A few months ago, we found out that Brett Ratner would be wheezing Cheeto crumbs and leaving nacho cheese fingerprints all over the script for Hercules, with the lead role to be played by The Rock, in a “graphic-novel-based” film produced by Peter “JOIN THE ARMY, MOTHERF*CKER” Berg. Now, Renny Harlin, who directed Deep Blue Sea, Cutthroat Island, Die Hard 2, and a John Cena movie, and who was basically Michael Bay before Michael Bay was Michael Bay, has signed on for a competing project called “Hercules 3D,” which is totally gonna be supes different from that other Hercules movie, you guys. I mean, for one thing, I hear the 3D goes up to 11.

“It’s not a comic book, cartoony fantasy thing,” Harlin tells The Hollywood Reporter. “It’s closer to Gladiator than flying horses.”
On the subject of the competing Hercules project, Harlin says, “I think these are very different kinds of movies in their approach to this legendary character. Obviously, Hercules has been portrayed in many different films, such as the Disney animated movie. I wish them luck. Ancient Greek mythology is an endless source of good stories … Let’s see both movies be successful.”
Millennium has begun pre-production on the $70-million-budgeted film and expects to cast its eight leading roles in the next few weeks. The company is eyeing a May production start on its lot in Sofia, Bulgaria, and hopes to have the movie ready for a March 2014 release.
The aggressive schedule is squarely aimed to beat Paramount and MGM’s rival Hercules project, which is being directed by Brett Ratner and is to star Dwayne Johnson. That movie is set for an Aug. 8, 2014, release.

Renny Harlin’s movies are awesomely sh*tty, and Hercules is every dumb studio exec’s brilliant plan to capitalize on The 300 (at one point there were three separate Hercules movies in development, I’m not sure how many there are now). This seems like a match made in dumb movie heaven. There aren’t many people besides Renny Harlin who could ever dream of out-dumbing a Brett Ratner movie starring a pro wrestler. Paul WS Anderson, maybe. Anyway, this is great news for Jason Momoa. Stay near the phone, dude.

Cutthroat Island cost almost $100 million to make, and when it came out in 1995, it managed to earn slightly more than $10 million domestically. It was directed by Renny Harlin, who was basically Michael Bay before Michael Bay was Michael Bay, and starred his then wife Geena Davis. The film bankrupted Carolco, the production company, which had previously made Basic Instinct, Cliffhanger, and Terminator 2.

Recently, while promoting his newest crappy movie, 5 Days of War, Harlin talked about the Cutthroat Island fiasco with Kim Masters on KCRW, and for the first time, he says he knew Carolco was going bankrupt before the film came out, and says he actually begged not to make it. I hope you’re writing this excuse down, M. Night Shyamalan. What’s that? I just wasn’t European enough to understand? Hmm, not the way I would’ve gone, but I guess that works too.

“I’ll tell you another detail that people don’t know about. Originally, Michael Douglas was supposed to star in Cutthroat Island. And he walked away. At that point I was left there with my then-wife, Geena Davis and myself, and a company that was already belly-up. We begged to be let go. We begged that we didn’t have to make this movie. And I don’t think I’ve ever said this in any other interview. We begged that we not be put in this position.”

“Geena was scared mindless about headlining this film. We felt that a pirate movie with a female lead was suicidal, but we were contractually obligated. And we were so concerned about the script at that point that I personally spent a million dollars of my own money, I hired Mark Norman, who had won an Oscar for writing Shakespeare in Love. So I tried to hire the best writer in the business. Because, again, Carolco said, “we don’t have money. We don’t care if the script is not good, or if it doesn’t work any more because it was written for Michael Douglas and now it’s not that story any more.” So I spent a million dollars of my own money to hire Mark Norman to write that script. We did the best we could under the circumstances. So, was it painful when it all came crashing down? Yes. Did we learn a lot? Yes.” [transcript via SlashFilm]

Hmm, I’m no legal expert, but I don’t think you can force someone to direct a movie. Unless you kidnap his wife like in a Renny Harlin movie. In any case, still no word on whether he also begged not to have to make Die Hard 2, Deep Blue Sea, Driven, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Cleaner, Mindhunters, 12 Rounds... Pretty much everything he directed except Long Kiss Goodnight. The Long Kiss Goodnight is the bomb. And was totally Renny Harlin’s idea, I’m sure.

…Crap, I just alienated everyone who didn’t grow up in the 90s, didn’t I. (*walks away, sheepishly dragging spray-painted overalls while Arrested Development plays*)

Read the rest of this entry »

was as surprised as you are.  This time he plays a cop, which is a real stretch from his last role as a marine in… uh, The Marine.  In the last movie, terrorists kidnapped his wife and he had to get her back.  This time around, he accidentally kills someone else‘s wife, and as payback, the guy then kidnaps his wife and uses her to forces him into some Saw-like predicaments.  Oh, and did I mention the director is Renny F-ing Harlin (Die Hard 2, Deep Blue Sea, etc?

Jesus, can you imagine the pitch meeting?   “…Okay, okay, so it’s like The Marine… meets wrestling… vs. Saw …multiplied by Deep Blue Sea!”  Much cocaine was consumed, friends, I guarantee it.  And then?  Gun fingaz.

Director Renny Harlin, a man responsible for some of the most awesomely shitty movies in history (including Driven, as seen above, Deep Blue Sea, Cutthroat Island, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Cliffhanger, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – yup, the Andrew Dice Clay movie, and Die Hard 2, by far the worst Die Hard), is right where he should be – directing a movie with the WWE’s John Cena.

"Story centers on a New Orleans police detective (Cena) whose girlfriend is kidnapped."  Hmm, that reminds me of something…

It’s Cena’s second outing toplining a feature, following 2006′s "The Marine," which is WWE Films’ most successful release so far, earning $22 million worldwide. [Variety]

Oh yeah.  Hey, what was the plot of that again? "Thieves on the run kidnap the wife of a recently discharged marine."  Nice.  But really this post was just an excuse to show you some of Renny Harlin’s greatest hits.  Check them out after the jump – it’s a must see.

Samuel Jackson gives a rousing speech in Deep Blue Sea

Cliffhanger – some of the best Stallone grimaces in history.

Die Hard 2 (Die Harder) – The TV Edit

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane – I can’t imagine why Andrew Dice Clay doesn’t get more work. He’s so convincing.

Cutthroat Island – Just watch the first 40 seconds or so of this. Hey, is that a Masterson brother?

The Marine – not Renny Harlin, still awesomely shitty.

More Die Hard 2 – four minutes and thirty seconds of pure action this time. When I go out, I hope I go out in slow motion like these guys.