My apologies if this is too “inside baseball,” but a movie earning $172,000 in its first weekend of release isn’t — SPOILER — good. If I haven’t already lost you with all that cinematic jargon, let’s talk about inAPPropriate Comedy, a quote-unquote “comedy film” directed by Vince Offer, a.k.a. the ShamWow Guy who got into an “altercation” with a Florida prostitute four years ago, that earned a whooping $625 per theater. By comparison’s sake, Movie 43 is f*cking Avatar. inAPPropriate stars the murderers’ row of talent that is Rob Schneider, Michelle Rodriguez, Adrien Brody (as “Flirty Harry”), and Lindsay Lohan.

Of course it does.

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Let’s just get this out there at the start: Offer Schlomi, aka Vince Offer, aka Vince from Shamwow, directed and co-wrote a film starring Michelle Rodriguez, Rob Schneider, Lindsay Lohan, and Adrien Brody, and that film has found a distributor. I’m passing out this article next time I hear someone complain about the economy.

The infamous omnibus film “InAPPropriate Comedy” — the brainchild of “ShamWow!” impresario Vince Offer — will get a theatrical release courtesy of Freestyle Releasing, which has picked up North American rights to the project. The company will also release the film on DVD and VOD through its Freestyle Digital Media.

I can’t find anything written about this project that gives some clue as to why it has “APP” capitalized in the middle of the title – is it a play on words? Is the movie about iPhone apps? Appetizers? – but that’s exactly the kind of out-of-the-box comedic thinking that got Rob Schneider where he is today.

Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez, Rob Schneider and Adrien Brody are the most high-profile stars that appear in the series of sketches that make up the film. Offer directed and co-wrote the script with Ari Shaffir and Ken Pringle. Robert B. Shapiro produced along with Ken Pringle for Square One Entertainment.
“‘InAPPropriate Comedy’ totally delivers to the ‘Jackass’ and ‘Borat’ audience,” said Freestyle co-president Susan Jackson. “We are also delighted to be working with director Vince Offer, whose experience and following from his remarkable direct marketing successes will prove invaluable to the promotion of the film.” [Indiewire]

I like to imagine Chris Pontius looked up from a freshly-chugged pint glass of horse semen and said, “Hey hey hey, you leave us out of this, we have a little something called integrity.”

Interestingly enough, this isn’t a departure for the Shamwow Guy, it’s actually a return to his roots.

Vince Offer wrote, directed, and starred in a 1999 movie called The Underground Comedy Movie, which was a sketch comedy film. To say that Vince’s movie was panned by critics would be quite an understatement. The New York Times claimed, “The Underground Comedy Movie stands as a monument to ineptitude and self-delusion.” Entertainment Weekly rated the movie an “F” and said of Vince Offer, “He’s got a second grader’s notion of satire.” The public doesn’t seem to like this movie any better than the critics: The average user rating on Netflix is 1.6 (out of 5) and caustic comments like “This movie was by far the worst movie I ever saw” appear with some regularity. [InfomercialHell]

Offer’s unsourced Wikipedia profile also says that the movie bankrupted him and spawned several lawsuits, which sort of makes it sound like the dangerously offensive film it tried to bill itself as in infomercials, until you read on and realize that most of the lawsuits in question were filed by Offer himself:

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It’s unfortunate that so much hocus pocus and magical gypsy thinking gets lumped in with legitimate progressivism, but if I had to explain why, it’s probably because so many outspoken “progressives” without college educations in LA love sitting around movie sets loudly not knowing what the f*ck they’re talking about. I mention it because those people are giving a bad name to people like Nobel Scientist Robert Fitzsimmons Elderberry Schneider, Esq, who recently compared vaccines to “The Nuremberg Laws.”

Speaking to

“My wife is 5 months pregnant, and I’m for parent’s rights, not government coercion to tell us what we can and can’t do with our kids. There is no other mandated procedure. It’s illegal. You can’t make people do procedures that they don’t want. The parents have to be the ones who make the decisions for what’s best for our kids. It can’t be the government saying that. It’s against the Nuremberg Laws.”

The Nuremberg Laws famously clarified that anyone with three or more Jewish grandparents was considered a Jew, and anyone with four German grandparents was considered a German, and everything in between was a crossbreed, and they outlawed inter-marriage and kept Jews from participating in civic life, so I think we can all agree that Rob Schneider has made some salient points here.

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I mean, they could have been twin sisters.

As soon as she’s done with her probation and community service in March, America’s freckled, chain-smoking sweetheart, Lindsay Lohan, is going to be free to resume doing that thing she used to do… sh*t, what was it called again? When she was in those things with the other people and they said stuff and someone yelled, “Cut!” Oh yeah, work!

First up, Lohan will host Saturday Night Live, because what better way for the show to remain consistent coming off one of the funniest episodes in years than by handing hosting duties over to a girl whose greatest contribution to comedy has been her driving record? After that, though, she’ll get serious once again as Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime movie, Liz & Dick.

How serious? TMZ is all like, “Mad serious, haterz!”

Lindsay is telling friends, she’s taking her new gig extremely seriously — “obsessing over getting the part right” for the film.

According to sources, Lindsay is doing nothing but watching old Liz Taylor movies to help her recreate the Hollywood icon’s posture, speech, and every other little detail.

We’re told Lindsay has also been watching old Liz interviews online and reading a bunch of Liz biographies.

I wish that for consistency Dina Lohan would actually change her name to Sources. “Sources Lohan, line one!” they’d yell as she calls in to let reporters know that it wasn’t Lindsay driving the getaway car from that jewelry store.

Later this year, Lohan is also starring alongside Rob Schneider and… Adrien Brody? Yikes. They’re starring in the film InAPPropriate Comedy, which is supposedly a sketch comedy collection along the lines of Underground Comedy. Either way, seriously Adrien? At least the razor commercials make it seem like you’re still a star.

"Which one of you guys tripled parked your Bentleys?"

Chris Rock was at Sundance last week to promote his new film, 2 Days in New York, directed by Julie Delpy, whose best movie was Killing Zoe and I will fight people to the death if they believe otherwise. While Rock did the normal PR legwork for his new film, he also dropped a little nugget of terror into our laps when MTV asked him about the status of the completely unnecessary Grown Ups 2.

/film has reported that Grown Ups 2 already has a set release date of July 12, 2013, but Rock raised a few eyebrows when he admitted that he doesn’t know if his upcoming project with Adam Sandler is actually a sequel. Yeah, because that makes all the difference as to whether it will suck or not.

I don’t know yet. I definitely have been called about my availability. But no one’s told me about a script. When Adam Sandler gives you a call and asks, ‘What are you doing in June? Make sure you don’t do nothing in June!’ So I think we’re getting ready to get the gang back together. I don’t know if it’s going to be ‘Grown Ups 2′ or another movie, though.

Who cares? It’s happening regardless. Happy Madison is Skynet. We’ve allowed Sandler and his friends to amass such wealth that they can do whatever they want. Grown Ups made more than $270 million worldwide. Even if a sequel makes half that, they still win and stock their garages with more Maseratis.

If they want a new movie, they get it. A TV show for Rob Schneider? Done. A Broadway musical starring Peter Dante and a chorus of stoned frat boys making hand farts? Book it. This is why we can’t have nice things, world.

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