Thanks to YahooMovies, we have the first clip from Pirates of the Caribbean 4, aka Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, aka Oh God This is Never Going to End is it, from new director Rob Marshall (of Chicago/Nine fame).  In the clip, Jack Sparrow effortlessly beats up the inept guards, runs across the table at a fancy dinner party, makes the fat man in the powdered wig frown, and swings away on a chandelier while grabbing a dinner roll and winking on the way out.  Hey, at least they didn’t go too campy with this one, right?  The only thing missing is a dog covering its eyes with its paws.  If they get through this entire movie without a bad guy falling face first in manure I will eat my tri-corner hat. CURSE YOU, JACK SPARROW, YOU LOVABLE INCORRIGIBLE ROGUE!

In case you were worried we wouldn’t get a fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film after the fourth one hits theaters in May, fret not, this bland, sh-tty franchise will be the last thing left on Earth along with cockroaches and Taco Bell taco meat.  The writers have already been hired.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer says he has a screenplay in the works for a fifth “Pirates” tale after May’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” comes out.

Gosh, I hope it involves a curse, or a ghost, or a talking monkey, or a fat suit, or a lobotomy.

Bruckheimer says “On Stranger Tides” and future “Pirates” flicks will be stand-alone stories continuing the adventures of Depp’s woozy buccaneer Capt. Jack Sparrow.

“Woozy Buccaneer” — great name for a bar.

Directed by Rob Marshall (“Chicago”), “On Stranger Tides” sends Jack on a quest for the fountain of youth. Bruckheimer and Marshall showed off footage Tuesday at CinemaCon, a Las Vegas convention of theater owners.
“At test screenings of “On Stranger Tides,” “the audience told us what they loved about it is that it was fresh, it was new, it was a whole new story,” Bruckheimer said in an interview alongside Marshall. “As long as the audience embraces this one, we’ll certainly try to make another one. It’s really up to Johnny. He loves the character.”

“We showed this film to a whole parade of increasingly listless yokels we found loitering outside convenience stores during business hours.  They loved it, and we really tried to incorporate all of their suggestions.  We weren’t sure what ‘gravyplane’ meant, exactly, but the freshness, that was an idea we really tried to run with.”

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USA Today just released the first picture of Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and boy is it exciting.  Here I’ve been dying to know what Penelope Cruz would look like in Party City’s least revealing Adult Halloween costume.

On a blustery gray morning in the Painted Hall of the Old Royal Naval College, Johnny Depp’s seafarer is being dragged forward by guards for an audience with King George II (Richard Griffiths), who wants him to seek the Fountain of Youth.
The king has already recruited Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) to join the mission, meaning Sparrow’s old nemesis has gone corporate, 1750s-century style.
The proposal goes badly, as expected.
Along the road to the Fountain of Youth, Sparrow will meet a friendly mermaid (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) and be tempted by a wicked former flame (Penelope Cruz) and her sadistic father, Blackbeard (Ian McShane) — but there will be no Will and Elizabeth (Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley). [USA Today]

No Orlando Bloom?  NO ORLANDO BLOOM??!?  This is a travesty.  Why, thy very name is synonymous with excitement and intrigue.
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This post will be a nice little round-up of the new pictures and posters going around the web today.  First up, John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe in The Raven (source).  I kid you not, this is the actual plot:

Based on an original script by Hannah Shakespeare and Ben Livingston, The Raven is set in the last five days of Poe’s life, when a serial killer is running around Baltimore using Poe’s stories as the backdrops for his killings. Poe and a young detective have a ticking clock to outsmart the killer before he strikes again.

Iiiiiiiiin YOUR EYES
at my chamber doooooor
YOUR EYES
forgiveness I imploooooore
YOUR EYES
You filled me with fantastic terrors never felt befooooore….
IIIN YOUR EYES…

Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I know how much he hates that reference.  Suffice to say, I hope Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Edgar Allan Poe: Homicide Detective team up at some point.

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The big news last night was that Deadwood‘s Ian McShane was negotiating to join the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean 4, to be directed by Rob Marshall and starring Johnny Depp.  McShane will play Blackbeard, apparently based on the real guy, Edward Teach.

People seem really excited about this, and I get it.  Johnny Depp is great, and Ian McShane is great, especially as a trade for Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, who won’t be coming back.  But excuse me for not breaking out the champagne and butt plugs just yet. This is still a third sequel directed by the guy who did Kate Hudson’s perfume commercial and the producer who came up with the idea for Kangaroo Jack.  Hiring Ian McShane to be in this is kind of like getting Christina Hendricks to tell me I have herpes.  Better, yes.  Good, no.

You wanna put Blackbeard in the movie?  If he’s going to put lit fuses in his beard and shoot people with cannons, cool.  You know what I don’t want to see him doing?  Driving an upside-down pirate ship to never-never fairy land to break an ancient curse. You wanna make a pirate movie?  Fine.  But based on the wasted hours Jerry Bruckheimer already owes me, I have to assume this is just going to be National Treasure with boats and eyeliner again.