The moment you’ve all been waiting for is finally here. American Reunion, the American Pie sequel/semi-reboot, has a trailer. You’ll be happy to know that Jason Biggs’ character, Jim (that’s him filling a sock with KY in the banner image), despite being married with kids now, still enjoys masturbating and frequently gets caught in the act. Wacky Jim! Still up to his old antics! Though at this point, I think any psychiatrist in the land would have to sit him down and ask the big question: “Jim, maybe part of you wants to get caught. Have you ever considered that?”

JIM: “Guys? What does third base after 40 feel like?”

OZ: “…It feels like an old, stretched-out tube sock, filled with KY.”

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In this new red-band trailer, Jonah Hill introduces his new film, The Sitter. It turns out, he’s lost so much weight that he can be like “F*ck it, I’m gonna wear a white shirt with horizontal stripes, Jonah Hill ain’t care!” Even more distressing, he cut off his Jew fro. COME ON, MAN! Between you, me, Danny McBride, Jesse Eisenberg, and Will Ferrel, we were just about to make the world safe for the be-pubeskulled. Oh, and f*ck Timberlake. Guy’s a traitor. Don’t even mention that name in front of me. (*spits on ground, crosses self*)

Anyway. Movie’s called “The Sitter,” (guess what it’s about!), it comes from director David Gordon Green (of Your Highness/Pineapple Express fame), and the trailer has lots of swearing at little kids, which is one of my favorite things. As long as none of them start giving wise-beyond-their-years love advice, I think we’re set.

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After the jump, I’ve got the new red-band trailer for Attack the Block (“Inner City vs. Outer Space”), a British comedy about an alien invasion that strikes a group of adorably British street toughs in South London (they make up for their lack of guns with rhyming slang).  Directed by Joe Cornish and executive produced by Edgar Wright, it’s been playing to rave reviews among film dorks and finally hits the US (in limited release) July 29th.  If you read my Super 8 review, you probably know that I’m not the best audience for cutesy kid humor and campy aliens (which fanboys love), but I am kind of gay for Edgar Wright and awesome sideways brohawk haircuts. The first time I called it that, someone told me it’s actually called a “Gumby,” but shut up, I like sideways brohawk better.

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Machete Maidens Unleashed is a documentary about the golden age of Filipino exploitation cinema from the 70s and 80s, director Mark Hartley’s follow up to Not Quite Hollywood. It’s set to hit DVD July 26th, and though I’ve posted the trailer before, this new, longer cut features perhaps the best line ever uttered by a trailer announcer:

“This is Mark F-Stop Fitzgerald. If his camera could talk, he’d be arrested for statutory rape.”

A glorification of illegal, underage porno that’s also a vague reference to The Great Gatsby?  I think I’m in love.  You can check out the trailer below, which I wouldn’t recommend if you’re at work, which also contains the line “I used to say I’d let you all pee in my face just to see where it came from, but hell, not anymore!”  Weird, that was always my grandfather’s favorite saying.  It also features a sassy black heroine tying a bad guy’s penis to a door knob and slamming it shut (“things were a little tense, but I think it came off all right,”), interviewees detailing how “stunt men” were basically poor people who were paid to take real beatings, and real corpses were used for special effects.  CGI, schmee gee eye, those were the days.  It once again proves that if Asia were high school, Japan would be the valedictorian, but The Philippines would throw the best parties.

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Ever since HBO’s Rome ended, I’ve had a pretty stiff nerd boner for seeing James Purefoy (who played homicidal ladies man Marc Antony) kill people with a sword.  In addition to Purefoy as one of the Knights Templar (my God, A Da Vinci Code parallel! Quick, call Tom Hanks’ hair!), Ironclad has Paul Giamatti (can I call you Pauly G?  let’s assume I can call you Pauly G) playing the evil King John, as well as Brian Cox, Bob Hoskins, and the late Peter Postlewaite. Holy hell, that is a cast made of dreams. With Pauly G and Brian C chewin’ scenery and swingin’ swords, how could you go wrong, right? The only thing that concerns me is the bro-rawk soundtrack playing over the top. You shouldn’t have to make a trailer about knights sword fighting seem MORE TOUGH. And that butt metal only makes a trailer seem more tough in the same way an Affliction shirt makes you better at fighting. Which is to say… IT TOTALLY WORKS! SUCK IT, BRO, I JUST ICED YOU.
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