"Aw, he's so sweet. Shame they're going to electrocute him."

Here’s Robert Pattinson starring in the new trailer for Water for Elephants. I have to admit, as soon as I saw “Robert Pattinson” and “Water for Elephants” in the same sentence, I couldn’t shake the image of RPattz giving some fat Twilight fan a golden shower, but maybe I’m a little screwed up like that.

Based on the acclaimed bestseller, WATER FOR ELEPHANTS presents an unexpected romance in a uniquely compelling setting. Veterinary school student Jacob meets and falls in love with Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), a star performer in a circus of a bygone era. They discover beauty amidst the world of the Big Top, and come together through their compassion for a special elephant. Against all odds — including the wrath of Marlena’s charismatic but dangerous husband, August (Christoph Waltz)– Jacob and Marlena find lifelong love. [Apple]

Well sure.  If Miley Cyrus can find love over beach volleyball and saving a nest of sea turtles from a raccoon, why not a “special elephant?”  I find it’s funnier if you read “special” as “retarded”, by the way. “We hated each other at first, but every afternoon we’d go throw rocks at the retarded elephant.  We’d mock the way he walked, hold peanuts just out of reach of his trunk, and just laugh and laugh.  Eventually we fell in love.”

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“CUT!  Dammit, R-Cattz, that’s “smug!” I told you a million times, I want “heartburn!”  You’re supposed to be in love, dammit!”

Hey, is that a Canadian Hairless?  Finally, a pussy Robert Pattinson isn’t allergic to.  (*bangs gong, cartwheels off stage spraying silly string*)

[apparently this is a week old, but I missed out on the cat puns the first go round and that simply will not do]

That’s right, Twilight‘s Robert Pattinson has inspired yet another line of underwear.  The picture you see above is actually from a story about Twilight panties I did last year.  While the implication there is that Edward Cullen would want to drink your menstrual blood and control your gunt like spanks (the perfect man!), today’s product is aimed at us dudes, specifically the lumberjacks among us who want to look more like R-Pattz when we wear skinny jeans.  I think I speak for all of us when I say, “Finally!”

Marks and Spencer has announced that they are creating a men’s underwear line inspired by the sexy star.
Aptly called the R-Pant, the vampire-inspired slim-fit underwear collection of low-rise briefs and trunks is meant to be worn under skinny jeans like those sported by Katy Perry’s funny man Russell Brand and, of course, Pattinson himself.
And while the 24-year-old “Twilight” hottie will not be appearing in an ad campaign for the retailer (nor is he apparently endorsing the line), the Guardian reports that the actor has been spotted shopping for underwear at the store. [People]

Whoa, when you read that, did the voice in your head suddenly develop a lisp?   Weird.  Anyway, let me see if I have this straight: this store that Robert Pattinson shopped at once started selling underwear named after him, which Robert Pattinson neither wears nor endorses?  And it’s a Twilight product that they plan to market to men?  Now, I’m no lawyer (nor am I an underpants scientist), but this plan sounds both well thought out and fool proof to me.

How much money would they have to pay you to star in a film about snorkeling vampires, vampire fang c-sections, and werewolf-on-telepathic-vampire-fetus love affairs?  I’d probably do it for ten bucks and some flapjacks, but as I’ve noted, I once ate a cat turd on a dare.  Speaking of people who look like they just swallowed a cat turd, Vulture reports that Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner are set to make at least $25 million and probably about $41 million on the final chapter of Twilight, Snorkels the Vampire Fetus.

Insiders tell us that Summit will pay stars Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner each a whopping $25 million against 7.5 percent of the theatrical gross [Note: Not net. According to studio accountants, probably none of the Twilight movies have earned a profit. -Ed] for starring in the next and last two Twilight movies, Breaking Dawn, Parts One and Two.
Let’s conservatively assume that both Breaking Dawns do as well as New Moon [that's not that conservative, I would say it's 50-50 that they don't do as well -Ed.]: After factoring in exhibitor splits, a lesser studio share for international releases, and other typical debited fees that would give you a migraine if they were explained here, each star would take in another $16 million total, giving them all final paydays of $41 million. [Vulture]

$41 mil buys a lot of patent leather shoes. …Uh, so I’ve heard.  Still, you have to admit them getting a huge payday for this is only fair.  They’re not replaceable like Mike Dexter and the “you wanna see my sh*t guy”, and I imagine being accosted by lumbering hordes of Twihards wherever you go for the next ten years is no picnic.  If you were allergic to cats, it’d be a virtual death sentence.  The sad part is Universal is paying Taylor Lautner $7.5 mil to star in Stretch Armstrong because they think he’s a box office draw now.  As Stephenie Meyer would say, “That is a lot of money.  It was so much money, it was scary.  It was very scary.”

In between giving Twilight every award last night, MTV had time to premiere a brand new clip from the Twilight Saga: Eclipse.  I don’t want to turn this into a Twilight site, but I thought this was important.  Not since Bertolt Brecht has one ensemble so effectively re-written the conventions of drama.  Being in love = looking like you have heartburn!  Dealing with a heavy situation = talking without your lips moving! (WHY DOES TWILIGHT HATE THE DEAF??)  And is it just me, or is Kristen Stewart’s “upset about something” face a lot like Melanie Hutsell’s Tori Spelling impression face?

Semi-related: What happens when you moon a werewolf?

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