Red Dawn: Because nothing says entertainment like disgruntled emo kids with guns!

That’s right, the awful and awfully unnecessary Red Dawn remake is out on DVD today, but it isn’t alone.  We’ve also got flicks with Jessica Biel, Rebecca Hall, Eva Longoria, Aubrey Plaza, and two films with Catherine Zeta-Jones.  We’ve even got some famous dudes like Bruce Willis and Gerard Butler, if that’s how your ship sails.  We’ve got killer fish and killer water, a chatty hitman and a midnight stallion.  There’s a marine, a quadriplegic, Satan’s angel, and even some cannibals!

The DVDs:
Red Dawn
Wreck-It Ralph
Playing For Keeps
Lay The Favorite
The Bay
A Dark Truth
The Intouchables
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You
California Solo
Interview With A Hitman
Gun Hill Road
Midnight Stallion
The Marine 3: Homefront
Satan’s Angel: Queen Of The Fire Tassels
Elfie Hopkins: Cannibal Hunter
House Hunting

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Does the name ‘DJ Mom Jeans’ mean anything to you?  It will, but only if you continue reading.  Curious about the fire tassels?  That’s understandable.  Continue reading to sneak a peek at ‘em.  Of course you can always just click the link above and skip right to the streaming suggestions, but if you do you’ll never know which film sold more tickets to German audiences than any other movie in 2012, and how can you live without that information? Read the rest of this entry »

This is only the cropped version of a much longer screen grab (full version below) that’s been going around Tumblr. As you can see, these people all enjoyed the Red Dawn remake for all the right reasons, that I’m sure the filmmakers and studio would be very proud of. (Then again, is there a right reason for enjoying a Red Dawn remake?). The bad guys in the movie were famously changed from Chinese to North Korean after the movie was already finished, though I have a sneaking suspicion that these people wouldn’t have been able tell you the difference. Question: Between Red Dawn and the Asianface make up in Cloud Atlas (below right), was this the worst year ever for Asians in movies? |pic via PaulScheer|

MORNING LINKS

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The Ultimate “Workout Fail” Compilation |Clip Nation|

“Please. Do That. Seriously. That Would Be F*cking Awesome.” |High Definite|

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We only have time for one take … and THIS is that take!

There was a time, about eighteen months ago, when you couldn’t swing a cat without running into someone name-checking Malcolm Gladwell’s “Tipping Point” theory (believe me, I tried, the cat was not pleased). People loved that Gladwell riff, they loved it so much they actually sort of lurved it. Why? Well, it was an easy way for folks to discuss change, and why we rarely saw it coming. Which is why I’d posit that the current “normal” of Hollywood, releasing fantastically awful reboots and hyping terrifically terrible retreads, is all about to change. Red Dawn is that “tipping point,” heralding a bright new era of innovation, even as 2012′s version of Red Dawn is over there in the darkened corner, finger blasting various farm animals.

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I don't remember why I made this picture. Just go with it.

Enjoy some bite-sized trade news:

McG directing Kevin Costner in a Luc Besson-scripted Secret Service movie. Against all odds, McG continues to get work. Sounds like this one’s in the vein of similarly Besson-written titles Taken/Lockout/Colombiana. But even though it’s about a Secret Service agent, it sounds like it won’t tread on C-Tates’ White House Down or its Gerard Butler knockoff. Here’s the synopsis:

The project, according to the companies, “explores a story about Secret Service agent Ethan Runner, who discovers he’s dying and decides to retire in order to reconnect with his estranged family. But when the Secret Service offers him access to an experimental drug that could save his life in exchange for one last assignment, he soon finds himself trying to juggle his family, his mission and the drug’s hallucinatory side effects.” [THR]

Is Maggie Grace going to be in it? Maggie Grace is always inexplicably present in Luc Besson films. Anyway I hope to God “Ethan Runner” is a parkour expert. “My name is Ethan F. Runner, and if it’s money you’re after, I can tell you that I have none. What I do have, is a particular set of skills gained over a lifetime of free running.”

Our buddy Jay Chandrasekhar of Broken Lizard is directing Yogi Bear 2. Is it because he’s Indian? Come on, Yogi isn’t even a real Yogi. That’s racist. Anyway, Warner Bros hired Chandrasekhar to rewrite and direct the sequel to Eric Brevig’s 2010 3D classic about a hungry bear that wears ties. Said a WB spokesperson: “In making a sequel to Yogi Bear, we really wanted to make sure to crush as many souls as possible, the more once-promising the better.” Okay, not really. Whatever, hopefully this was a compromise that brings us one step closer to that Super Troopers sequel. As my grandpa once said, “Errybody gotta make dat papa stack.” [Deadline]

Here’s a new clip from Red Dawn!

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Ah fall, when movie studios pack up their testicles and roll out the “safe” films to warm us all up for Academy Awards season. Gone are our summer films, with your Avengers and your Batmans and your Joe Manganiello penis pumps, and arriving soon are your Tyler Perry detectives, Hugh Jackman musicals and Abraham Lincolns, who don’t kill vampires and instead let them live among us peacefully. Normally, I’d say that this is a hibernation period for action junkies like myself, who have pure adrenaline pumping through our veins, but this year seems a little different.

Putting together this list of the top fall movies, I noticed that we’re in for some bigger than usual action films, something that my comrade Dan Seitz also recently noted over at Gamma Squad. With a new James Bond on the way, a Wachowski Siblings epic that could blow our minds, and Quentin Tarantino’s tale of slave revenge just in time for Christmas, we could be in for one of the biggest fall seasons ever.

Enough chit chat, let’s let Michael Bay’s pet tiger, El Tigre Magnifico, walk us through the films that everyone will soon be talking about.

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