Not to get overly self-referential and toot my own horn, but I’m about to get overly self referential and toot my own horn. For that I apologize.  But in my “How to Write a Crappy Romantic Comedy” article from last month, Step Number Four was popular songs used in painfully literal ways:

Again, you’re not painting the Sistine Chapel here.  You’re basically rubbing a dog’s tummy.  You know what the dumb animal likes, just do it (no offense to puppies). And what it likes is songs it know, delivered in ways it understand.  Therefore, when the couple has sex the first time, you need “Feels Like the First Time” by Foreigner (actual example from Valentine’s Day); when she learns to stand up for herself, “Respect” by Aretha Franklin (notice that the link is in Italian and yet you can still tell exactly what’s going on?  Perfect); when he sets off alone on a journey, “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake.

You might be thinking, wait, if he’s taking a journey, why not a Journey song?  No.  You’re being creative again, stop that.  Besides, it’s not literal enough.  The lyrics in the song have to perfectly match what the people onscreen are doing. That way even the stupidest moron in the audience can say, “Oh, I totally get why they’re playing that song!”  If you want to use Journey, you’ll need “When the Lights Go Down in the City” while lights are actually going down in the city.  Go ahead, you can even have that one.

Aaaaanyway, this is all a long way of introducing the new trailer for Killers, starring Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl. Which features the song… “Psycho Killer“, by the Talking Heads.  Get it?  It’s literal because this movie makes me want to run run run, run run run awaaaaaay.  Yep, that’s a David Byrne.

Aw, you almost had us there, Katherine Heigl.  Not too long ago she was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly promising she was real sorry for being such a huge bitch (which is the next best thing to not being a huge bitch), and I almost believed her.  But probably she was just pre-emptively apologizing for her latest movie, Win a Date with Tard Hamilton, co-starring Ashton Kutcher, from Ugly Truth director Robert Luketic. Holy crap.  That is the most puke-inducing poster since the one with Dane Cook and Kate Hudson.  “Marriage: Give it your best shot.”  Except they’re not even shooting.  I guess a muzzle flash effect wasn’t in the budget.  But on the plus side, they can probably use this for the cover of the poster maker’s autobiography, Gunnin’ for a Sh*tty Pun.

Katherine Heigl seems to be treating her gun like the dripping sack of partially aborted prom-baby fetus this movie will surely be. Hey, didn’t we already have Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Duplicity, Knight & Day, Date Night… Was the plan to just remake those with a cheaper cast?  STOP MAKING THIS F*CKING MOVIE ALREADY.

[via BWE]

Director Robert Luketic directed Legally Blonde, which I actually found self-aware enough to be sort of charming, but then followed it up with Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!, Monster-in-Law, 21, and The Ugly Truth, a cultural contribution roughly on par with using mustard gas to commit genocide against the Kurds.  Now he’s back with Killers, starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, and if any of that sounds good to you, there’s an inside of a trunk I’d love for you to see.  Get it?  The movie’s called “Killers” and the song in the trailer is “Psycho Killer?”  It’s almost… too brilliant.

Robert Rodriguez dropped out as the director of the Barbarella remake a while back, but now it’s going forward again — with the guy who did The Ugly Truth.  Yay, I hope she’ll have vibrating underwear!  Also, this version is going to be DEADLY SERIOUS.  IRONY CANNOT SURVIVE IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE.

Joe Gazzam [if this were my name I would legally add an exclamation point. Gazzam! Gazzam! -Ed.] has been tapped to write the screenplay centering on the character that was immortalized by Jane Fonda in the 1968 original.

“Barbarella” centers on a female mercenary who roams the universe of a distant future, undertaking missions that require fearlessness, ingenuity and sensuality. The character debuted in 1962 and was known for her sexual escapades [sexy sexcapades, if you will]. There also was a musical produced in 2004.

The new take on the iconic character will not be campy, though it will keep the sexuality; there will be seductions, but the focus will be on the adventure. [THR]

No camp, you say?  I hear Michelle Rodriguez is available.  GRRR, HARDCORE SPACE LATINA!  With soundtrack by Papa Roach.