Oh, Hollywood.  So dumb, yet so predictable, like a retarded kid that craps in your driveway at the same time every morning.  That’s right, the ZOMBIELAND writers have been hired to adapt the comic COWBOY NINJA VIKING (capitalized to reflect the only words the studio exec heard during the pitch meeting).

The Zombieland writing duo of Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese have been brought onboard to adapt the comic book series Cowboy Ninja Viking, reports Variety. The official solicitation for the first issue is as follows:

COWBOY NINJA VIKING is the creation of Doctor Sebastian Ghislain, a psychotherapist who recruits Multiple Personality Disorder patients to produce a unit of counter-intelligence agents called Triplets. But what happens when those guys become out of control assassins? That’s when the deadliest Triplet of them all, COWBOY NINJA VIKING, is called in to take down his own brethren. [ComingSoon]

Finally we’ve discovered the secret to getting your property optioned as a Hollywood film.  Just remove all the verbs and definite articles and replace them with TOTALLY AWESOME INTERNET STUFF!  Try it yourself!  Pirate Beautiful Mind! Dances Betty White Wolves!  Ninja Wizard Steampunk Oz! Firefly Silence Chuck Norris Viking Lambs!  I think we’re onto something!

Probably the biggest news today in the world of movies is that Robert Rodriguez and Fox are reportedly in negotiations for Rodriguez to direct Deadpool.  Which leads me to my next point, today is a really sucky news day.  Not that Robert Rodriguez directing Deadpool wouldn’t be news, it’s just that if that story were sex, today’s news would be rubbing your boner on a lady’s jacket on the subway.

Reports last month that Rodriguez had been offered the director’s chair on “Deadpool” met with a swirl of speculation and/or denials from the filmmaker’s camp as well as studio Fox. (The most anyone would agree to is that Rodriguez had been sent Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick**’s script.) [**The Zombieland guys]
But we’re hearing that after a few weeks of dancing, Rodriguez and studio Fox are negotiating. There’s no deal yet, and the sides need to agree on a number of key points, but it’s moved beyond the casual discussion stage and into the more substantive realm of deal points.
Rodriguez is making “Spy Kids 4,” which itself comes after he finished the exploitation action picture “Machete,” but would be looking for a big movie and one that can be marketed into a hit. [LATimes]

Robert Rodriguez seems like a pretty righteous Mexican and all, but this is still Fox we’re talking here.  I’ll give them a little credit for Predators (which Rodriguez produced), which was pretty good, if not exactly memorable.  But it’s going to be hard to make us forget what they did to Wolverine (whose story Deadpool will ignore, by the way):

It’s hard to imagine how crappy at your job you’d have to be to take the Wolverine of the comics and make that poster out of him.  It’s not quite as bad as this*, but it’s pretty damn close.   *not technically NSFW, but definitely disturbing.

UPDATE: A lawyer called our 1-900-FILMDRUNK sex hotline to confirm that the script is a fake, just like I had predicted. For next week’s prophecy I’ll be revealing the Powerball numbers.

This morning I got an email from I guy with a story about how he has a friend who works in a studio.  The story was sort of involved, but long story short, the friend saw the script for G.I. Joe 2 (written by Zombieland’s Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese) entitled “Twin Parallax” lying around, so he stole it, and left a copy in its place. The emailer included a PDF of the script in question.  As for the guy’s motives, he says:

I’d like the next Joe movie to be MUCH better than the last, and maybe if this story gets out now, it will force them to change some of the weaker elements for the better.  My friend will probably kill me for this, but I’m tired of Hollywood making inferior products based on beloved franchises who aren’t given the proper respect.  Obviously this isn’t the final draft, the producers have said as much in recent days, but I’m guessing this is the draft he was reading from in that interview:

Something about the story doesn’t quite add up for me.  Am I to believe this guy scanned all 126 pages of the rough draft of a script and sent it to a bunch of movie blogs just so that the studio would “respect” G.I. Joe 2?   The pages also seem very uniform for scans of a hard copy.  I’d include it for you here, but ever since Apple showed up at the Gizmodo guy’s house and stole his dog and raped his girlfriend, I’m a little cautious about disseminating material that might have been stolen. Also, the guy says his friend stole the original and left a copy in its place.  Wouldn’t you steal the original, make a copy, and leave the original back where you found it?  And why go to the trouble of copying it THEN scanning it?

Anyway, I guess I’ll read the thing and tell you about it.  But 126 pages seems like a lot of reading to do just to find out what GI Joe 2 is about.  Especially when I could be reading, you know, books.  Me reading this script would be kind of like me reading the instructional manual to a Segway.  I don’t own a Segway.  I’m probably not going to buy a Segway.  I think Segways make you look a retard from the future, so I’m not sure why I’d care.  I’d much rather read Burnsy’s fictionalized Channing Tatum inner monologue than actual Channing Tatum dialogue, ya heard?  (*mumble, mumble*).  Anyway, I’ll keep you updated as this story develops, but for the record, my take on this is that it seems like a guy’s ploy to get people to read his spec script.  If you want to break into Hollywood, just make a short film about aliens, dude.

Paramount is making G.I. Joe 2, and it looks like the Zombieland writers have picked up another scripting gig.  They’re apparently writing every movie this year, like the screenwriting equivalent of Sam Worthington. A couple days ago, Collider confirmed that Paramount would be making the sequel, today an IESB source says Zombieland writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick have been hired.  Stephen Sommers hasn’t yet signed on to return as director.

I never saw G.I. Joe, and though plenty of people claim it wasn’t as bad as it looked, this clip was more than enough reason for me to avoid it.   The writing doesn’t seem so hard though.  Let’s take a crack:

CHANNING TATUM: (*unintelligible mumbling*) Ermf.  Hey, girl.

MARLON WAYANS steps on a rake. *Splat sound effect*

CHANNING TATUM: Ho snap!

CHANNING TATUM and RACHEL NICHOLS laugh as they watch MARLON WAYANS stumble around trying to uncross his eyes.

RACHEL NICHOLS:  Enough fooling around, boys.  I need to go for a jog.  I’m a scientist.  *pours water in her hair, takes off her shirt*

[10-minute montage of RACHEL NICHOLS' boobs bouncing in a sports bra, set to the latest Linkin Park single]

MARLON WAYANS: (slobbering like a dog) Yo, girl, when you gonna let me get witchoo?

RACHEL NICHOLS: I don’t believe in love. I’m a scientist. *flips her hair, sucks on lollipop*

MARLON WAYANS: Yo, that is wack!  *gets hit in the crotch by an eagle*

CHANNING TATUM: (*unintelligible mumbling*) Ermf.  Hey, girl.

Read the rest of this entry »

Variety recently confirmed an earlier CHUD story that Zombieland writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick will write the script for Fox’s Deadpool movie, with Ryan Reynolds reprising his role from Wolverine.

Reynolds has been bulking up to play the DC Comics’ hero “Green Lantern,” which starts lensing next month. This means he would already be in superhero shape if the script for “Deadpool” is ready by summer.
The tone of “Deadpool,” which features an antihero as opposed to the more traditional heroic comic book protagonist, is very similar in tone to “Zombieland.” [Variety]

This sounds okay.  I liked pretty much everything about Zombieland except the idea to make it in the first place.  It’s just too bad Fox is overseeing this.  No matter what they write, Fox’ll probably force them to squeeze Kevin James or someone in there as the wacky sidekick — the subplot is that his pants keep falling down!  Which really complicates the mission to save Sandra Bullock’s Blackberry from an eagle. *Scratches record, kicks Robin Williams in the nuts*