A little man in a boat just above a gaping pussy. Anatomical symbolism at its most literal.

Today’s new DVDs are a fantastic assortment of films that run the gamut from the Oscar-winning Life Of Pi all the way to The Taint. In between we’ve got films starring Anthony Hopkins, Sean Penn, Aaron Paul, and Ray Liotta.  We’ve got alcoholics and Easter bunnies. We’ve got drug mules and tooth fairies.  We’ve got legitimate rock stars and fake gurus.  We’ve even got some WWII Jewish refugees, both real and fictitious. All that and even some giant spiders!

The DVDs:
Life Of Pi
Hitchcock
This Must Be The Place
Smashed
Rise Of The Guardians
Sound City
The Devil’s In The Details
In Their Skin
The First Time
Kumaré
Pressed
The Flat
Amazing Racer
Storage 24
Spiders
The Taint

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

One of this week’s films has a 100% rating at Rotten Tomatoes, but you’ll have to continue reading to find out which one it is.  Another one of these films is a biopic about a legendary director. You may think you know which one it is, but you’ll have to continue reading to be sure. If you’d like to bypass the DVDs this week, just use that streaming link above, but if you do you’ll be missing out on my detailed examination of The Taint. Read the rest of this entry »

I will never get tired of this gif.

Damn near every new movie outkicked their coverage this weekend, even the

Rise of the Guardians opened to a poor $24.03 million over the three-day weekend, which added up to a $32.6 million five-day start. That’s way less than The Muppets ($41.5 million) last year or Tangled ($68.7 million) two years ago. More importantly, though, the movie’s five-day start is lower than any three-day opening for a DreamWorks Animation movie since 2006′s Flushed Away.

The movie’s audience was 57 percent female and 53 percent under the age of 25. They largely rejected 3D showings, as that format only accounted for 35 percent of the movie’s box office. [BoxOfficeMojo]

By comparison, 3D accounted 68 percent of Life of Pi‘s box office. It just goes to show, Tiger Jesus beats Santa Claus every time.

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It’s time for another installment of This Week in Posters, and this week C-Tates and friends are here to kick this party off right! (*thrusts hips, throws shirt at audience, trips over coffee table*) The official theater rules for my press screening say shirts are required, but I think I saw a lot laaawbreakers in the mirror. (*rubs belly*)

Prediction: Nine months from next week, there will be a spike in the birth rate. This will be known as the “Magic Mike Spike.”

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It seems like every time something needs a different title it stays the same, and every time it doesn’t need to be changed they change it. Dreamworks’ new Rise of the Guardians is based on the book series The Guardians of Childhood by William Joyce, not to be confused with the Legend of the Guardians, the Owls of Ga’Hoole (which was an even worse title, and the movie bombed because of it). It’s sort of the reverse of calling A Princess of Mars “John Carter,” or The Raid “The Raid: Redemption.”

[Film synopsis] When an evil spirit hatches a plot to take over the world, the immortal Guardians join forces to protect the hopes, beliefs, and imagination of children all over the world.

[Book synopsis] Before SANTA was SANTA, he was North, Nicholas St. North—a daredevil swordsman whose prowess with double scimitars was legendary. Like any swashbuckling young warrior, North seeks treasure and adventure, leading him to the fiercely guarded village of Santoff Claussen, said to be home to the greatest treasure in all the East, and to an even greater wizard, Ombric Shalazar. But when North arrives, legends of riches have given way to terrors of epic proportions! North must decide whether to seek his fortune…or save the village.

So… it’s Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter for kids, basically? Also, isn’t this basically the Imaginationland trilogy from South Park? As a grown man I wish I didn’t have to concern myself with these movies aimed at 8-year-olds, it just sucks having to sit through them on dates.