you look like a damn hipster.
Post Grad (trailer) — “This summer . . . look for a job . . . look for love . . . find yourself.” . . . F–k yourself.
Oh hello there, Michael Keaton. I didn’t know you were still alive.
Robert Rodriguez dropped out as the director of the Barbarella remake a while back, but now it’s going forward again — with the guy who did The Ugly Truth. Yay, I hope she’ll have vibrating underwear! Also, this version is going to be DEADLY SERIOUS. IRONY CANNOT SURVIVE IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE.
Joe Gazzam [if this were my name I would legally add an exclamation point. Gazzam! Gazzam! -Ed.] has been tapped to write the screenplay centering on the character that was immortalized by Jane Fonda in the 1968 original.
“Barbarella” centers on a female mercenary who roams the universe of a distant future, undertaking missions that require fearlessness, ingenuity and sensuality. The character debuted in 1962 and was known for her sexual escapades [sexy sexcapades, if you will]. There also was a musical produced in 2004.
The new take on the iconic character will not be campy, though it will keep the sexuality; there will be seductions, but the focus will be on the adventure. [THR]
No camp, you say? I hear Michelle Rodriguez is available. GRRR, HARDCORE SPACE LATINA! With soundtrack by Papa Roach.
Usually Robert Rodriguez is pretty uncreative when he’s casting a movie. “Eh, I’ll just stick my slutty girlfriend in it,” he’s fond of saying. But Variety recently reported on the actors in line for Machete, which began production this week, and it’s like all my most feverish coma fantasies come true!
I don’t know how they ever got insured — with Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez on the same set, they’ll have enough Latin machismo to power 1000 lowriders. I also hear that craft services won’t be offering any food, just cigarettes and Eagles records.
Take this with a grain of salt or whatever food will keep you from being humiliated for believing untruths, but BloodyDisgusting claims a reliable source tells them that Robert Rodriguez’ Machete (which began as a fake trailer in Grindhouse - video after the jump) will star: Michelle Rodriguez (of course), Robert De Niro (wha?), and Jonah Hill (*spit take*). ThePlaylist also reports that Steven Seagal will make an appearance. They say none are signed, but all are “in talks.”
Machete (Trejo) is a Mexican ex-Federale with a gift for wielding a blade, who hides out as a day laborer, who is double-crossed by a corrupt state senator (De Niro).
-DANNY TREJO is returning as “Machete”
-MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ (”Lost”, Fast & Furious, Avatar) is said to be playing “Luz”.
-JONAH HILL will play “Julio”.
-Lastly, a legend of our time, ROBERT DE NIRO, will take on the role of “Senator McLaughlin”. [possible dialog: "That's right, senator. Who's Mclaughing now?"] [via Bloody-Disgusting]
I had to check if Jonah Hill’s character would be Julio as in “Hoo-lio,” or Julio as in “Jew-lio” — to which he seems better suited. ThePlaylist confirms that he would indeed be playing a Cholo. (Do jour taxes? Chale, homes, I’m too sleepy.) Either way, if any of this actually goes down, Machete will be the most crazily cast movie since The Expendables. In fact, he should call it “The Mexpendables.” Wow, let’s see how much more racism I can cram into this post. Hey, did you guys know all Indians are drunks? Hurr, look at me, I own a casino. *glug glug glug*
