The New York Post reports that Sean Penn has signed on to direct The Comedian, a script co-written by Art Linson and Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross, with Robert Deniro attached to star.  Tweeted Ross, “My film degree might pay off yet.” The project would be Ross’s first.  If it does well, you can expect him to recycle it six times for different award shows. OH! I kid, I kid.  Seriously though, tip your waiters, Donald Trump’s hair, try the veal.

Sean Penn will come aboard to direct “The Comedian” starring Robert De Niro, according to sources. The film was written by Art Linson and Jeffrey Ross and follows De Niro as an aging, bitterly funny stand-up comic. It will go into production in New York next year. Penn’s last directorial effort was the 2007 Jon Krakauer adaptation, “Into the Wild.” Reports from Cannes had erroneously said Martin Scorsese would direct “The Comedian.” [NYPost]

Deniro famously played aspiring comedian Rupert Pupkin in Scorcese’s 1982 film, King of Comedy, though all remember about that is him saying “Rupert Pupkin” about 16 thousand times and the secretary who never wore a bra.  Anyway, this sounds like a perfect pairing, because if anyone knows comedy, it’s Sean Penn.  As long as you don’t do anything insane, like imply that Jude Law is in a lot of movies at the Oscars.  Barrel of laughs, that guy.  Never without a smile on his face.

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In a shocking turn of events, multiple Academy Award-nominated director David O. Russell will not be making a film based on a videogame.  Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune once had Mark Wahlberg attached and Robert DeNiro rumored to star, but they’re probably gone too. We’ve now reached the part of the sitcom towards the end, after the main character has learned a valuable lesson and decided he actually doesn’t want to be a professional pie-eating contest judge, and everything goes back to normal.

Russell had seemed excited about the Columbia Pictures project, speaking frequently and enthusiastically about it as he made the rounds to promote “The Fighter” during awards season. But creative differences between him and Sony developed and the sides parted amicably, insiders say.

The creative difference being “this is a videogame movie” and “I direct real movies”, I assume.

Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer penned the first draft of “Uncharted,” which Sony is still very high on, though the studio has already begun a search for another scribe. While there has never been talent formally attached to “Uncharted,” Russell had been looking to reteam with “The Fighter” star Mark Wahlberg; project was also rumored to co-star Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci. But with a new writer and director coming aboard, producers Avi Arad, Ari Arad, Charles Roven and Alex Gartner will likely start from scratch. [Variety]

DAMN YOU, O. RUSSELL! YOU’VE ARONOFSKY’D THIS ENTIRE PROJECT! That’s what we call it when an acclaimed director pretends for a few months that he wants to direct some studio exec’s brilliant plan for an Air Bud reboot or a Night at the Museum set at the Slushy factory, develops a relationship with the studio, and then splits to direct the real project he was planning to do all along.  Looking forward to finding out what that is in this case.  In the meantime, keep your phone handy, Brett Ratner.

Aw, he thinks the phone is in his pants but he’s already holding it up to his ear!  “So this Unsharted, is it like a wish-fulfillment story?”

I watched the West Coast feed of the Golden Globes last night and it seemed like something was getting bleeped every five minutes.  Most of it was inconsequential (Gervais saying “for God’s sake”, for example), but I did make a note to find out what Christian Bale said to Robert DeNiro that was bleeped while the telecast cut to commercial (yes, taking notes while watching the Golden Globes, that’s your glimpse into my sad, pathetic existence for the day).

Hollywood Reporter found out and boy, was it ever… well, sort of boring.

(As Bale was finishing up his speech, he blurted out De Niro’s name, swore and began talking again before the music swelled up and the show cut to commercial.)

“I just told him he’s the sh!t. You see an actor of that caliber and Robert Duvall… I don’t know if he’s here… those guys are the sh!t,” Bale joked to a room full of reporters backstage. “I just wanted to say I’m proud to be in the same room as him.”

In retrospect, I don’t know what I was expecting.  Something both vulgar and dangerous?  “Thanks very much to the HFPA, and before I go I just wanted to say that Helen Mirren’s AIDS p*ssy caused 9/11!”

Anyway, I’m sorry this turned out to be such a non-story, so here are some pictures of January Jones’ awesome dress.  That’s right, dress.  That’s exactly what I meant.

[via SocialiteLife]

Ben Stiller and Robert Deniro’s embarrassing paycheck movie, Little Fockers opens this weekend. I took one look at the trailer and saw that filmmakers thought the fact that “Focker” kind of sounds like “F*cker” was a strong enough joke that they re-used it five times in two minutes and figured it’d be okay for me to sit this one out.  Many of my film critic colleagues, however, aren’t content with simply assuming that hitting one’s penis with a framing hammer will be painful, and had to find out the boner way. I mean hard.  But thanks to those heroes, we can now play the Plot Recreated with Reviews game.

You know how this works: we recreate the plot using only expository quotes — NO ANALYSIS! — from the poor sad bastards who had to sit through it.

ACT I

Nothing much has changed in the household of Gaylord Focker except that everyone is a few years older. [StarTribune]

Jack, who now suffers from serious heart palpitations, is obsessed with finding a successor to his “throne.”  [WashingtonPost]

“Are you ready to be the GodFocker?” he demands. [StarTribune]

Jack decides Greg is having an affair with pharmaceutical rep Andi Garcia… [FilmSchoolRejects]

…[with whom] Greg is working closely peddle Sustengo, an erectile dysfunction pill… [WashingtonPost]

… and who we’re supposed to believe becomes instantly smitten with Stiller after helping him give an anal probe to an elderly patient. [JoBlo]

She shows up at male nurse Focker’s hospital, inexplicably signs him up to give speeches on her erectile-dysfunction drug, then strips down to her undies and jumps him. [NYPost]

Bernie Focker (Dustin Hoffman), struck with a bout of “manopause,” has fled to Spain to study flamenco dancing, while Dina Byrnes (Blythe Danner) is experimenting with kinky role play in hopes of spicing up her and Jack’s sex life. Greg has to impress the headmaster of a snooty private school (Laura Dern) where he wants his children to go. [WashingtonPost]

Owen Wilson hangs around again as the golden best friend to flirt with Greg’s wife again (accidentally, he got a giant back tattoo of her). [NYPost]

"POW!"

A while back I brought you the news that arthouse (and FilmDrunk) favorite David O. Russell (who famously called Lily Tomlin a kunt) would be writing and directing a movie based on the video game Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune.  David O. Russell doing a video game movie?  Jeez, what’s next, one of the Wachowski Brothers gets a sex change?

Today, weird gets EVEN WEIRDER, as Mark Wahlberg has confirmed that he’ll star, and that they’re trying to bring on Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci, though getting DeNiro might be a long shot, what with his recent re-dedication to quality cinema like Little Fockers. (*gets stabbed in the boner*)

“David is one of the best writer/directors I’ve ever worked with,” Wahlberg told MTV. “The idea that he has is just insane. So hopefully we’ll be making that movie this summer.”
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Walhberg also confirmed rumors that Russell is writing roles for acting heavies (and “Goodfellas” costars) Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci. “I’m obviously in whatever David wants to do, but the idea of it is so off the charts: De Niro being my father, Pesci being my uncle. It’s not going to be the watered-down version, that’s for sure.” [MTV]

Now that I think about it, Mark Wahlberg being in this, if anything, makes it less weird.  I was wrong.  It’s just that I’d forgotten he was in 2008′s Max Payne.  Can you guys ever forgive me?  For forgetting about 2008′s Max Payne?

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