The Golden Globes happened last night, and thank God there was a dog in a bow tie there, or else it would’ve been a total loss. To recap briefly, Ricky Gervais was the main reason to watch, and save for a few moderately funny Kardashian jokes, he was thoroughly unmemorable (you can watch his monologue below. It was… okay). The highlight of the night was probably seeing George Clooney talk about Michael Fassbender’s huge penis, because it means George Clooney is as obsessed with the Fasspenis as I am. The other highlight was Seth Rogen taking the stage with Kate Beckinsale and saying, “I’m Seth Rogen, and I’m trying to disguise my enormous erection.”

Basically, it was a great night for boners. The lowlight probably went to Madonna, who won best song (???) and took the stage pretending to be Abe Simpson on Vh-1 Storytellers (“The story of how I wrote this song isn’t so much interesting as it is long…”). Though Michelle Pfeiffer introducing War Horse as an incredible film “about a miraculous horse” was also quite bad. Though it did encapsulate perfectly why I could never like that movie. I don’t trust anyone who could write or say the phrase “miraculous horse” without feeling like an asshole. War Horse and the Iron Lady aren’t films that should win awards, they’re satire that prove how terrible awards shows are.

Full list of winners plus my live-tweet of the event on the next page.

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The Golden Globes are a fake awards show basically invented by a small circle of foreign journalists so that they could go to parties and hang out with Johnny Depp (remember my thesis: foreigners love Johnny Depp). The only reason to ever think about or consider watching them is to see what Ricky Gervais will say, so of course they’re having him back to host again this year. The part where the HFPA was supposedly mad at him for making fun of them was all hype. They’ll let him say whatever he wants because he gives them exactly what they need — to seem relevant.

The group, composed of 83 entertainment journalists from around the world, voted Wednesday to bring back the performer for a third consecutive year, though a small but vocal minority dissented. Sixteen out of the 62 members who voted were opposed to Gervais’ return, according to a person who was present at the meeting but asked not to be identified because of the confidential nature of the proceedings. In a statement on the Golden Globes website, the HFPA said the group was moved to bring back Gervais after meeting with NBC official Doug Vaughan.
A blog post on the HFPA site acknowledged that “while many welcome Gervais’ return, not everyone is happy with the decision because last year his blunt one-liners targeting big-name celebrities caused anger and resentment in some quarters.” The upcoming ceremony is set for Jan. 15 and will air on NBC.
Gervais also took a shot at the HFPA leadership. “I had to help the HFPA president off the toilet and pop his teeth back in,” he said of the then-HFPA President Philip Berk. The HFPA sent strong signals immediately after the show that it would not invite Gervais back. Berk said afterward that Gervais “definitely crossed the line” and that “some of the things were totally unacceptable.”
However, the members who voted for Gervais said that the actor’s quips, and the buzz that came with them, in fact informed their vote. [LATimes]

And for our patrons who still prefer to order off the old menu, Billy Crystal will be hosting the Oscars.

Anne Hathaway and James Franco host the Oscars this Sunday (I’ll have your official drinking game up tomorrow), and Franco recently posted a video of them dancing to Grease on his Twitter (video below).  It’s widely believed to be a rehearsal for an Oscars bit, but of course it could just be James Franco trying to dicknose us again.  Meanwhile, Ricky Gervais, who became controversial following a hosting stint at the Golden Globes in which he made a few jokes and didn’t huff farts nearly as long and as deeply as was expected of him, has written an Oscars script for Anne and James and posted it on his website.  Unsolicited? Uh oh, Bruce Vilanch is gonna have to choke a bitch.

JF
You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this f**king ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

AH
And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JF
It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

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UPDATE: According to TheWrap, the HFPA say they did not invite him back. “There is no truth to this rumor. We have not asked him to come back,” president Phil Berk said in a statement. “Nice try, Ricky.” So, it looks like we can go back to not caring about the Golden Globes again. Phew.

Two weeks ago, Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes, having the audacity not to kiss everyone’s ass and even telling jokes about such taboo subjects as Charlie Sheen partying a lot and John Travolta being gay.  This led to a flood of condemnation from some of the mainstream media’s most shriviest shrivs, and definitive “scoops” like this one, from Popeater’s Rob Shuter:

“Ricky will not be invited back to host the show next year, for sure,” a member of the HFPA tells me, adding that Gervais’ relentlessly mean shtick could have even larger consequences. “For sure any movie he makes he can forget about getting nominated. He humiliated the organization last night and went too far with several celebrities whose representatives have already called to complain.” [Popeater via WarmingGlow]

Gee, Rob, it seems your sources have a pretty loose definition of “for sure.” (Though I enjoy how transparent they are about the corrupt nominations process).

Brit Ricky Gervais says he has been asked to present the Golden Globe Awards for the third year in a row, but is not sure he could do a better job than this year’s controversial performance, it was widely reported Tuesday.

Writing in UK entertainment magazine Heat this week, Gervais said: “The ratings went up again, and the organizers asked me to consider a third year.”

“[But] I don’t think I should. I don’t know what I could do better. I certainly couldn’t get more press for them, that’s for sure,” he added. [NYPost]

I checked in over at Popeater to see if they’d printed a retraction, but Rob seemed to be busy with a hard-hitting exposé on the color of Kate Middleton’s wedding dress.  (This just in!  It might not be white!  Or it might!  Really, it’s too early to tell!  Back to you in the studio, Jim!)

Of course they asked him back.  Offending a couple people is a small price to pay for making the Golden Globes seem relevant.
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As I pointed out in my first Golden Globes wrap-up, mainstream journalists are some of the most self-serious d-bags in the world, and they have no idea how to write about comedy, so of course they saw only controversy.  People are used to seeing movie stars get their butts kissed at awards shows, so Ricky Gervais cleverly took the roast approach instead (I read in Popular Science that surprise is an important element of humor).  Most of the audience understood that, and it didn’t seem like that big a deal.

(Slight Digression: One notable exception here was Judd Apatow, who was mildly critical of Gervais, which for a comedy writer/lover is like seeing your parents fight.)

There was a lot of blah blah blah about who was offended and whether Gervais would be invited back (who hosts an awards show three years in a row anyway?), but now Gervais himself has responded, the way all true gangstas respond, on his blog (via WarmingGlow):

Obviously the rumour that the organizers stopped me going out on stage for an hour is rubbish. I did every link I was scheduled to do. The reason why the gaps were uneven is because when I got the rundown I was allowed to choose who I presented to. I obviously chose the spots that I had the best gags for. They couldn’t move around the order but I could move around however I wanted.

All the same conspiracy theories as last year too… “So and so was offended”… “hasn’t been invited back yet”… exactly the same as last time. “Paul McCartney was furious”…no he wasn’t. And nor was Tim Allen and Tom Hanks. I was drinking with them after.

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