Will Smith, who famously turned down the starring role in Tarantino’s Django Unchained because it didn’t fit his brand image, is now in talks to star in and produce a remake of Sam Peckinpah’s infamously violent 1969 western The Wild Bunch. If he doesn’t stick one of his dumb wiener kids in this it will be a miracle.

Smith would produce through his Overbrook Entertainment banner along with Jerry Weintraub, who recently worked with Smith on “The Karate Kid” remake.
The original “Wild Bunch” followed a group of aging outlaws that plan one last score on the Texas-Mexico border as the traditional American West changes around them in 1913.
A modern remake involving cartels south of the border, the “Wild Bunch” reboot is expected to follow a disgraced D.E.A. agent who assembles a team to go after a Mexican drug lord and his fortune.
The studio and producing team are currently looking to hire a new writer for the project, which provides the opportunity to surround Smith with a strong ensemble. |TheWrap|

That should be reassuring news, that the guy currently starring in an M. Night Shyamalan movie is the one choosing the writer to update a classic. To be more specific, a guy starring in an M. Night Shyamalan movie where “humans haven’t set foot on Earth in over 1,000 years, where everything has evolved to kill humans.” Hoooooooooooooo, boy.

It’s not that I dislike Will Smith or that I even think he’s a bad actor, it’s just that he’s such a milquetoast dildo that I imagine his version of The Wild Bunch looking basically like that minivan commercial with the little kid choosing his football team.

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Pictured: Steven Seagal’s ex-wife

That picture above? That was a game-changer in my childhood, man. When people talk about John Hughes movies like Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I’m always like, “Nah bro, it’s all about Weird Science” because it’s one of the greatest movies ever made. And now, here we are, delivering the inevitable – news that Weird Science is being remade by Universal Pictures.

This isn’t a grand revelation, as we knew this was coming, but now it’s as real as a Slurpee dumped on your head by Robert Downey Jr., because Universal has hired a writer.

The film will be produced by Joel Silver, who made the original with Hughes at Universal. Michael Bacall will write the script. He scripted the sleeper hit Project X for Silver Pictures and wrote the script for 21 Jump Street, another 80s-centric property that became a hit for Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill. (Via Deadline)

In a quick search of Twitter and Tumblr, I saw plenty of people upset about this news, to which I mentally replied, “Because this is clearly the worst thing happening in the world right now”, but the backlash should be expected. After all, this is a classic along the lines of Citizen Kane and Casablanca that is being remade. This isn’t Curly Sue or Beethoven’s 4th. This is Weird-f*cking-Science man.

But I’m here to talk my fellow bra-heads off the ledge. I have a little method – call it therapy – that we can use to ease ourselves into this idea…

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Not pictured: A George W. Bush mask that is on backwards.

Director and possible Sony smart phone Ericson Core (Invincible) has been tabbed by Alcon Entertainment to direct the remake of Kathryn Bigelow’s 1991 part-time bank robbers/full-time surfers action drama Point Break. According to Alcon – yes, the very same Alcon that brought us Joyful Noise and The Wicker Man – this new take on the classic tale of a former college football star turning to law enforcement to infiltrate and take down a team of surfing skydivers who rob banks to fund their free-wheeling lifestyles is to remain in our radical wheelhouses, you righteous bros.

The new version of the film is set in the world of international extreme sports, and like the original involves an undercover FBI agent infiltrating a criminal ring. The filmmakers are keeping other plot points under wraps.

Known for his cinematography work on the box office success “The Fast and the Furious” for Universal Pictures and “Daredevil” for 20th Century Fox, Core made his directorial debut with Disney’s “Invincible” starring Mark Wahlberg.

So it’s basically xXx meets, um, Point Break. Whatever. I’m not going to be that guy who freaks out and acts all indignant that yet another “classic” film is being dug up and violated by uncreative Hollywood suits who are just looking to make a quick score at the box office by trampling the name of something we love, while knowing that we’ll bite and fork over our cash because we’re all soulless monkeys, conditioned to stare at the giant flashy screen because, “LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY COLORS!”

No way, I’m not going to be that incoherent, babbling A-hole. Instead, I’m going to ask the most important questions about Point Break that no one has been brave enough to ask.

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“Please… please stop taking pictures of our children… they just want to be normal kids.”

Last year, then-11-year old Willow Smith caused an Internet uproar when she Tweeted a picture of herself with what looked like a tongue ring while bragging that she got a tongue ring. And people clearly believed that she would get her tongue pierced because she dresses like this and has hair like this, so it just seemed logical. It turned out, though, that she was just playin, y’all, because she just wanted to watch everyone overreact. Take that, you poor adults working hard to pay bills, whatever those are.

But the timing was convenient, because it reminded us that not only were her father, Will Smith, and rap superstar Jay-Z producing a remake of the classic musical Annie, and not only were they trying to get Emma Thompson to write it, but it was also starring Willow. After all, her brother got to be Karate Kid for Halloween so she should get to be Annie.

Except now she doesn’t want to do it anymore. “Gosh dad, just give me a million dollars and leave me alone!”

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“Hey, kid. Wanna buy a Big Bang Theory boxed set?”

As we’ve been over, a Uruguayan dude (Fede Alvarez) who broke onto the scene with a four-minute YouTube short that had him getting calls from producers the same day, is directing a remake of The Evil Dead, supposedly without any CGI and with Sam Raimi’s blessing. Now there’s a longer trailer, and it’s got all the tree-rape and blood puke you could hope for, plus, dub step! What’s not to love? Oh right, the dub step. Anyway, proceed.

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