Nothing opened wide this weekend besides Couples Retreat and your mom’s legs, so it wasn’t a huge surprise that Couples Retreat was number one at the box office, earning $35 million.  It played on a measly 3,800 screens, so kudos to that plucky underdog.  It still has a way to go to earn back its $70 million budget.  People have been wondering how a basic rom-com could’ve cost that much, but the answer is simple when you imagine Vince Vaughn, Faizon Love, and Jon Favreau at the same buffet.

Distributor Universal Pictures’ exit polling indicated that the “humor” and “Vince Vaughn” were the top reasons people saw Couples Retreat. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Reasons three and four were “(unintelligible Chewbacca groans)” and “I thought this was the Dairy Queen”, respectively.  The other big story was Paranormal Activity grossing $44,000+ per location, meaning it nearly tripled its budget on each screen it played.  It also broke Platoon‘s record for highest-grossing film playing on less than 200 screens, all while getting pretty good reviews.  Analysts have been quick to hail its marketing campaign as a runaway success.  But don’t think for a second that this means I’m giving Steven Spielberg a pass for his “my DVD was haunted” story.  Only when it’s Steven Spielberg in Hollywood could a grown man get away with saying he owned a haunted DVD without rightly getting fired, shunned, pantsed, and wedgied.

[via CHUD, BoxOfficeMojo, Indiewire]

The Oscar vote is a little more complicated this year now with 10 choices for Best Picture instead of five, so I can understand how an academy member might be overwhelmed.  But that’s no excuse for doing what one did, which was apparently to ask Pete effing Hammond for advice.  Hammond writes:

The other day I got a call from an academy member who had just received a list of October entries in the official academy member weekend screening series. She asked if I thought particular titles she had never even heard of were worth checking out. Those included “We Live in Public,” a documentary about the Internet; “Disgrace,” a barely released post-apartheid drama; “Good Hair,” a Chris Rock riff on African American hairstyles; “Bronson,” a violent prison drama about a guy whose altar-ego is the actor Charles Bronson; “Gentlemen Broncos,” a teen comedy; “Astro Boy,” an animated film based on an old TV cartoon series; the multi-segmented ”New York I Love You” and a horror film, “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant.”  None of these movies are likely to be found on any pundits list of potential Oscar contenders. [LaTimes via MovieLine]

No arguments there, at least if he’s only talking about Best Picture.  But keep in mind, Pete Hammond is eFilmcritic’s 2008 Whore of the Year, one of those sham critics whose quotes you see in horrible movie trailers and think, “Who the hell would’ve had the balls to admit liking that out loud, let alone in print?”  Pete Hammond is that guy.

Just yesterday I was watching TV and an ad for The Proposal DVD came on with a huge quote that said “The year’s best comedy!” with the critic in tiny print.  I had to rewind to see who it was — Pete Hammond, of course.  Here are some of his other gems dingleberries:

The Answer Man – A sparkling, wickedly funny comedy.
My One and Only – An exceptionally good comedy.
Confessions of a Shopaholic – Hilarious! Confessions is a nonstop laughing spree.
Monsters vs. Aliens – The year’s funniest comedy.
Up – The funniest movie of the summer.
The Proposal – Riotously funny! The Proposal is without question the year’s best comedy.

There you have it.  Up is the funniest movie of the summer, but not of the year, because that was Monsters vs. Aliens, which although funnier, is still not the best comedy.  Because any idiot knows that was The Proposal.  Jesus, what does a guy have to do to lose credibility these days?

Seems fitting that we start with Roman Polanski comments, since I rode that news pony like it was your mom last week.  From A BUNCH OF IDIOTS SIGN ROMAN POLANSKI petition:

Stone Soup says: 
To honor Polanski’s legendary artistry, the group has announced that the next three film festivals will feature bottomless popcorn boxes.

From ROMAN POLANSKI ARRESTED IN SWITZERLAND (which Sienna Miller recently derided as “Shitzerland”):

Evil Taco says: Leave it to the swiss to find a way to make him stop . . .
*puts on sunglasses*
Roman.
YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Same post:

Donkey Hodey says:
[Swiss prisoner walks into showers to see his cellmate raping Roman Polanski]
Prisoner 1: Holy sh’t, man. You’re ass-raping Roman Polanski!
Prisoner 2: Yeah, I know, it’s good too.
Prisoner 1: I get that, but why are you also giving him drugs and taking pictures?
Prisoner 2: When in Roman . . .

Oh Donk, if you were a national landmark, you’d be Mount Cleverest.

Burnsy says: “Fine, France, then how about you take O.J. Simpson, too?”
France: “Whoa, easy there, d’ck.”

From serious Roman Polanski news, we move into serious Terror at Blood Fart Lake news:

Vodka says: The Wal-Mart in Blood Fart Lake wins the underwear sales record every year.

And another thing, Blood Fart Lake was a terrible ballet.  From Blood Fart Lake we move to 1900 make you cry:

Donkey Hodey says:
Donk: Hello? Make-you-cry hotline? Yeah, so I’ve only got 25 cents. What do you have for me?
Operator: They’re making a Viewmaster movie and there are people who still value Madonna’s opinions.
Donk: Thanks.
*bawls*

Next up, the Twilight board game:

Token Black Guy says: I may just buy one if only for its ability to lure both teenage girls and lonely undersexed older women.

Yes, perhaps we’ve been unfairly ignoring that angle.  Meanwhile, Stinky Peet had all the answers in the ACTUAL PREMISE: HUGH JACKMAN TO TRAIN ROBOT BOXER thread:

Stinky Peet says: Hugh Jackman finds the discarded robot on the waterfront, mumbling over and over, “I coulda been a Nintendah…”

Stinky Peet says: “Short me, Mick.”

Somehow, the Book of Eli trailer turned into a thread about Hobo Jesus.

Michelle07 says: Hobo Jesus turns EVERYTHING into wine.

Rock Strongo says: Hobo Jesus was a carpenter until this damn recession started.

And finally, the winner is ChinoMoreno, who was unarguably on fire last week.  There’s a cream for that, you know.

Polanski
ChinoMoreno says: Drugs, booze and non consensual sex? That’s what I call ‘date night’.

[Editor's note: that one wouldn't have been nearly as funny if Chino wasn't a girl.]

Blood Energy Drink
ChinoMoreno says: You should try to B more +.

ChinoMoreno says: Unlike their purchasers, these pouches come in a box.

Not Your Grandma’s A2M Movie
ChinoMoreno says: I couldn’t really enjoy my Grandma’s ATM movie because her Jitterbug kept ringing through the whole thing.

Book of Eli/Hobo Jesus
ChinoMoreno says: All those times you only saw one set of footprints in the dirt by the railroad tracks? Yep, Hobo Jesus was carrying you.

ChinoMoreno says: Hobo Jesus holds a sign that says ‘Will work for food, but expects a raise on the third day’

I think it was “expects a raise on the third day” that clinched it.  Well done all, and chalk up another one for the drunkettes.