One of my best friends once paid an Italian hooker $20 to brush his teeth on the street in what I consider his finest moment, so it’s possible that I’m the perfect audience for this new feature from Fat Jew (don’t look at me like that, that’s his name), “Hookers Do Non-Sexual Stuff.” Here they are in the first installment, toplessly re-enacting the famous scene from Braveheart with Jews for horses. Oh, toplessly, you’re my favorite adverb. My grandfather told me never to look a topless horse in the mouth, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t real hookers. And I’d like to think I know what a real hooker looks like. I’ve met your mom.

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While the jerks at Constantin Films were busy pulling all the re-subtitled Hitler clips from Downfall off the internet all month, something they never counted on happened: a fat guy filmed a re-enactment of the whole thing playing all the characters.  That fat guy was Brandon Hardesty, and he speaks pretty good German (from what I can tell without actually knowing that Satanic pig Latin).  I find the whole video sort of fascinating.  He plays the entire thing pefectly straight, and yet it’s really funny.  The only two overtly comedic touches are using the cover of American Pie Presents: Book of Love to replace the map of Germany, and framing one of the shots next to bead curtains.  Bead curtains.  Jesus, what a bizarre, horrible, retarded hippie invention those were.  “Hey, man, how ’bout instead of a regular door that you can open and close and use to hold the air in, we replace it with some greasy strings of wood balls that dangle across your face like dirty dreadlocks.  Wouldn’t that be cool?”   No.  Get a godd*mn job.

[hat tip: Buzzfeed]