Outside of Planet Terror in Grindhouse, which was surprisingly awesome, I’ve always found Robert Rodriguez’s movies just a liiiittle too dumb in a not-clever way for me to enjoy. I think it has a lot to do with his child-like obsession with silly weaponry – the penis gun in Dusk Till Dawn, the guitar guns and bombs and guitar flamethrower in Once Upon a Time in Mexico, the rocket launchers inside the engine manifold in Machete… And these things would be easier to forgive if it didn’t feel like Rodriguez thought he was being super clever. Anyway, the Rodriguez imagination is back in full effect in this new poster for Machete Kills, starring Sofia Vergara firing indiscriminately with boob guns. Because she’s using her sexuality as a weapon, get it? Where are the bullets supposed to come from, anyway? Her vagina? And how does she aim those things? They’re clearly set off in different directions at a 45-degree angle from each other, which seems like it’d be ineffective in a fire fight. Plus, she can’t fire from a covered position, she actually has to put her head and torso in a vulnerable position to return fire, which seems like a major drawback. This is basic military tactics.

More importantly, why cast an actress with world-class breasts if you’re just going to cover them in metal props? Please, sir, let Sofia’s breasts speak for themselves. I can add the “pew-pew” sounds myself.

Those kids are going to get lead poisoning.

[DreadCentral]

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A side-by-side puberty diagram, if your health book was published in Hollywood

Robert Rodriguez started directing Alexa Vega in Spy Kids when she was 12 or 13, and now that she’s 24, he’s got her in a bikini and bedazzled chaps on the set of Machete Kills, which is set to open next spring. Now that I think about it, every director could use a kids’ movie franchise. It’s kind of like your farm team. I like that necklace too. It’s one of those “What? I-was-only-looking-at-your-necklace” necklaces. Anyway, I guess if you name your daughter “Alexa Vega,” you sort of expect her to end up in a metal bikini. Which in this case is functional, it keeps the ejected uzi cartridges from hitting her in the boobs. Important.

In the sequel, ex-federale Machete (Danny Trejo) is recruited by the U.S. government to stop an arms dealer (Mel Gibson) from launching a deadly missile. Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, Charlie Sheen, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Jessica Alba, Demian Bichir, Vanessa Hudgens, Cuba Gooding, Jr., William Sadler and Marko Zaror also star. [ComingSoon]

She’s like one Danny Trejo’s tattoos come to life, but younger. (full size pic below)

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Director Robert Rodriguez tweeted the above photo this morning while announcing that he had cast none other than weird hair transplant victim Charlie Sheen as the president in his totally-necessary sequel, Machete Kills. Once again I get the feeling that whereas Quentin Tarantino wants to make us love the trashy B-movies he grew up on as much as he loves them, Robert Rodriguez kinda just wants to make trashy B-movies.

I just cast Charlie Sheen in #machetekills as the President of the United States! Who better? More soon… yfrog.com/h38lgnuj

“Machete Kills” is expected to see Trejo’s Machete being recruited by the U.S. government to battle his way across Mexico to take down an arms dealer who is looking to launch a weapon into space. Returning are Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and, of course, Danny Trejo. [ThePlaylist]

Charlie Sheen would also join previously-announced castmembers Sofia Vergara and Mel Gibson. I don’t have confirmation on this yet, but I believe the full title is “Machete Kills Things That Would’ve Been Funny Six Months Ago.”

That said, I’d give anything to hear Danny Trejo call him “Charlie Cheen” a few times.

These women are all pregnant now.

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Kicking off this week’s This Week in Posters and Stills, here’s the latest poster for Skyfall, the 23rd James Bond film, directed by Sam Mendes, starring Daniel Craig and Javier Bardem, opening November 9th. If you weren’t already thrilled for this latest Bond movie… I doubt this poster is going to change your mind.

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"I'm just imagining this, so shut the hell up."

Since 2005, Sin City has grossed almost $160 million worldwide, which is awesome because it was a fantastic movie and it briefly made us believe that Frank Miller was some sort of visionary revolutionist. Then we saw The Spirit and we were all like, “Oooooooh, we were wrong.” But bless his heart, because he’s bouncing back strong with a sequel to Sin City just 7 years after the original.

A Dame to Kill For will star Clive Owen once again as Dwight, as he’ll undoubtedly find himself rescuing a “dame” from a homicidal maniac or 12. Thankfully, Robert Rodriguez will be returning as well to help Miller’s script come to life with a little more experience and less red splashed on black and white.

“I have wanted to re-team with Frank Miller and return to the world he created since the day we wrapped the original, but have felt a duty to the fans to wait until we had something truly exceptional that would meet and exceed what have become epic expectations. ‘A Dame To Kill For’ will certainly be worth the wait.” (Via First Showing)

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? I’m probably in the minority here, but please just leave great enough alone, you guys. I’m sure that in Rodriguez’s and Miller’s heads they have this grand idea for a sequel that they think everyone will love. And maybe they’ll be right and we’ll all be like, “Wow what an awesome sequel!” But why take the chance? Why even open the door to disappointment? Because Hollywood is out of ideas, that’s why.