Warner Brothers recently announced that it will reboot Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the big screen, and that could possibly be cool if they did it right and I’m not going to waste anyone’s time – they’re not going to do it right. WB will move ahead on a new Buffy without Joss Whedon, who wrote the original 1992 movie and directed the TV series. Presumably nobody from the original movie or TV show will be involved, which is unfortunate because David Arquette is really looking for attention right now.

Writing this new version is actress Whit Anderson, and you may be asking, “Hey Burnsy, how did you get so handsome and who the F is Whit Anderson?” And my answers are noneyabiz and she’s someone whose IMDb credits include two short films and the role of “Yes Patron” in Yes Man. But she loved Buffy as a kid, so it’s totally going to be, like, totally OMG fine.

So what say you, Mr. Whedon, on this resurrection and slap in the face? (Via E! Online)

“This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths—just because they can’t think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my Avengers idea that I made up myself.”

I’ve never had two thoughts of an opinion about Joss, but just that initial response alone makes me want to buy the guy a Purple Haze and pose for funny Facebook photos with him. More of Whedon’s delightfully humorous response, as well as a look back at the faces (then and now) of this vampire franchise that paved the way for Twihards and their diabetes, after the jump…

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As I so brilliantly pointed out recently, Hollywood has slowly been destroying the awesomeness of vampire movies, with films like Dracula 2000, Queen of the Damned and Twilight mangling once terrifying characters. Perhaps one of the worst offenders of all-time was 2004’s Van Helsing, directed by the poop-smearing Stephen Sommers. Universal Pictures is moving forward with a new Van Helsing project, but this time it is thankfully being produced and written by Guillermo del Toro.

Having already directed the outstanding Cronos and decent enough Blade II, del Toro has his finger on the pulse (*bowtie spins*) of vampire action and his Van Helsing project is being referred to as an “action horror story.” It is uncertain if del Toro will also direct this adaptation, but compared to Sommers’ effort he could film two hours of this guy describing the plot of Once Bitten and he’d clean house at the Academy Awards.

I’ll let go of this wedgie if you let me bang your sister, Pajiba:

The bad news is this: Universal Pictures is developing another Van Helsing movie. However, it’s not a remake. It’s simply based upon the same fictional vampire hunter character from Bram Stoker’s Dracula, a great character who was, by all accounts, given an unfair shake in Stephen Sommers’ awful 2004 Van Helsing movie.

Del Toro, with Chuck Hogan, penned the vampire novel “The Strain” as the first in a trilogy and it was released last year to strong reviews. The story is similar in nature to “Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” in that it features a vampire hunter as the central character, much like Van Helsing. What it doesn’t feature is Dracula harvesting big booger sacks full of his babies, birthed by his obnoxious, screaming brides. Nor does it feature a craptastic Wolfman and sissy Frankenstein. I guess what I’m trying to say is it isn’t complete garbage like Sommers’ Van Helsing.

Of course, del Toro’s focus on this film means that The Hobbit is completely dead since MGM Studios is broke, causing del Toro to walk. But don’t worry, Sommers still has a second GI Joe and six other projects on the way, so yeah, life is fair.

The Fantastic Four movies are the perfect counterpoint to stuff like The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 2 in the argument over whether comic-book movies are good or bad.  What kind of idiots would want to reboot that mongoloid orgy, you ask?  Guess.  Go ahead.  Come on, if you’ve been reading this site longer than a day I’m sure you’ll get it.  That’s right, of course it’s Fox.  Says rumor source IESB:

The two films previously released never really caught on with the fans and the studio is reportedly looking to completely retool, recast and recrew the franchise.  The franchise is looking to be “less bubble gum” this time round following the Iron Man template, which was a complete success in reviews and box office take but a bit darker when it came to its superhero.

If Fox is doing it, expect the re-do to be just as bad as the do.  That is to say, more do-do.  (See what I did there?) If you don’t believe me, just take a look at a clip from Dragonball after the jump.  That’s a recent, comic-booky Fox project.  And yet, it looks like it was filmed in the 30s. In all seriousness, what the hell is going on at that company? They must spend their board meetings playing head’s up 7up.
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A “reboot” (that’s when they make, say, a Terminator movie whose plot ignores all previous Terminator movies) of Predator from Fox would normally sound like an awful idea, but the rumor is Robert Rodriguez is attached.  I’m not a huge Rodriguez fan, but if anyone could bring this project the proper level of ridiculousness, it’s him.

A reliable source dropped us a line revealing to us that Robert Rodriquez and his Troublemaker Studios will be producing the Predator reboot for 20th Century Fox. Now here’ the kicker, the pitch being sent around town implies that the reboot will have more than one predator. “In the reboot a team of commandoes face down a mysterious race of vicious monsters.” [B-D]

Hmm, it took Arnold Schwarzenegger to kill just one Predator, so by my count, to take down an army of them you’d need at least… three Jason Stathams. Come on, make it happen.  “Oi, if it bleeds, Oy kin take me shir’ off, now doesn’ Oy?”