Movie mash-ups, especially the kind that involve ” ___ recut as ____!” are a dime a dozen on the internet, and usually not worth posting, but “Dalton the Dickhead” gets my stamp of approval because A. it’s about Roadhouse, the greatest movie ever made, and B. it reimagines the film as a story about good-time party boy Brad Wesley, who was just trying to wear cravats and cruise for pussy in his convertible until his A-hole son Dalton came and screwed everything up by being an aggro jerk. It’s probably the best Roadhouse fan fiction since Dadboner’s pitch for Roadhouse 2: Pain Still Don’t Hurt, starring Guy Fieri.

It’s also a story near and dear to my heart, as imagining the screw-up relatives of famous characters or public figures is one my favorite things. If you’d listened to Frotcast 111, you’d know that Gandalf has a brother named Dale who sucks at magic and sells knives door to door. Dale Gandalf: Mediocre Knife Salesman, Does Card Tricks at Parties.

[Thanks to ReelBastards for sending this over]

Thankfully, it appears my earlier report about Patrick Swayze may have been premature.  Now that a somewhat credible source has weighed in, things might not be as grim as they once seemed.

"Patrick has a very limited amount of disease [pancreatic cancer] and he appears to be responding well to treatment thus far," Dr. George Fisher says in a statement. "All of the reports stating the time frame of his prognosis and his physical side effects are absolutely untrue. We are considerably more optimistic."

The actor’s rep adds: "Patrick is continuing his normal schedule during this time, which includes working on upcoming projects. The outpouring of support and concern he has already received from the public is deeply appreciated by Patrick and his family."

That’s strange, it’s almost as if The National Enquirer had embellished, or even exaggerated their coverage of this in order to garner cheap publicity.  But that almost seems… irresponsible, or even… sleazy.  No, I don’t believe it.  I’m sure it was all an innocent mixup of some sort.  Perhaps their writers passed up journalism school in favor of, say, Barber College.

In any case, let’s hope he gets over this quick – there are still so many ridiculous pictures of him that it would be a real shame not to be able to make fun of him again soon.  For God’s sake, look at this one!

It took every ounce of my better judgment not to use one of these pictures for this story, and I’m actually glad I didn’t, because it’s pretty much a mega huge bummer:

Patrick Swayze is dying from cancer and has just five weeks to live, according to The National Enquirer.  The magazine says the star of Dirty Dancing and Ghost [Editor's Note: and Roadhouse, you motherfuckers] was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January and that it has spread to other organs. [Source]

I’m not good with saying nice things about people, nor am I sure about the etiquette of doing a tribute to a guy who’s still alive. But I do know that in the present context, the following video nearly moved me to tears:

I defy anyone to watch that without at least tearing up a little. Please let this story be just The National Enquirer making shit up again. I’m not ready to lose Dalton.