I first told you about Richelle Olson’s lawsuit against Sacha Cohen and the producers of Bruno back in June 2009. It sounded like bullsh*t even then, so it’s not surprising that a lower court and then an appeals court both ruled as much. Now an appeals court has affirmed Universal’s motion make Olson pay their attorneys’ fees, which, as much as it’s a faceless corporation triumphing over an old lady in a wheelchair, actually seems fair.

But by far my favorite part of the story is the details it reveals about the original case, which are hilarious. Or at least, as hilarious as an incident that ends with an old lady getting paralyzed could ever be.

Cohen, NBC Universal, and other production companies on Bruno were sued in 2009 by Richelle Olson and her husband after allegedly being subjected to a confrontation that resulted in injuries including a “brain bleed.”

The incident in question happened on May 24, 2007 at Olson’s bingo hall. Cohen, acting as “Bruno,” was invited up to the stage to call out the numbers. The film crew was present, and all of the elderly people in attendance had signed a “Standard Consent Agreement” to be filmed for a “documentary-style film.”

Universal submitted 28 minutes of unedited footage showing what happened. According to a footnote in the latest appeals court decision:

“After Cohen called out the Bingo number 36, he states that “36″ was the age of his former male partner. Later, when he calls out the number 3, he says that his former partner’s birthday was “May 3.” When he later calls out the number 59, he remarks that 59 was the number of his hotel room he stayed in when he met his former partner, and a few minutes later when he announces number 42, Cohen offers that “42 inches was his partner’s chest size. Finally, after Cohen announces the number 7, he comments that he met his partner on “July 7.” Some members of the audience can be heard laughing after each comment.”

Bear with me, it’s about to get good. See if you can find my favorite line in this next blockquote:

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Brüno’s lawyers have issued a response to the wildly-implausible-sounding lawsuit filed by the “waah, bruno paralyzed me” lady.  And the nice thing about Sacha Cohen’s lawyers is that they do not F around.

Your clients’ claims are demonstrably and ludicrously false. The actual footage demonstrates that Mr. Baron Cohen never touched Ms. Olson, much less assaulted her.  To the contrary, Ms. Olson assaulted Mr. Baron Cohen, grabbing his arms from behind and attempting to pull him out of a chair.  The footage shows that Ms. Olson never ‘fell to the ground,’ nor was she injured in any way.

Putting aside the impossibility of a camera crew physically attacking Ms. Olson while at the same time filming her, the actual footage reveals that the number of crew members and other persons who attacked your client is zero.  The footage reveals that your client’s allegations are a complete fabrication.

If you do not file a voluntary dismissal of the complaint with prejudice, and if you do not do so by this Monday, June 8, our clients will avail themselves of every legal remedy against you and your clients. [original letter, via E!]

I don’t usually like to side with highly-paid studio lawyers, but it’s nice to see people not just cave and pay a settlement to some butthole filing a frivolous lawsuit.  I don’t have a lawyer but I find it still helps to refer to myself in the third person as ‘my client.’   My client thinks you’re being really mean.  My client wishes you would reconsider.  My client really didn’t mean any harm, he just thought you smelled nice is all.  Now look what you’ve done, you’ve made my client cry.

A woman is suing Sacha Baron Cohen, claiming he started a “brawl” at a bingo hall in 2007 that left her paralyzed below the puffy old-lady fro.  (Okay, I made that last part up).

Richelle Olson has sued Cohen, NBC Universal and others claiming they told her Brüno was a celeb and would appear and call numbers at the charity bingo game she ran for the elderly in Palmdale, CA. Olson was none too happy when she saw Brüno, whom she describes as an “extreme, outrageous, offensive caricature of a gay man dressed in sexually revealing clothing with an Austrian accent…”

Olson alleges Bruno used “vulgar and offensive language” and when she tried taking the mic from him, a “physical struggle ensued” and Cohen “offensively touched, pushed and battered” her, causing her to fall to the ground.

She then claims three cameramen and others rushed the stage … “where defendants attacked [her] for a period of one to five minutes to intentionally create a dramatic emotional response … while [they] recorded her humiliation and embarrassment.”

Aaaaand here’s where I call B.S.  The cameramen filmed themselves attacking a downed old lady?  Doubtful.

After the alleged assault was over, the suit says Olson went into another room where she was “sobbing uncontrollably” … then was rendered unconscious … “falling forward onto the thinly covered concrete slab, passing out and causing her to hit her head.”

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