Michael Bay’s production company that makes cheap remakes of old horror films, Platinum Dunes, has announced plans to remake Monster Squad.  Monster Squad came out in 1987, was one of Shane Black’s first writing credits, and was one of a handful of 80s movies that tried to make the word “nards” happen, though it never really caught on like, say, “douchebag” or “awesome.”

Rob Cohen, who produced the original, hopes to direct the remake. Cohen will produce with Platinum Dunes partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form, and they’re meeting with writers.
A group of kids who worship the classic monsters suddenly discover that Dracula is in town, and he’s got his pals Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, The Gill Man and The Mummy with him. The kids must stop their efforts to find an amulet that will give the creatures control of the world. [Deadline]

I know we all have fond memories of this movie because we saw it when we were still eating paste and putting worms down our pants, but the truth is, it was always probably kind of stupid.  The only difference now is that instead of the cute kind of stupid that we were used to, like a stripper who can’t read, we’ll get the Michael Bay kind of stupid, the stupid that’s honed to a fine point in focus groups and boardrooms and then jammed into your eyeball with a McDonald’s ad stuck on the end.  Then Michael Bay will yell, “YAHTZEE, MOTHERF*CKERS!” and chop another line of coke for his cheetah.

Here are some of the stories I would’ve covered had I not been waiting for Time Warner to turn my cable on for four hours.  But everything’s cool now, because it almost works.

Shane Acker’s 9, which actually looks kinda cool, has a new poster.  Based on my extensive research, that staff looks like something you’d shove up a dude’s ass.

Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley sold Cal of the Wild to Dreamworks.  I don’t know what it’s about, but it doesn’t matter – that title is pure gold! |Variety|

Rob Cohen has backed out of xXx: The Return of Xander Cage in order to direct Medieval, “an event-sized action film that Cohen calls ‘The Magnificent Seven’ in the Middle Ages,” and I’m sure will be good because it’s being directed by the guy who did xXx and Dragonheart.  Not to mention Stealth.  Remember Stealth?  (*fart sound*) |Variety|

Ben Stiller washed his hands after touching Mexicans and apologized by demanding a job in the Mexican government or something.  Seriously, try to figure out what the f-ck’s going on in this story. |Yahoo|

Of course.  The Star Trek coffin.  “He died the way he lived: cold and alone.” |Toplessrobot|

Weinsteins are having money troubles, and because they really need Inglourious Basterds to be a hit, they’re demanding Tarantino cut it by 40 minutes. I wished they’d had money troubles while he was editing Death Proof.  |TheWrap|

Dueling John DeLorean (the guy who invented the car) biopics are in the works, including a version from James Toback (Tyson), Brett Ratner, and Robert Evans.  $10 says Ratner collects a big paycheck for doing absolutely nothing yet again.  Reached for comment, Ratner said “Gnugh?” and coughed up a nacho. |Variety|

And finally, James Marsters, the guy who played Piccolo in Dragonball Evolution, claims there’s going to be a sequel, even though it only made $9 million in the U.S.  Because somehow, it made $45 million in Asia.  Figure that one out.  Who knows, maybe it doesn’t suck if you squint.  |somesite|

Variety reports today that Columbia pictures is in talks with Vin Diesel and director Rob Cohen to come back for a third xXx movie.  That’s nine X’s!  XXXXXXXXXTREEEME!

The movie is tentatively titled xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, and FilmDrunk was able to obtain an exclusive copy of a scene from the film.  I’ve included it below.

INT. SECRET GOVERNMENT CIA PLANNING BUNKER, MILES UNDERGROUND

The General High Admiral of the CIA has assembled his best agents in one room to come up with a plan.  They stand around the enormous conference table, all of them in black suits and ties; all except Xander Cage, who keeps his feet up and his shades on, and blows cigar smoke in everyone’s face.  He can’t help it – he’s been blowing smoke in society’s face since the day he was born.

GENERAL HIGH ADMIRAL OF THE CIA
This is it gentleman.  Al Qaeda has finally done it.  They’ve taken over the local high school and turned it into a bombmaking facility.  Not only have they succeeded in perverting the youth, they are on the verge of completing a thermonuclear warhead.  I’ve brought you all here to find out one thing: Just what the hell do we do now?

VIN DIESEL AS XANDER CAGE
(blows smoke) Well, general, I think it’s pretty simple.  I think we need to go in there and give these kids a little lesson in non-conformity.

OTHER AGENT
(flying off the handle) You’re insane, Cage! There’s just no way!  Not only is the facility impenetrable, it’s been booby trapped from all sides!  And don’t count on any help from the kids, they’ve been completely brainwashed!  You’re a loose cannon, Cage!  This isn’t a time for one of your wildman schemes!

XANDER CAGE
(still calm) You know what I think, Dick? I think you spent too much time in the classroom and not enough time in the streets.  Oh, and another thing?  “Impenetrable” was what they said about your sister.  (Smells finger)

Agent lunges at Cage, and has to be restrained by the other agents.  The General High Admiral holds up his hands to call for calm.

GENERAL HIGH ADMIRAL
Gentleman, I’m afraid we’re out of options.  This time, (he furrows his brow, realizing the gravity of what he’s about to say).. we do it Cage’s way.

Read the rest of this entry »