RADICAL!

Personally, I love sorority chicks. For one thing, they take pride in their physical appearances , and for another, they’re easily fooled (IMPORTANT QUALITIES). Yet still, a lot people ask me, “Vince, is there anyone more gullible and enthusiastic-to-a-fault than sorority chicks?” To which I would answer yes. Sorority chicks who volunteer for their school’s Panhellenic Council. It’s twice the responsibility of junior high student council with half the political power! Why not? Yay, it’ll be fun, break out the puffy paint! Anyway, just such a group of girls from the University of Alabama made a video for Rush Week, which you can watch below. It has pretty much everything I look for in a sorority recruitment video:

• Star wipes!
• Circle wipes!
• Grid wipes!
• Front-to-back wipes!
• Record scratch sound effects!
• Nice white girls in clumsy, exaggerated parody of rap culture!
• A call to action to “Go Greek!” (That’s slang for butt secks, tee hee!)
• White chicks with no rhythm!
• “Parents are missin’!”
• A Rebecca Black parody!
• Actual black parody!

I could go on, but suffice to say, it is magnificent. If you find Chet Haze videos not nearly uncomfortable enough, than this is the video for you. And there’s not a single minority! Not even an Asian! How is that even possible? This “University of Alabama…” are we sure it’s a college?

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If you were around here three years ago, you might remember a Russian, Zucker-Brothers-style historical spoof called Hitler Kaput, which, involved, among other things, a busty Eva Braun singing a Britney Spears song.  The Russian dramatic tradition is sort of the reverse of Elizabethan England in that way, in that all roles, both male and female, were traditionally portrayed by women with huge breasts, and men are only just now breaking into the business. I digress, but the makers of Hitler Kaput are back with Rzhevskiy vs. Napoleon, which Twitch is calling “Napoleon Kaput”, which is a lot easier to type. But would not a record scratch by any other name still sound as… uh… zany?  THIS MOVIE IS CRAMMED WITH THEM! Some of the other things the trailer for this incredible-looking film features:

• RECORD SCRATCH TO ZOOM SHOT at 0:11.  That’s comedy’s version of double pits to chesty.
• Giant-breasted woman in a top hat whipping a wooden horse
• Another giant-breasted woman rhythmically bouncing on something while Napoleon stares (0:18)
• Close-up of comically-round, stuffed butt of man dressed as woman
• MAN SHAVED AGAINST HIS WILL! (0:23)
• RECORD SCRATCH NUMBER 2! (0:25)
• RECORDS SCRATCH NUMBER 3! (0:39)
• Mouse beheaded by tiny guillotine (0:50)
• Van Damme finally shows up, fittingly accompanied by explosion. (1:01)
• RECORD SCRATCH NUMBER 4! (1:09)

FOUR RECORD SCRATCHES, AH! AH! AH!  If this many record scratches in a single trailer (a new record?) tells us anything, it’s that after years of state-enforced austerity, Russians are finally ready to embrace excess. I applaud them. (*hangs fuzzy dice from plow*)

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If you’ll remember, back in May I posted the above picture of 50 Cent looking like LL Cool J’s corpse after he’d lost 60 pounds for a movie role.  Must’ve been a pretty important role, right?  Turns out it was to play “a college running back with a fierce combination of blazing speed and stunning power” who is stricken with cancer. 50 stars in a Mario Van Peebles film called Things Fall Apart, and today we have the trailer, and it is the most shockingly record-scratch-free trailer I’ve ever seen. It begins with the voiceover line:

“Deon Barnes had it all….until LIFE got in the way.”

And then… NOTHING.  Do these people know NOTHING of movie trailers?  “Billy Squidbuckets was just your average every-day dude, until ONE DAY, (*RECORD SCRATCH*) a wise old badger changed EVERYTHING.”  THE RECORD SCRATCH IS THE KEY! THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW THERE’S A PLOT REVERSAL!  That’s how it’s been done since the beginning of time, probably!  It’s 50 Cent!  Playing a football player with cancer!  The record scratch should be the FIRST STEP! The first line of the shooting budget! Create a Kickstarter page if you have to! A 50 Cent movie with no record scratch? My God, it’s like everything I thought I knew about rap is wrong.

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Back in 2008, I posted some douchey phone messages (included after the jump) from guy calling himself Dmitri who demanded to know why a woman named Olga wasn’t calling him back, at one point wondering aloud “Maybe you were abused as a child, maybe your mother has cancer and you’re going to chemo…”

After that I sort of forgot about him, but it turns out that as much as he seems like a Sacha Baron Cohen character, he’s reportedly a real guy, a former Canadian doctor named James Sears whose license was revoked for sexual misconduct, who reinvented himself as a pick-up guru named Dmitri the Lover.  A documentary about this guy would probably be interesting, which is what this trailer seems to be for, but as far as anyone can tell, it comes from made-up film company put together by “Dmitri” himself.   I should also note that my original excuse for posting his phone messages was that he’d been calling himself a screenwriter.  [UPDATE: There's also this video from Bruno production manager Brad Goodman discussing his involvement in the Dmitri film.] Here’s one of the “testimonials” from his website:

“LOL! Incredible.  Now I know that you are an ignorant macho f-ck as my gut was telling me.  Incredible.  Don’t email me period.  You are a very disturbed f-cked up person.  GOOD RIDDANCE!” …Susan O.B., Man Hating C-nt, Likely Sexually Abused in Childhood.

The last line of the description for this trailer is “Do you feel that Dimitri’s famous “voicemail messages” are REAL or an ingenious MARKETING HOAX?”  So basically, he’s using the is-he-real hook to sell a movie, like meta marketing. Oh marketing.  How does it feel that nowadays when people meet an asshole, they have to stop and say, “Wait no, maybe he’s just a marketing genius.”

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Today’s forgotten classic is 2004′s Karate Dog, and it may be the best thing I’ve ever posted.  It’s a REAL FILM.  Called KARATE DOG.  And don’t worry about it departing too much from the Karate Kid mythology, because it also has Pat Morita, there to lend it credibility.  Pat Morita, Chevy Chase as the dog, and literally everything I’ve ever wanted in a movie:

• Dog in a fake mustache and glasses
• Dog driving a red convertible
• Dog listening to rock n’ roll in red convertible
• Dog feeding Simon Rex lines during his date with Jaime Pressly via radio (because the dog is cool, and knows all about what chicks like to hear, you see)
• REER!
• Doggy lounge band
• Doggy conga line
• Dogs playing poker
• Black dog scamming on some white bitches in a hot tub
• Dog scratching his OWN RECORDS

With all this and more packed into just two minutes of trailer, you might realistically wonder whether they ever actually show a dog doing karate.  DO THEY EVER.  And might I add, JON VOIGHT.  This movie makes my leg involuntarily kick the ground in pleasure.  The tragedy here is that this is probably the first and last time I’ll ever need a “Simon Rex” tag.

[Thanks to Patrick for the tip]