Happy new year indeed. Crank 2 has finally showed the world how you make a red band trailer (video slightly NSFW for language and brief nudity). Keep an eye out for the Jenna Haze cameo. Statham commentary to follow.

Oi, cunts, da Staf ‘ere. Oy donno if you cunts rememba, but a whoile back, dis French cunt wiz troyin ta say dat da Staf’s characta in da Transpor’a pahts one an two wiz gaiy.  Now, whoilst da Staf ain’ got nuffin against da gaiys, if a cunt calls da Staf gaiy, Oy’s ain’ got no choice but ta do everyfing in moy powa ta prove da cunt wrong, now doesn’ dey?  So dat’s whin Oy stah’ed callin’ cunts on da fone an sayin’, “Oi.  Moy naime ees Chev Chelios, an’ todaiy’s da day Oy doy.”  Oi, you cunts rememba dat movie, donnit?  Roighto, so long story fock’n short, Oy’s doin’ anuvva Chev Chelios movie, an’ dis toime, oy’s shaggin da birds roight on da camera.  So if some cunt comes along an troys ta say dat da Staf is a gay, you kin just point to da fock’n screen an say, “Oi, cunt, if da Staf is gay, den whoy ‘as ‘e got ‘is dong stuck in dat bird?” An’ da cunt’ll probly feel well stupid, cuz what koinda gay ‘as got ‘is knob inna bird?

Bernie Mac seemed like a cool guy, so I’d hate for him to go out like Raul Julia.  But I can’t ignore the fact that the new Red-Band trailer for Soul Men has both a guy getting hit in the face and a guy getting hit in the nuts.  Either one is the kiss of death (see The Rocker and Love Guru for other examples of this).  Lines I enjoyed:

“Skip on these muthaf-ckin nuts!”
“How you gone hit a nigga inna nuts?”
“I don’ like boy pussy no way.”

More for the rest of us, I say.

Kim Basinger, who surely deserves a spot on the Hollywood Cougar Hall of Fame along with, say, Marisa Tomei, stars in this new red-band trailer for While She Was Out.  In it, she gets verbally abused by her husband who, sadly, never refers to her as a “rude little pig”. She then drives to the grocery store where she leaves a note on someone’s windshield, who, as it turns out, is a psycho killer who was just waiting for someone to send him over the edge.  Other things to watch for:

- ‘I’ve got a gun.  How’s about I aim it at your pussy first.”  1:23
- Multiple headshots.  1:33
- “Ain’t no gun can kill a spirit gone bad.” 2:10
- Beheading an Asian dude! 2:30

Jeez, first Stallone, then Eastwood, now Basinger.  I’m telling you dude, Asian is the new black.
[via UGO]

This is the R-Rated (for brief nipplage around the 28 second mark) trailer for Deadgirl which sounds like pretty much your basic heartwarming indie film.

Deadgirl is about two high school kids who find a dead girl in an abandoned insane asylum strapped to a table. They realize that while she seemed dead at first, she is actually not dead, so they decide to use her for sex. [TrailerAddict]

Well sure, who hasn’t been there.  Boy, that was a hell of a plot twist there in the middle.

This is my last post before Vince gets back and starts tannin’ hides and bustin’ rhymes, so I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom from Tracy Jordan: “Live every week like it’s shark week.”