According to Vulture, Disney is planning a reboot remake† of The Rocketeer, their 1991 film directed by Captain America‘s Joe Johnston in his second feature. I was sitting here trying to come up with something, anything interesting about The Rocketeer, and the best I could come up with was that Jennifer Connelly played the love interest in it, which means that she’s been hot for 20-plus years. Impressive.

Now that Disney’s troubled movie studio is under new management, our spies tells us that, curiously, one of the first properties to be developed for a feature film is a reboot of 1991’s thirties-set adventure film, The Rocketeer.
In it, a racing pilot named Cliff Secord (Billy Campbell) discovers a rocket-pack prototype in his stunt plane, hidden there by the gangsters who stole it from Howard Hughes.
The Rocketeer was first published in 1982 by tiny (and now, sadly, defunct) Pacific Comics, and was conceived by artist Dave Stevens as an homage to the serial action heroes of the thirties. By the time Disney released The Rocketeer in 1991, Pacific had already been liquidated for half a decade. Stevens lost a battle with leukemia in March 2008
We’re told the studio will soon be meeting with various writers to come up with a take. But its reappearance at Disney now, of course, begs the question: Why? [Vulture]

Why? Because it’s quasi-superhero-esque, duh. The Avengers made a billion dollars, and The Dark Knight Rises will surely get there, so if you have something in your back catalog that looks kind of like Iron Man, what do you think you’re going to do? I’m sure it will be a bland Disney film, but the original did involve jetpacks and Nazi Zeppelins, so who knows? More importantly, all of this led me to this gif:

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This is the trailer for Prom Night (a remake of the 1980 movie of the same name), which was made by Screen Gems so you know it’s gonna be really good.

Tagline: If you don’t come home by midnight…YOU WON’T COME HOME AT ALL

Rejected taglines: If you leave the house looking like that, I’LL DISOWN YOU LIKE YOUR GAY BROTHER!  That’s a nice tattoo, honey, IF YOU WANNA GET YOUR ASS BEAT IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS!

Anyway, judging by the trailer, it looks like a killer terrorizes the cast of High School Musical.  Who am I supposed to root for again?  I don’t know if I’ll see it, but I’m headed straight to iTunes to download that emo cover of "Time After Time". 

Check out the new trailer for Possession, a remake of the South Korean horror film Addicted, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar (why does she need three names? did she kill a president I’m not aware of?).

A woman’s life is thrown into chaos after a freak car accident sends her husband and brother-in-law into comas. Thrills arrive after the brother-in-law wakes up, thinking he’s his brother.

I don’t have any brothers, but I’d like to think that if I did, I’d bang their girlfriends.  I’m just old fashioned like that.  Anyway, if you’re keeping score at home, that makes this a remake and a body swap movie.  Body swap movies are so original that they have their own Wikipedia page.   

A body swap is a storytelling device seen in a variety of fiction, most often in TV shows and movies, in which two people (or beings) exchange minds and end up in each others’ bodies. Alternatively, their minds may stay where they are as their bodies adjust.

It goes on to say:

In 1973 a group of scientists from Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland Ohio, led by Dr. Robert White, a neurosurgeon inspired by the work of Vladimir Demikhov, transplanted the head of one monkey onto another monkey’s body. The animal was still able to smell, taste, hear, and see. The animal survived for eight days after the operation, even at times attempting to bite some of the staff. In 2001 the operation was successfully repeated again on a monkey by the aforementioned Dr. White.

And that monkey was none other than Sarah Michelle Gellar. 

IESB today is reporting that Snatch director (hehe) Guy Ritchie will soon be taking time out of his busy schedule of helping Madonna work on her English accent to direct a remake of The Dirty Dozen.

The original came out in 1967, and starred Lee Marvin and Ernest Borgnine

A Major with an attitude problem and a history of getting things done is told to interview military prisoners with death sentences or long terms for a dangerous mission; To parachute behind enemy lines and cause havoc for the German Generals at a rest house on the eve of D-Day.

What with talk about remaking Blade, Child’s Play, The Exorcist, etc., this in comparison actually seems like a decent idea.  You know, as long as they don’t cast Stone Cold Steve Austin or someone in it.  Of course Ritchie has to finish RocknRolla and The Gamekeeper (based on some comic boo- uh, graphic novel) first.    

^{I guess "Kuato sings…" is the latest in YouTube trends. Sorry, I was trying to find clip or pic of the three-boob lady.}

According to MovieHole, the Weinsteins want to make another Total Recall.  And they can't really make it with Swarzenegger, considering he looks like this now. He's also apparently some kind of politician or something.  The natural solution is to do a remake, probably directed by McG or some other asshole, with all the animatronics and puppets replaced with CGI, set to a rockin' Fall Out Boy song.  And then Harvey Weinstein can come to my house and kick me in the nuts and tell me I'm old.

Some people might blame this on capitalism, but I know it's the Jews' fault.