James Franco’s full Playboy interview just came out in the print edition (you may remember the teaser where he talks about what went wrong at the Oscars from a few weeks ago) and I thought I’d share some of the highlights. After all, who doesn’t love a good Franco story? There’s no problem a good dicknosing won’t cure. So. Remember that art show James Franco was involved with, where he helped Harmony Korine film that naked chick bike fight? The one where he carved “Brad Renfro” into his arm with a razor blade? Well it turns out he also wanted to get Twilight star Robert Pattinson involved.

It’s a huge project I’m incredibly honored and proud to be presenting. It’s based on Rebel Without a Cause, and some of the best contemporary artists alive—Paul McCarthy, Douglas Gordon, Ed ­Ruscha, Aaron Young, Damon McCarthy and ­Harmony Korine—worked on different sections. I wanted Robert Pattinson to be in the project, but when Harmony contacted him and told him the concept, Rob said, “I don’t get the point,” so that was that.

Oh, RPattz. The point? It’s art. And not even invisible art, the regular stuff, with naked chicks, and cutting yourself. Don’t you know any artists? Anyway, as much as I love James Franco, I can’t help but like Robert Pattinson a little more because of this. But back to the interview, another thing you might be surprised to learn is that Franco wanted to be in Twilight. Why, you ask? Why, only for the James Franco-est of reasons.

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"SHUT YOUR EYES! HIS SPARKLING PENIS IS LIKE STARING DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN!"

Breaking Dawn (aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus) is famously Stephenie Meyer’s most batsh*t book (which is saying something). So when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (PART ONE) trailer premiered at the MTV Movie Awards last night (the same night as the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards — what will I not watch first!), we were hoping to see some snorkeling vampires, vampire c-sections, werewolf-on-CGI-telepathic-vampire-fetus love, or any of the awesomely ridiculous plot elements from Breaking Dawn.  Turns out they went pretty minimal with it (would you believe the director of this has an Oscar?).  But even though the bed-smashing vampire honeymoon sex and spine-severing fetal cramps are only hinted at, it’s still delightfully ridiculous. (Great sentence, or the greatest sentence?).  We’ve got your breakdown.

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Part one of the final chapter of Twilight, Breaking Dawn, aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, opens in November, featuring Edward the chaste vampire finally consummating his inexplicable love for his sullen, charmless bride (ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS EAT HER, BUT HE CAN’T, BECAUSE HER SMELL DRIVES HIM CRAZY).  But already, images of Stephenie Meyer’s childlike notions of romance that she saw in a perfume commercial are all over the web.  “Oh, Bella, when we finally touch I’m going to French you so hard.  This is going to be the Frenchiest French kiss in the history of French, numnumnumnumnum…”

Anyway, here’s a bunch of new pictures from the movie, courtesy of the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, the most important news magazine in the universe.  But I must warn you, most of them are the boring, Stephenie Meyer Superego part of the story that looks like a corny Mervin’s ad, not the awesome Stephenie Meyers id stuff with the broken wombs, severed spines, telepathic vampire fetuses, and werewolf-on-baby man love.  I like that stuff a lot better.

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(*drops cat in surprise*) Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, it’s Edward and Bella on their wedding night!  Him being a 100-year-old undead minion of Satan who feeds on the blood of the living, Edward the vampire chastely waits until the last book of the Twilight series to finally consummate his love for Bella, and only after a long day of praying to Jesus snorkeling in Brazil.  His super vampire sex powers knock her out and fill her womb with a super-powered, telepathic half-vampire fetus that eventually severs her spine and becomes a werewolf’s love interest, but for now let’s focus on the romance. OMG, THEY’RE FINALLY DOING IT!

Entertainment Weekly has published a new shot from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 that features Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) as husband and wife – on their wedding night.
“It’s one of the most anticipated scenes,” director Bill Condon told the magazine. “I spent a tremendous amount of time thinking about it. [JOIN THE CLUB, BILL! -Ed] The anticipation is part of it and you want to play with what people expect and maybe subvert it a little and surprise them.”
“Breaking Dawn – Part 1″ opens in theaters on November 18. [ComingSoon]

Since I’m sure you were wondering, Bella’s eyes are closed like that for her own safety.  When Edward pulls down his temple garments pants, his sparkling vampire genitals glow like the suitcase in Pulp Fiction a thousand times brighter, and if a mortal were to gaze upon them, it would surely cause blindness. That’s why he and Bella only did anal when they were saving themselves for marriage.

[thanks to Jessica for that second picture]

"Aw, he's so sweet. Shame they're going to electrocute him."

Here’s Robert Pattinson starring in the new trailer for Water for Elephants. I have to admit, as soon as I saw “Robert Pattinson” and “Water for Elephants” in the same sentence, I couldn’t shake the image of RPattz giving some fat Twilight fan a golden shower, but maybe I’m a little screwed up like that.

Based on the acclaimed bestseller, WATER FOR ELEPHANTS presents an unexpected romance in a uniquely compelling setting. Veterinary school student Jacob meets and falls in love with Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), a star performer in a circus of a bygone era. They discover beauty amidst the world of the Big Top, and come together through their compassion for a special elephant. Against all odds — including the wrath of Marlena’s charismatic but dangerous husband, August (Christoph Waltz)– Jacob and Marlena find lifelong love. [Apple]

Well sure.  If Miley Cyrus can find love over beach volleyball and saving a nest of sea turtles from a raccoon, why not a “special elephant?”  I find it’s funnier if you read “special” as “retarded”, by the way. “We hated each other at first, but every afternoon we’d go throw rocks at the retarded elephant.  We’d mock the way he walked, hold peanuts just out of reach of his trunk, and just laugh and laugh.  Eventually we fell in love.”

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