Look, I’m as tired of all the John Travolta-is-gay jokes as the next guy, but look what they’re giving me to work with here.  In this new red-band clip from From Paris with Love, they’ve got him dressed up like some sort of bejeweled, gypsy pimp, and the first line is him leaving the bathroom, zipping up his fly, and asking Jonathan Rhys Meyers “Any backdoor action on this side?”

This could be awesome, I just hope they own the gay aspect.  After all, he’s playing an anti-terrorist agent. And who’d be more terrifying to a bunch of Islamic radicals than a big, tough, super-butch gay?  “72 virgins in paradise, huh?  Well I’m gonna make sure all you can do when you get there is curl up and cry while thinking about this epic ass-pounding I’m about to give you.  Now spread ‘em, haji.”

Yeah, that’d be pretty great.  *smokes cigar, leans back in chair*

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(OMG WHAT IS SHE DOING!??!)

As you may have noticed, occasionally I like to name my pictures things like AMANDA SEYFRIED NAKED! and MEGAN FOX UPSKIRT NIPSLIP DOGF*CKING!  Just so people can find them on Google, you see.  But I have to stretch the truth less with this new NSFW-ish French trailer for Chloe. It actually shows Amanda Seyfried’s butt, JULIANNE MOORE AND AMANDA SEYFRIED LESBIAN KISS, and at the 1:31, mark, a boob.  It’s supposed to be Amanda Seyfried’s, but her face isn’t in the shot, and I’ve always imagined her boobs to be perkier, and more covered with my furiously pawing hands.

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This is the red-band trailer for Repo Men, but be careful because it’s NSFW for swearing and bloody and boobs and stuff.  It has nothing to do with Alex Cox’s 1984 cult classic Repo Man, though Cox thinks Universal changed the title from Repossession Mambo to punish him for making a kind-of sequel without them.

Instead it tells of a near future when human life spans have been greatly extended by expensive artificial organs created by a company called The Union. When people fail to make their payments for a fancy new liver or other piece of their gut, a team of surgical operatives are sent out to reclaim The Union’s property. The film follows two of these guys, played by Jude Law and Forest Whitaker. [/Film]

If you thought that sounded familiar, check out the synopsis for Repo! The Genetic Opera from 2008:

Out of the tragedy, a savior emerges: GeneCo, a biotech company that offers organ transplants, for a price. Those who miss their payments are scheduled for repossession and hunted by villainous Repo Men.

I guess that’s not really a complaint, because once you remove Paris Hilton and awful goth music from the equation, I sort of forget what my objection was.  On another note, it looks like Forest Whitaker missed a few payments on that eye.  *tries to play rimshot, pokes self in eye with drumstick*

Oh man. After the jump, I’ve got the red-band trailer for Matthew Vaughn’s Kick-Ass, and I think I’m in love.  It features then 11-year-old Chloe Moretz as foul-mouthed Hit-Girl, who’s fond of using the F and C words.  Hey, I love the C word!  And 11-year-olds!

Kick-Ass tells the story of average teenager Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), a comic-book fanboy who decides to become a real-life superhero. He chooses a new name — Kick-Ass — assembles a suit and mask to wear, and gets to work fighting crime. There’s only one problem: Kick-Ass has no superpowers. His life changes forever as he inspires a subculture of copy cats, is hunted by assorted  unpleasant characters, and meets up with the Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and a pair of crazed vigilantes, including an 11-year-old sword-wielding dynamo, Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz) and her father, Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage). [IGN]

It also features her shooting bad guys through another bad guy’s mouth, severed limbs, and instead of a sh-tty rap rock soundtrack, we get The Dickies covering the Banana Splits theme.  See?  This is what happens when you don’t let a studio f-ck up your idea.  Nic Cage’s forehead skin even seems like it’s loosening to near-normal levels.  It’s a Christmas miracle!

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(It’s ironic that the spark factory is where dudes most often go shirtless)

I’m still convinced this film is going to blow massive yak nuts, but at least Ninja Assassin finally has a decent trailer.  It’s basically the male equivalent of Twilight.  Full of lame clichés and even sort of missing the whole point as to what it’s supposed to be about (confuses macho posturing for violence just like Twilight confuses melodrama with romance), at least this one focuses on the blood instead of the horrible plot.  Granted, the blood is CGI as are the weapons, but it does have a shirtless Asian guy in a spark factory and a chick getting chopped up and stuffed in washing machine.  Not exactly my fetish, but… I could ‘bate to it.

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