Twilight fans, who’ve been known to do things like make replica Bella wombs out of felt, and get attacked by their cats named Renesmee, can now celebrate their love of abstinence parables with custom-made sparkling vampire baby dolls, courtesy of Etsy user Bean Shanine.

Love Twilight? how about your very own red eyed newborn twilight vampire reborn baby!
You choose the details..created out of the Lulu reborn kit with twilight red eyes
The pictures are just examples of what your vampire baby can look like. The baby laying down is the lulu kit. Lulu has a partially open mouth just perfect for little vampire fangs!

You will get your twilight reborn baby made with:
- Genesis heat set paints so your baby will look beautiful for eternity
- Red glass eyes
- Vinyl arms and legs, vinyl head
- Painted in many many layers for 3D skin
- Doe suede body for easy positioning
- Stuffed with pollyfill
- Pollypellets used for a squishy tooshie
- Tiny glass beads used for real baby weight from 6lbs to 8lbs

It’s hard to know what the most disturbing aspect of that was. The “beautiful for eternity” definitely gave me a Mrs. Havisham/Possum Kingdom kind of vibe, but the “for easy positioning” was arguably more cryptic. And of course there’s always the oddly sanitized “squishy tooshie,” not to mention the implication that that would be something you look for in a doll. “Should I buy this doll, Henry?” “Wait, Margaret, squish its tooshie first, make sure it’s ripe!”

The message of Twilight here is that if you practice abstinence, you’ll eventually be rewarded with a sparkling white baby with special powers, whereas if you succumb to ethnic temptation, you get one with too much body hair that sweats too much and stinks. But just because you have a sparkling white baby, you’re not out of the woods yet, because the sweaty ethnic types will try to f*ck it. It is truly the love story of our times.

In a recent interview with Hitfix, Taylor Lautner called the werewolf-on-infant love affair in Twilight Breaking Dawn a “touchy subject,” and if I could rig this headline to make a slide-whistle sound when you clicked it, I totally would. You may recall that the plot of Breaking Dawn involves Jacob the Shirtless Werewolf (wolves have higher body temperatures, you see) falling in love with Bella and Edward’s telepathic, half-vampire fetus, Renesmee, a process called “imprinting.” A dirty ethnic wolf that wants nothing more than to bang your sparkling white baby before it’s even born might be considered problematic by some, but who better to ask for clarification than Taylor Lautner, a guy with all the charisma of an old shoe? Tell us, how did you deal with this idiotic premise, shoe?

“I was nervous about that one, because imprinting is a very complicated and touchy thing. Ummm, so. It helped, because we had Stephenie Meyer, who created this whole imprinting thing on set with us the whole time. Trust me, I picked her brain quiiite a bit about it, and that made me feel a lot more comfortable.”

If Taylor Lautner is ever comfortable I’d hate to see what uncomfortable looks like. This guy acts like a robot that’s been raised by gay publicists.

“Stephenie told me, stop trying to complicate it, to just keep it simple, to think of it as a lifelong bond between two human beings, and to not think about where it’s going and what’s going to happen, because right now, at this stage, he’s really more of a protector, he protects Renesmee.”

I’ve never seen a Twilight movie in theaters before, but I’m thinking of busting my cherry on this one. It looks potentially like the funniest movie of the year. I mean just look at this:

RUN, BELLA! YOU’VE ANGERED THE COUNCIL OF MALL GOTHS!

Pretty much every frame I’ve seen so far has been unintentional humor of the highest level. I imagine the rest of the film is just the characters exchanging “who farted” looks.

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This morning, I posted the first picture from Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2, featuring Bella and Edward’s telepathic, half-vampire baby, Renesmee. At the time I opined, “how many cats out there are named Renesmee? I bet it’s a lot.” This prompted reader Garrett to send me the following KOMO news story from 2010, and OH MY F*CKING GOD, YOU GUYS. I don’t want to get hyperbolic, but this story is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

REXBURG, Idaho – A Rexburg woman says one of her cats recently attacked her and tried to kill her, sending her and her husband to the hospital.
The Ostermiller family says their cat was completely normal until three days after it gave birth to kittens. But it soon became defensive, and the family says it tried to kill them.
It began last week on Tuesday at about 5:30 a.m. The Ostermillers were sleeping when they heard a sound.
“All I heard was rrwwwrrrr hisss,” Jackie Ostermiller said.
Jackie woke up and saw her cat, Renesmee, (named after the Twilight character) panicking. Jackie thinks a male cat had wandered by outside the home and Renesmee was protecting her kittens.

IT WAS PROBABLY A WEREWOLF! YOU KNOW THOSE DIRTY ETHNIC WEREWOLVES GO CRAZY FOR FRESH WHITE KITTEN MEAT!

Jackie went to grab her cat to stop her from bolting out a hole in the screen door. That’s when the kitty made its move.
“I was being mauled literally for the kill. She had got a hold of my nose first, my face first, my arms – I was literally screaming,” she said.
Jackie’s husband, Blaine, was able to pry the attacking feline off.

You can tell that she’s a Stephenie Meyer reader by her vivid imagery and extensive vocabulary. She really paints a picture. “The cat was going ‘raaawwwwr.’ She was literally going crazy. She was so crazy, it was scary.”

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HALP ME, BALLA. LLAMA WANT MAKE SAX TO OUR VAMPAHR BEBBE. HALP YOUR HOSE BEND HIDE BEBBE RENEEEZZZEEEEMEEEEE.

At long last, Summit Entertainment (via EntertainmentWeekly) has released our first glimpse at the telepathic vampire former fetus from The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2. Mackenzie Foy plays Renesmee, the hybrid fetus whose amniotic shake brings all the wolves to the yard. As for the Cullens’ “look,” I believe that’s called “edgy Mormon.” Meanwhile, “Renesmee” sounds like someone from Oklahoma wanted to start a lingerie company and tried to give it a French-sounding name.

In the previous film, Renesmee was conceived on Edward and Bella’s honeymoon and born shortly after. Since she’s a hybrid, she grew at a rapid rate. She also developed cognitive abilities beyond her human peers. And did we forget to mention that she’s been imprinted on by Jacob Black?

If vampires are immortal and never age, wouldn’t a baby that’s half vampire age at half the rate of a normal human, not twice? “Excuse me, Mrs. Cullen? Your 25-year-old daughter just crapped on our lawn again.” “I’m so sorry about that. She’s a very powerful vampire.”

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(source)

Breaking Dawn is the Twilight book that comes after New Moon, and if you’ve read t who really cares.  The funny part is them trying to explain how they plan to shoot this preposterous story.

The other challenge of course is Renesmee*, Bella’s half-vampire, half-human daughter who is able to read, talk, run and hunt despite being a toddler. [Producer Wyck] Godfrey says “It’s certainly going to be visual effects in some capacity along with an actor. I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up being a full CG creation, but it also may be a human shot on a soundstage that then is used to shrink down.” [DarkHorizons]

Asked the reporter in a follow-up: “So you’re saying it’s either going to be an all-CG vampire baby like Jar-Jar Binks meets Ally McBeal, OR a full-grown adult shrunk down on a computer like Little Man?”  At which point Godfrey buried his face in his hands and his dog covered its eyes with its paws, sighing loudly.

*The white equivalent of black people naming their kids D’Brickashaw or Flozilla.
[Thanks to Burnsy for the comic, which looks like it came from the always awesome Superpoop]