VINCE’S DISCLAIMER: I didn’t make a list of worst movies this year because to do it fairly, I would’ve had to knowingly subject myself to terrible movies. I don’t care what anyone says, you do that often, eventually it’s going to mess you up.  Ever read a film critic who’s seen every Katherine Heigl ass-pile (or whatever the equivalent of Heigl was in 1983) for the last 30 years?  They slowly go insane, they start recommending films like Atonement. Poor Peter Travers used to be the best critic around.  Now he feeds his scabs to pigeons and buries herring in his garden to commemorate krystallnacht.  I don’t believe in seeing every movie and pretending I don’t already have a pretty good idea which ones are going to suck.  Snobby as it may sound, I’m trying to not ruin my taste buds by purposely scalding them on microwaved chili biscuits from Am/Pm.  But I know how people love lists of bad movies. Luckily, for that we have Burnsy. You think that guy worries about his taste?  Dude lives in Orlando. [/end disclaimer]

Putting together a Top 10 list is a grueling process in any genre, but I found the feat of selecting the 10 worst movies of 2010 to be downright painful. It’s primarily difficult because these movies are atrocious piles of cow flop that should cause unparalleled levels of shame to be cast upon the families of everyone involved in them. It was also painful because I watched so much crap this year, and there was so much more crap that I could have watched but just couldn’t. Seriously, The Bounty Hunter? I don’t have the will power to not throw my TV into traffic. But here’s the thing – I enjoy watching terrible movies so much more than great movies because I live to criticize. Vince can tighten his scarf and crank Florence + The Machine from his hybrid IROC while he raves about Hesher, but by all accounts Hesher is a great movie, so nobody’s going to argue.

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Opening this weekend:

Green Zone
Despite this looking exactly like one of those boring-ass Bourne movies, it’s been getting pretty good reviews, and actually sounds kind of interesting.  I’d say that’s a good thing, but I guarantee if it does well, studio execs are just going to interpret its success as “See? Audiences love shakey cam, ROFLJO!”

She’s Out of My League
I’m not the best spokesperson for the feminist point of view because I think all women should stay in the kitchen baking me pies and rubbing oil on their tits, but seriously, if you’re a boring douche like Jay Baruchel, you get to date a boring, mediocre-looking chick.  In all honesty, I can’t think of a concept more tired than this one, and there are a lot of tired concepts out there.  As many as there are tired puppies, at least.

Remember Me
This looked like a lame (and hackneyed) glorification of rich, whiny NYU asswipes even before I heard about the Secret Dwarf Hooker ending (don’t click that unless you want a spoiler).  The only reason I’d consider seeing this is to sit in the back, and every time Emilie De Ravin came on screen, shout, “CHAAAHLIE MOY BAAAAIBY NOOOOOOOAAAAAARR!”

And yes, that’s 100% phonetically accurate.  Trust me, I know what an Australian girl shouting “No” sounds like.

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Remember how we spoiled the ending of The Orphan, where mini Madonna turned out not to be a child at all, but a rare, fully-grown, sociopathic dwarf hooker?  Well, after the jump I’m going to spoil Robert Pattinson and the annoying chick from Lost‘s new movie (CHAAAHLIE MY BAIBY NOOOAARR!).  It’s called Remember Me, you know the one, the one that has the commercial where the annoying chick is like, “Sorry, I don’t date sociology majors,” and  RPattz is all “Good thing I’m undecided,” and the Lost chick is like, “What are you undecided about?”  And he’s all, “I dunno, the meaning of life, my sexuality; everything.”

Yeah, we’re gonna spoil that.  Admit it, you weren’t going to see it anyway.  It might not be secret dwarf hooker worthy, but it’s still pretty juicy like my thighs.

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In Remember Me, Robert Pattinson stars alongside Pierce Brosnan, Chris Cooper, and Emilie de Ravin, who manages to be 1000 times less annoying in this than she was as Claire on Lost, when all she did was whine and cry and pout and yell and oh god I hated her.

Robert Pattinson plays Tyler, a rebellious young man in New York City who has a strained relationship with his father (Pierce Brosnan) ever since tragedy separated their family. Tyler didn’t think anyone could possibly understand what he was going through until the day he met Ally (Emilie de Ravin) through an unusual twist of fate. Love was the last thing on his mind, but as her spirit unexpectedly heals and inspires him, he begins to fall for her. Through their love, he begins to find happiness and meaning in his life. But soon, hidden secrets are revealed, and the circumstances that brought them together slowly threaten to tear them apart.

Well it’s a good thing he did this film.  It would’ve been a shame to see him get typecast as the broody emo who always falls for the wounded dove type.  Who bites her lip to indicate attraction.

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