"Which one of you guys tripled parked your Bentleys?"

Chris Rock was at Sundance last week to promote his new film, 2 Days in New York, directed by Julie Delpy, whose best movie was Killing Zoe and I will fight people to the death if they believe otherwise. While Rock did the normal PR legwork for his new film, he also dropped a little nugget of terror into our laps when MTV asked him about the status of the completely unnecessary Grown Ups 2.

/film has reported that Grown Ups 2 already has a set release date of July 12, 2013, but Rock raised a few eyebrows when he admitted that he doesn’t know if his upcoming project with Adam Sandler is actually a sequel. Yeah, because that makes all the difference as to whether it will suck or not.

I don’t know yet. I definitely have been called about my availability. But no one’s told me about a script. When Adam Sandler gives you a call and asks, ‘What are you doing in June? Make sure you don’t do nothing in June!’ So I think we’re getting ready to get the gang back together. I don’t know if it’s going to be ‘Grown Ups 2′ or another movie, though.

Who cares? It’s happening regardless. Happy Madison is Skynet. We’ve allowed Sandler and his friends to amass such wealth that they can do whatever they want. Grown Ups made more than $270 million worldwide. Even if a sequel makes half that, they still win and stock their garages with more Maseratis.

If they want a new movie, they get it. A TV show for Rob Schneider? Done. A Broadway musical starring Peter Dante and a chorus of stoned frat boys making hand farts? Book it. This is why we can’t have nice things, world.

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At some point today, people are going to spend actual American currency to see Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and the soul of cinema will die a little more. The film is the latest offering from Happy Madison, which is Adam Sandler’s production company, or as it is better known – his friends’ ATM machine. In fact, it’s quite fitting that Sandler’s next cash cow, starring Nick Swardson as the titular character, will be released on his 44th birthday. “Happy birthday,” his friends will yell as they put their new Bentley keys in their pockets.

I’m sure by now that you’ve seen the non-stop barrage of commercials for Bucky Larson, and I assume that because they have been scorched into my brain because of their needlessly obnoxious delivery. The movie itself looks like standard Happy Madison fare, but for some reason the commercials have Peter Dante – more on him later – yelling at us about why we should see the film like we are complete morons. I honestly can’t decide whether I’m more annoyed or fascinated by the commercials.

What is the point of Dante yelling terrible jokes at us? Is he portraying his character in the film? Are we supposed to know this? Better yet, are we supposed to know who he is? I decided to answer that last question myself, as well as the question “Who the hell are these guys and why should we accept them as comedy stars?”

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Just kidding, friends. I don’t know what Rob Schneider’s next project is because I haven’t received my copy of Burn In Hell Weekly yet. But if I could offer a piece of advice to Mr. Schneider for a moment, I think this commercial for the Central Florida Zoo has his name written all over it. Animals pooping and peeing? What else could anyone ask for?

Schneider could play lovable loser Lem Winkles, a janitor at a local zoo and a man with a crush on the seemingly unattainable elephant trainer played by Mila Kunis. And just when Lem thinks there’s no chance of getting a girl like that, he meets a talking piece of elephant dung, voiced by Kevin James. Together they win her over and help Lem discover his confidence and true love. I expect my check by the end of the week, Happy Madison.

Video after the jump…

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As the cast of the mind-numbingly successful “comedy” Grown Ups makes the rounds to promote today’s DVD and Blu-Ray release, Chris Rock admitted to Howard Stern that his good friend – and demonic source of neverending roles for Kevin James and Rob Schneider – Adam Sandler gave his buddies and co-stars of the movie some very special gifts to show his appreciation – brand new Maseratis. Sadly, no C4 was wired to any of the ignitions.

Grown Ups was made on a budget of $80 million, with the bulk presumably dedicated to catering for James and hair plugs for David Spade, but somehow this paint-by-numbers goat turd ended up making more than $160 million at the domestic box office. According to Rock, this specific film meant a great deal to Sandler, so he was more than willing to lay down $200,000 for each of the high end sports cars, and another $2 million for enough grease to squeeze James into his.

That’s right, E! Online, I’m bringing out all the fat jokes today.

“Now I think that I’m Adam Sandler’s bitch,” Rock joked to Stern.

He also said it’s the first time he’s gotten any kind of token of appreciation for film work, and he’d never have bought such a pricey car on his own.

“The movie’s like the biggest thing for [Sandler], he appreciates the help.”

I refuse to believe that Chris Rock wasn’t showered with gifts from each corner of the Earth following his harrowing performances in blockbusters like Bad Company and Head of State. But all kidding aside, I’m glad that this movie was successful for Sandler since it meant so much to him. If you haven’t been lucky enough to see Grown Ups, you can get an idea from these clips of just how much effort he put into this film.

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If you’re new here, there’s this game we like to play on FilmDrunk where we take a film we’re probably not going to see and try to recreate the plot using only quotes from other peoples’ reviews (expository only, no analysis!).  It tends to work better with the more silly-plot heavy films, but this week we don’t have that luxury, we have Adam Sandler farting while Kevin James’ pants fall down, a hurpity-durpity ding dong.  Will it be as fun as hearing how Miley Cyrus saved the sea turtles and learned to love the piano?  Probably not, but let’s try anyway.

We meet “the guys” as kids — 12 year olds winning a basketball championship. Their beloved “Coach Buzzer” lectures them afterward to make sure they “leave it all on the court” in life, too. Don’t let yourself have regrets later.  -Orlando Sentinel

The setup for the story: Their beloved old coach has died. To mourn him they return to the lakeside cabin where they celebrated their victory all those years ago. – Roger Ebert

….in “NEW ENGLAND,” as the establishing title card reads. -Chicago Tribune

Wouldn’t you know, the five kids on the team they beat are at the same lake for the same weekend. -Ebert

Lenny (Sandler) is now a big Hollywood agent who’s married to a fashion designer (Salma Hayek Pinault) with whom he has obnoxious, spoiled kids. -AP

(he insists that the nanny be referred to as an exchange student). -AZ Central

Eric (James) is also married with kids; his wife (Maria Bello) still breast-feeds their 4-year-old son. -AP

The sensitive-since-childhood Kurt (Rock) is a Rachel Ray fanatic stay-at-home dad utterly emasculated by his wife (Maya Rudolph) and her obese, “I got BUNIONS!” mom -Orlando Sentinel

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