Red Dawn: Because nothing says entertainment like disgruntled emo kids with guns!

That’s right, the awful and awfully unnecessary Red Dawn remake is out on DVD today, but it isn’t alone.  We’ve also got flicks with Jessica Biel, Rebecca Hall, Eva Longoria, Aubrey Plaza, and two films with Catherine Zeta-Jones.  We’ve even got some famous dudes like Bruce Willis and Gerard Butler, if that’s how your ship sails.  We’ve got killer fish and killer water, a chatty hitman and a midnight stallion.  There’s a marine, a quadriplegic, Satan’s angel, and even some cannibals!

The DVDs:
Red Dawn
Wreck-It Ralph
Playing For Keeps
Lay The Favorite
The Bay
A Dark Truth
The Intouchables
Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You
California Solo
Interview With A Hitman
Gun Hill Road
Midnight Stallion
The Marine 3: Homefront
Satan’s Angel: Queen Of The Fire Tassels
Elfie Hopkins: Cannibal Hunter
House Hunting

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Does the name ‘DJ Mom Jeans’ mean anything to you?  It will, but only if you continue reading.  Curious about the fire tassels?  That’s understandable.  Continue reading to sneak a peek at ‘em.  Of course you can always just click the link above and skip right to the streaming suggestions, but if you do you’ll never know which film sold more tickets to German audiences than any other movie in 2012, and how can you live without that information? Read the rest of this entry »

After last year’s Worst Movies feature, I received feedback from some readers and Twitter folk about me possibly being “too negative” and “mean” when it came to criticizing films that I chose to watch for this annual hate crime report. Some people even pulled the “What movies have you written?” card, which is cheap because I can just turn around and ask what dog they’ve ever photoshopped a mustache on, and BOOM – argument over.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of films are made each year, and a lot of them are bad. That’s not just by my standards; that’s by the standards of the majority. I have never, in the several years that Vince has let me poison the quality of his website, proclaimed to be a critic. I am just a bro who likes watching movies, and I have a naïve innocence that lets me still believe that people in Hollywood care about making quality films. Then I watch Bucky Larson and that gullible side of me is shoved into a wood chipper.

So how, then, do I determine which of the many, many mainstream films that I have watched in 2012 are the absolute worst of the worst of the WORST? It’s a little pinch of common sense mixed with a dash of “Come on, that’s just f*cking awful”. But I also have some rules, and let’s review them now…

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This is only the cropped version of a much longer screen grab (full version below) that’s been going around Tumblr. As you can see, these people all enjoyed the Red Dawn remake for all the right reasons, that I’m sure the filmmakers and studio would be very proud of. (Then again, is there a right reason for enjoying a Red Dawn remake?). The bad guys in the movie were famously changed from Chinese to North Korean after the movie was already finished, though I have a sneaking suspicion that these people wouldn’t have been able tell you the difference. Question: Between Red Dawn and the Asianface make up in Cloud Atlas (below right), was this the worst year ever for Asians in movies? |pic via PaulScheer|

MORNING LINKS

Memphis woman plans to marry a cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen |Film Drunk|

Frotcast 127: Extended Thanksgiving Sprecial with Matt Ufford |Frotcast|

The 13 Images From Black Friday 2012 That Will Haunt Your Dreams |UPROXX|

Kenan Thompson Hates Kel Mitchell, Says Kel Mitchell |Warming Glow|

The Top 10 YouTube Comments For The Mark Sanchez Assface Fumble |With Leather|

Stealth Is For Losers: Check Out These Crazy ‘Dishonored’ Killing Sprees |Gamma Squad|

Harrison Barnes Presents The NBA Dunk Of The Year (So Far) |Smoking Section|

Fireman Ed: Missing in Action, Possibly Looking For A New Fandom |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Animals that don’t suck |theChive|

The 10 Best Guest Stars On “Veronica Mars” |Buzzfeed|

The 26 Sexiest Katie Cassidy Pictures of All Time |Ranker|

8 Movie Sequels That Are Actually Happening |Mental Floss|

It woudn’t have been Thanksgiving without a naked Courtney Stodden |The Superficial|

5 Types of Romantic Comedy Movie Posters |College Humor|

You Just Have To Deal With This Adorable Baby |Videogum|

Simpsons/Griffins Amalgam Makes My Head Hurt |Unreality|

Emma Stone Has A Sex Tape |IDLYITW|

This LSU-Themed Lamborghini Is Hot Fire |Brobible|

The Ultimate “Workout Fail” Compilation |Clip Nation|

“Please. Do That. Seriously. That Would Be F*cking Awesome.” |High Definite|

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We only have time for one take … and THIS is that take!

There was a time, about eighteen months ago, when you couldn’t swing a cat without running into someone name-checking Malcolm Gladwell’s “Tipping Point” theory (believe me, I tried, the cat was not pleased). People loved that Gladwell riff, they loved it so much they actually sort of lurved it. Why? Well, it was an easy way for folks to discuss change, and why we rarely saw it coming. Which is why I’d posit that the current “normal” of Hollywood, releasing fantastically awful reboots and hyping terrifically terrible retreads, is all about to change. Red Dawn is that “tipping point,” heralding a bright new era of innovation, even as 2012′s version of Red Dawn is over there in the darkened corner, finger blasting various farm animals.

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Well, folks, it’s a month before October, and you know what that means: horror season! Expect lots of boring horror movie posters this week – you know, creepy kids, blood spatter, haunted houses. But that’s not all. Of course we’ve got new Hobbit stuff, Peter Jackson probably keeps a journal about the color and texture of dump he took that morning. Partly because he’s just that self-indulgent these days, partly because New Zealand is just that boring.

I like to think that in this shot (of the Elven King/cult prophet Elrond Hubbard) Hugo Weaving is looking down at his script thinking, “Fuuuuuu…. I signed on for two more years of this sh*t? Christ, man, I’m not an elf that lives for 500 years, I’ve got some other stuff I’d like to do before I die.”

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