Last time we heard about Relativity Media’s reboot (remake?) of The Crow, Juan Carlos Fresnadillo was directing and it was set to star Bradley Cooper in the lead. Which is like casting the captain of the lacrosse team as the head goth. To make matters worse, leaked concept art had Cooper wearing a top hat like Slash with a vest and basically looking like a Jonas Brother with eyeliner (the horror…). Fresnadillo and Cooper both wisely bailed on the project in late 2011, and, I sh*t you not, Relativity wanted to cast Mark Wahlberg or Channing Tatum instead. Now they’ve got another three-named Latino directing, F. Javier Gutierrez, and word is that James McAvoy is “circling” the lead, whatever that means.

Anyone else wonder if they just floated those ideas about Bradley Cooper and Channing Tatum so that this one would sound less stupid?

Bloody Disgusting has been on the forefront on most of the casting news for Relativity’s The Crow reboot. And even though we were once mocked for announcing that Mark Wahlberg was in serious discussion, it eventually came out via the actor that we were 100% correct. The same insider is back again with another whopper of a tip…
James McAvoy, who blew our minds as Charles Xavier in X-Men: First Class, is circling Relativity’s long-gestured remake. He would star as Eric Draven, a man brutally murdered whom comes back to life as an undead avenger of his and his fiancée’s murder. [Bloody-Disgusting]

Back in 1994, those heady days of Friends and Green Day starting mudfights, a goth hero in face paint and tight black leathers killing people and wailing on the guitar seemed fresh and kind of novel (as did Bai Ling). In 2013, I have to assume that we’re going to get Slipknot songs and a Crow who looks like Mask from Tapout (*pours out energy drink*). I mean Slipknot is best case scenario. But who knows, I’m sure the company that thought Brad Cooper in a tophat was a good idea can make the kind of creative decisions that will keep this both fresh and respectful. Godspeed, you geniuses.

My idea for a reboot is called The Crowe, about a fat Australian who goes around throwing meat pies at people who make fun of his band. The key to his invincibility is an old hoagie he keeps in his pocket.

It seemed like not so long ago that Universal and Hasbro execs were riding high on a wave of cocaine as big as the Chrysler building, greenlighting movies based on as many board games as they could remember. Twilight‘s Taylor Lautner was going to bring all four quadrants together playing a movie version of Stretch Armstrong (“the only thing he can’t stretch is his acting ability!”). But then Abduction (starring Lautner) was kind of a bust, and so was Battleship (Hasbro board game), and Universal sobered up for a few minutes, and that was the end of Lautner as Armstrong. Lautner moved onto a parkour-based bike messenger movie, and the Stretch project (which I actually think is a better idea than Battleship, at least it has a character) has since moved to Relativity Media. Relativity just closed a deal with Breck Eisner to direct, and why not? The guy made Sahara.

Eisner, known for directing the remake of George A. Romero’s horror movie The Crazies, will helm the film, targeted for an April 11, 2014 release date, based on the script written by Dean Georgaris (Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, The Manchurian Candidate).

This is a fantastic opportunity to create a world [in bed] that is both fresh and exhilarating [in bed] ,” said Eisner. “What really excites me [in bed] is the chance to build a hero from the ground up [in bed].”

“We were delighted by Breck and Dean’s innovative and creative concept for bringing this character to life [in bed]. Their unique vision for creating the mythology for this story [in bed] paired with their experience [in bed] gives us the confidence that they are the perfect team [in bed] to bring Stretch Armstrong to the big screen [in bed],” said Tooley, President, Relativity.

This original story will be a gritty actioner introducing the character of Lucas Armstrong and the life-or-death consequences he will face after undergoing a transformation granting him superhuman abilities [in bed]. [ComingSoon]

Well. Let me be the first to say… flurp? No word yet on who’ll play the title role, but I hear Boo Boo Stewart’s available.

"Don't fence me in, girl."

With Battleship set to open on May 18, it would seem that Universal is full steam ahead (*tugboat horn*) with the threat of producing a series of films based on Hasbro games. However, as we learned last year, the threat is dying. First, Universal killed Clue in the board room with the red pen, and then the studio gently pushed its McG-helmed Ouija Board movie into the dumpster.

