Before Mark Wahlberg was a movie star, he was a juvenile delinquent who beat old Vietnamese men with sticks and called them “slant-eyed gooks.” Somewhere in between those two things (1996, to be precise), he starred in Fear, playing the Fatal Attraction-style boyfriend of Reese Witherspoon, who liked her so much he tattooed “NICOLE 4 EVA” on his chest and fingered her on a roller coaster. It all would’ve worked out too, if only she hadn’t caught him raping that slut Alyssa Milano. That’s when she dumped him and he got mad and cut off her dog’s head, and the guy from CSI had to throw him him off a roof. (Sorry, you have no idea how long I’ve been dying to post that synopsis).

Well it seems Justin Bieber is obsessed with the film, which means it isn’t just making young girls squeal that we have in common. (Me more for hygiene reasons).

Our source would like to remain anonymous for now, as he is still working next to the singer, but we’ve been told that Bieber has been mulling over a number of feature ideas, and he is looking to build off the career model of Mark Wahlberg. And its Marky Mark’s dark R-rated thriller Fear that has caught the attention of Justin Bieber.

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After the jump, you can watch the trailer for McG’s This Means War, starring Tom Hardy and Chris Pine as two CIA super spies who are best of friends until one day, (*RECORD SCRATCH*) they realize they’re both dating Reese Witherspoon (*SAD TROMBONE*). Then they tear the city apart in high-octane, cutesy gun battles over her. (Because that’s totally what dudes do! Men be fightin’ over women be shoppin’ LOL!). And as an ADDED BONUS, Chelsea Handler plays Reese’s saucy, slutty best friend, Sassy Snarkington. SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS, WHAT GOD DID I PLEASE??

How are you still reading this? WATCH THIS MASTERPIECE LIKE YESTERDAY.

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Forbes recently released their list of Hollywood’s ten highest-paid actresses and– AW GOD DAMMIT, KATHERINE HEIGL?! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!? (*kicks puppy*) Aaaanywhoo, Sarah Jessica Parker, everyone’s favorite punching bag (horse jokes in the comments in 3, 2…) landed in the top spot, tied with Angelina Jolie at $30 million.  Rounding out the list are some other actresses you probably don’t like and Meryl Streep, a national treasure. Bash Reese Witherspoon all you want, but if you badmouth Dame Streep I will fight you.

1. Angelina Jolie, $30 million
1. (tie) Sarah Jessica Parker, $30 million
2. Jennifer Aniston, $28 million
2. (tie) Reese Witherspoon, $28 million
3. Julia Roberts, $20 million
3. (tie) Kristen Stewart, $20 million
4. Katherine Heigl $19 million
5. Cameron Diaz, $18 million
6. Sandra Bullock, $15 million
7. Meryl Streep, $10 million

Parker hasn’t strayed far from her association with fashion-lover Carrie Bradshaw from the hit TV show Sex and the City. In 2010 she starred in the second Sex movie, which earned $290 million. She’s designing clothes with Halston and she has a line of best-selling fragrances, including NYC, which brought in $18 million in 2010.
[Forbes]

That Kristen Stewart and Cameron Diaz make the list is obnoxious, but not as bad as Katherine Heigl. During the period Forbes examined to create their list, May 2010 to May 2011, Katherine Heigl made two movies, Killers, with Ashton Kutcher, which barely broke even, and Life As We Know It, with dynamic firebrand Josh Duhamel, which, surprisingly, made a decent amount of money. Those Rotten Tomatoes scores were 11% and 28%, respectively. I have to assume she made most of her money on Grey’s Anatomy residuals. Since that’s the show that introduced us to fecal transplants… I suppose the world does owe her a debt of gratitude. Not a $19 million debt, certainly, but… well, at least Kate Hudson didn’t make the list.

Probably my favorite thing about celebrities is that they’re always getting in ridiculous fights with their neighbors.  First it was Quentin Tarantino angry at True Blood creator Alan Ball, whose parrots were so loud Q-Ball could scarcely concentrate on fist-pumping.  Today it’s Reese Witherspoon’s neighbors, pissed about her loud miniature donkeys, Honky and Tonky.  Yes, Reese Witherspoon owns miniature donkeys.  TINA! COME GET SOME HAM!

Reese Witherspoon’s Ojai, Calif. neighbors are not happy about the noise level of her donkeys, Honky and Tonky. They hee-haw at such a high-volume that “they’re driving us crazy!” a source told Us Weekly.
“It’s so bad that a few residents have sent her a letter,” a local added. But the 35-year-old actress’ neighbors don’t want her to leave, just quiet down her donkeys! “She’s beloved here,” a neighbor said. “I’m not even sure she knows what’s going on.”
In an appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show in December, Witherspoon opened up about her farm full of animals. “This year we got donkeys. They’re really cute,” she gushed. “They’re actually miniature donkeys… They’re docile and sweet.”
“I [also] have two pigs, and I have three goats and I have 20 chickens and of course I have three dogs. And I have one horse. It’s hanging out with the donkey, it’s sweet,” she added. [USWeekly]

I like to imagine Reese riding up to a fancy dinner party at the country club on her miniature donkey, with a rooster in her purse and a frog dangling from a string on her rope belt, and she’s like, “Hey, y’all!”  And all the old snobs just grit their teeth and don’t say anything because they need her Legally Blonde money and are afraid of her dagger chin.  Then Johnny Depp steals a dinner roll and swings out the window on a chandelier, mugging for the camera, while Alan Ball’s minah birds squawk, “RAAAWK, HERE WE GO AGAIN. RAAAWK.”

"Hey, and what's the deal with airline food?"

Apologies for not live-blogging the MTV Movie Awards last night, but in fairness, I didn’t liveblog my nieces arguing over which of their dolls were prettiest either.  Nonetheless, they happened, and Reese Witherspoon was there, collecting her award for fetchest wedge sandals “generation award”, whatever the hell that is.  Naturally, she took this as an opportunity to diss Blake Lively, who’d been onstage 10 minutes earlier. Mee-yow.

“I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl. But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!” [TheSuperficial]

Uh, what?  Now, I get it if we’re talking about Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian, talentless idiots who rode to fame on the backs (heh) of the sex tapes they pretended were unauthorized and now sell perfume to little girls, but the knock on Blake Lively seems uncalled for.  If someone hacks your cell phone against your will and posts your private pictures, you’re the one that’s supposed to be ashamed?  Granted I’m just a raging sexist dying for a broad to make me a sandwich, but that seems very… unfeminist to me. Not to mention, you do realize you just won a box of fake popcorn at a ceremony that honored Justin Bieber’s “Best Jaw-Dropping Moment” in Justin Bieber: Never Say Never and gave “Best Line from a Movie” to “I want to get chocolate wasted!” from Grown Ups, right?  Maybe not the best place to start doling out life advice like you’re the school valedictorian. “Remember, kids, take your vitamins and always believe in yourself!  …And now, here’s Channing Tatum to interpretive pop and lock the nominees for ickyest creeper!”

In conclusion, YOU APOLOGIZE TO BLAKE LIVELY RIGHT NOW, REESE WITHERSPOON!  SHE IS A GREAT PERSON AND A WONDERFUL PHOTOGRAPHER!