Baby don't hurt us.

While I sit here waiting for someone to finally give me the ultimate mashup of movie characters making fart noises, I suppose I can settle for today’s best effort of some of Hollywood’s hunkiest A-list male actors saying, “I love you.” There are also some people in this that have no business having ever been cast as a romantic lead *pauses screen, gives middle finger to Josh Radnor* but this post is all about what you ladies want today (or until the next post).

So why don’t you draw yourself a nice, hot bubble bath, pop a bottle of bubbly, strap on a blindfold, lay back and pretend like Matt Damon, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Colin Firth, Ben Affleck, Shia LeBeouf, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Leo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, that guy from Scrubs and Paul Rudd are saying those awesome three little words to you. Also, while you’re blondfolded, I’m going to steal your TV.

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Chances are if you live in a major city, you’ve noticed small groups of young girls and desperate middle-aged women gathering near your local cineplex, and yes, your worst nightmares have come true – another Twilight movie is upon us. Twihards have been lining up at theaters as early as this past weekend so they wouldn’t miss the Thursday debut of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. That’s right, it’s a vampire love story so true that they broke it in two.

Last night, the saga’s stars showed up at the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles for the film’s premiere, and the fans were in full force there as well. In fact, here’s a sampling of actual quotes from the women – and men – of all ages who traveled from all over the country to wave insane-looking signs in the air at last night’s event:

“Rob turn this way, I’m throwing kisses at you.”

“I am literally going to die when Kristen Stewart walks by here.”

“Put your camera on me. I want to show my parents I am not at school this week.”

And my favorite:

“Oh my God, there is Robert Pattinson. Oh wait. Nope it is not him. It’s only Cody Simpson.”

But words can do no justice to the Twihardery that went down last night in L.A., so after the jump I’ve got the stars, the celebrity guests (including the Ghosts of Teen Stardom Past) and the fans. Oh my Lord, wait til you see the fans.

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"Hav-ing the time of our liiiiiives, oooooh-oooohhh..."

When Hugh Jackman and Australia director Baz Luhrmann hang out, as you can imagine, it’s just a couple of good ol’ bros, broin’ out, doin’ bro stuff. Watching the footy, blowin’ the foam off a pint of suds, and of course, doing karaoke dressed like Japanese schoolgirls. You know, like bros do. Give me a pound, dog, let’s rock this town.

From Jackman’s recent interview with MTV:

“I actually did karaoke with Rob [Pattinson]. That’s random, isn’t it?” he said. “We were on our way to Japan, and he was promoting ['Twilight'] and I didn’t talk to him at all on the flight, because he’s this really tall guy with a hood over his head literally [ZOMG, R-PATTZ IS IN THE KLAN! -Ed], and every time I’d go to the bathroom, I’d be like, ‘Man, that guy takes some serious sleeping pills,’ because this was him [slumps over] the whole time.”

But the twosome quickly went from strangers on a plane to friends at a bar. “When he got out, I was like, ‘Hey, man,’ and Baz Luhrmann was also on the flight because we were promoting ‘Australia.’ So we went out to this Japanese karaoke bar, and we invited Rob, and he came,” he said. “And it was so much fun. Man, he’s got a voice. Really soulful.”

Jackman expanded a bit on the night’s debauchery, revealing what really goes on at a Japanese karaoke bar, for the uninitiated.

“The first thing you do is you get inside this room, the doors are closed, and there’s, like, eight of you,” Jackman explained. “So it feels a little weird. And then all of a sudden, they open, and they bring in these boxes, which are basically [full of] dress-up [clothes], and it’s all girls’ clothes. I was a schoolgirl, Baz got dressed up, and Rob did not. He was too cool for school.” [hat tip: videogum]

As much as I want to make fun of Hugh Jackman for being a fruity actor who can’t stop singing and dancing for five seconds, in all honesty, hanging out with him actually sounds fun as hell. “At first it felt a little weird, but then they brought us some schoolgirl outfits and Oy was like, ‘Suit up, blokes, it’s toime ta pahty!” I’d be lying if I told you I’ve never been to that kind of party.

And yes, that was an Abba reference in the photo caption. Because I guaran-goddamn-tee you they sang some Abba. Australians love Abba. Those people are the gayest racists on Earth.

I think we all needed a palate cleanser after that last depressing post about Kathryn Bigelow and Mark Boal’s handbasket to hell, and as usual, Us Weekly’s got us covered. This might be the most asinine news story since Ashley Greene’s homemade mojitos. AND it’s got pretty much all my favorite things: Bed-smashing abstinence vampire sex from Twilight, pillow-biting, and my all-time favorite actor, Boo Boo Stewart.

Kristen Stewart’s favorite moment in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 was the wedding scene between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. Her real-life beau, on the other hand, says he preferred the bed-breaking sex scene during their honeymoon .

YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN BE ALL LIKIN’ MARRIAGE, BUT MEN JUS BE WANTIN’ SEX? AND THEN WOMEN BE SHOPPING AND MEN JUS TRYNA WATCH DA GAME?? IT’S LIKE WE FROM DIFFERENT PLANETS AN’ SHEEIT!

“I wanted to have it as a line so much: ‘I bit through all the pillows. Every. Single. One.’ And then he’d start crying,” Robert Pattinson, 25, says in the new issue of Entertainment Weekly. “By the way, that’s what he should be ashamed of in the morning. All those beautiful pillows! Egyptian cotton! I ruined this bed!”

That sounds like a line the FilmDrunkards would write for Edward Cullen the sparkling abstinent vampire. I know some people don’t want to hear it, but Robert Pattinson actually seems pretty cool. By the way, I would bet my entire paycheck that no one at Us Weekly realized that that was a gay joke.

Still, 21-year-old Stewart insists that their characters’ honeymoon scene pales [PUN INTENDED, SQUIDERP! -Ed] in comparison to the long-awaited union between Bella and Edward.
“It’s a trip to watch the wedding scenes, especially,” she says. “It was so volatile and emotional — I was being such a crazy person.”

“These cartoonish marriage fantasies written by a woman with the mind of a sixth grader really took a toll on me emotionally. By the way, has anyone noticed I’m the most boring person alive?”

BUT WAIT! WE CAN’T END AN US WEEKLY STORY THERE! WHAT DOES BOO BOO STEWART HAVE TO SAY???

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Breaking Dawn is a batsh*t insane book, so it shouldn’t be surprising that fans of it were also the first ones to line up for San Diego Comic Con 2011 just to get a glimpse at the actors and see two boring scenes from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (AKA Snorkels the Vampire Fetus).  The good news is part 2 (in theaters November 2012) is probably the last movie in the theaters, at least until Summit decides to reboot it with even younger, paler leads.

As far as they know, Summit has no plans for further “Twilight” movies and/or spinoffs.“I think Stephenie [Meyer] is done with us,” Elizabeth Reaser, who plays Esme Cullen in the film saga said, referring to the author of the book series. [ThePlaylist]

Hallelujah.  So what other pearls of wisdom did the cast throw out to the 6,500 or so twihards in attendance at Hall H?

What was the cast’s reaction to the birth scene when they read it? Stewart: “I thought it was so cool; we really tried to go as hardcore as we could.” [Deadline]

Yeah, hardc0re!  *chugs Mountain Dew Code Red, crushes can on forehead, uses teeth to perform vampire baby c-section*

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