Now, as if the gods have heard our cries for salvation, Universal has also dropped its Stretch Armstrong movie that was not only going to be in 3D, but would have starred Taylor Lautner. That’s right, it was the perfect storm of elastic crap.

So why the toe tag, Universal?

The Tay-Tay camp is claiming “it was our choice” to pull out of the film, but in fact a project insider told Deadline months ago right after Lautner’s Lionsgate film Abduction bombed that the studio was rethinking the project with Lautner as star but that Hasbro would make the final decision on the status of the project. Looks like that has happened. (Via Deadline)

First of all, Tay-Tay? That’s just asinine. No grown adult covering any topic should ever refer to someone as Tay-Tay unless it’s a panda baby.

As for the film, we can’t get too excited. Relativity Media is cleaning up Universal’s sloppy seconds by teaming with Hasbro to get this movie done. The good thing is that it won’t star Lautner and maybe Universal has learned a very important lesson here.

Battleship is rumored to have cost Universal $200 million to produce, and if that’s true, the producers of Water World must be celebrating right now. There should be no way in hell that a film starring Liam Neeson and Rihanna could make that kind of money back, but stranger things have happened. Either way, this is a nice moral victory.

Let’s all enjoy it for now, until Boo Boo Stewart is cast as the lead in Slinky.

The rumors have been swirling for quite some time that a movie based on the classic anime series Voltron was in the works, but last we heard*, it was being fast tracked (didn’t happen) and a guy named Dick Suckle was producing it (he didn’t). Now you can finally rest your worries, Drunkards of the 80s. Voltron has been optioned, and we’re going to have ourselves a movie. Atlas Entertainment and Relativity Media, two companies that I’ve heard of, have hired Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer to write a script.

Donnelly just wrote the new Conan the Barbarian movie and Oppenheimer wrote Sahara if that does anything for you. Hey, it’s a start, right? Whatever, I’m excited. Let’s engage our nerd boners, producers!

“For nearly three decades, Voltron has captured the minds of a nostalgically loyal and rabid fan base and has long been considered a hotly-pursued project. We are beyond excited World Event Productions and Atlas Entertainment have placed their trust and faith in Relativity to bring this coveted property to the big screen, and usher in a new generation of devoted fans,” Relativity Media president of worldwide production Tucker Tooley said in announcing the project. (The Hollywood Reporter)

Screw it, let’s go to the video…

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When it was announced last week that Relativity Media would be remaking The Crow, starring goth icon, uh… Bradley Cooper… I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that literally everyone thought it was the stupidest f*cking idea in the history of the world.  Well now, a reprieve is a possibility, thanks to an unlikely source: The Weinstein Company.  TWC says Relativity doesn’t own the rights, and therefore can’t sell them, as they’ve been attempting to do.

“If somebody tries to buy those rights other than the Weinsteins, those people will be simply buying a lawsuit,” said TWC attorney Bert Fields, who filed the suit in LA Superior Court.

THE CROW REMAKE?? CAW! CAW! BANG! F*CK! IT’S DEAD!

Dispute centers on a contract between TWC and Relativity — signed “as of March 25, 2009″ — that the suit claims gives TWC exclusive rights to sequels, prequels, and remakes.
“Relativity CEO Ryan Kavanaugh decided that relativity would not perform that contract and will purport to sell TWC’s distribution rights to others here and overseas in will breach of contract,” the lawsuit states.

THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE FOR RELATIVITY!  BUT WAIT! CAN I GET AN EQUALLY BIASED STATEMENT FROM THE OPPOSING SIDE!?

“This is yet another typical litigation stunt from the Weinsteins who have a long history of threatening law suits with the sole purpose of intimidation,” said Relativity in a statement. [Variety]

YOU AND YOUR JEW LAWYERS CAN’T INTIMIDATE US, WEINSTEIN!  YOU’LL HAVE TO PRY THIS BRAD COOPER CROW REMAKE FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS!  OUR COMMITMENT TO TERRIBLE IDEAS IS UNMATCHED!

“But sometimes, there’s an idea so sh*tty, that a terrible sadness is carried with it, and the soul can’t rest.  Then, sometimes, just sometimes, the crow can bring its lawyers back to put the wrongs right.”  (*Stone Temple Pilots song fades in*)