Yes, it’s time to panic. Tucked into a news story about Clint Eastwood’s 18-year-old daughter Francesca appearing in a new video for professional starf*cker Tyler Shields, was this item:

The new shoot is a precursor to a new reality show which will feature Francesca, Clint’s wife Dina Eastwood, 46, and their 15-year-old daughter Morgan, Francesca’s half sister.
The show, which will feature on the E! Entertainment channel, is said to air later this year and will be produced by the production company behind the Kardashian reality shows [Bunim-Murray, who also make The Real World and Bad Girls, among other things].
According to reports, Clint, 81, will be making cameo appearances in the programme. [DailyMail]

That’s right, the father of cinematic badassery will be making cameo appearances in a reality show about his fame-whoring wife and daughters on the network that brings you breathless reports on the latest haircolor of the family of a chick famous for making a sex tape with a d-list pop star (the scary thing is that sentence could’ve gone on even longer). The only thing that could make this okay is if he actually does bust out his M-1 rifle, shoot the entire crew, and feed them to his pet squirrel. (A scenario eerily predicted earlier this week by commenter Jersey Devil).

Dammit, Clint. You’re supposed to grind your teeth and growl angrily about stuff like this, not participate in it.

This month, Darren Aronofsky will be heading the jury at the Margaret Mead Film Festival, judging seven documentary filmmakers vying for the Margaret Mead Filmmaker Award. He recently sat down for an interview the New York Times’ Arts Beat, and of course he talked about art and going to Harvard and the state of documentary today, but the important thing is that I cherry-picked some out-of-context quotes to fit the fictional persona I’ve created for him based on the banner picture: DARREN ARONOFSKY: Tribeca’s gabbyest soccer mom.

ARONOFSKY: Reality television is an extension of documentary as well, and that’s taken over TV. From “Cops” to “Storage Wars,” it’s basically that. It’s hard to make narrative that rings really truthful. And now dramatic, independent films are really disappearing and dying, and most narrative films are these real high-end fantasy superhero films that don’t exist.  There’s something amazing about seeing real people in real, dramatic situations. And that can be “I Used to Be Fat,” [laughs] which is a great, great, great show.

NYT: I’m sure MTV will be thrilled to have your endorsement.

I’m a big fan of it. They have all these shows on MTV now, you can’t keep your eyes off them. It just all comes out of that. [...] I saw the George Harrison film [directed by Martin Scorsese] which was fantastic, but I’m not interested in the found-footage, talking-head type of documentary. My taste was always with the vérité. The Kardashian form of documentary.

“Oh em gee, girl! I’m totes all about I Used to be Fat and Keeping Up with the Kardashians! Sometimes I’ll just be so wiped from pilates that all I want to do is just, like, VEG OUT in front the Real Housewives and eat like a billion pounds of Pink Berry. That Camille is such. a bitch. Ooh, I’m so bad! ANYWAYS, gotta go, girl, love your body (*kiss sound*).”

^{“This next song is dedicated to the panties I found stuck under my left manboob last Thursday.”}

Mere weeks after I publicly demanded a Steven Seagal reality show, A&E has risen to the challenge.  From the press release:

Hollywood action man Steven Seagal is to take part in a new reality series which will chronicle his little-known role as a police officer in Louisiana.

The Under Siege star has been a fully commissioned deputy at the state’s Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office for the last 20 years.

As well as going out on patrol, Seagal is said to be an expert marksman, working with the force’s Swat team, and has instructed officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat.

The new show, which has been commissioned by America’s A+E network, will be titled Steven Seagal: Lawman and will follow the actor as he fights crime in Louisiana.

That’s right, the Louisiana SWAT team is taking advice from a guy who nearly walked out of an appearance at Best Buy because the lights were too bright.  I can’t wait for his first lecture, Chasing After People: How Far is Too Far? Subtopics will include: Catching Your Breath, Dealing With a Hangover, Adding Holes to Your Gun Belt, and How a Grimace Can be Your Best Weapon.

Also: I hope one of the episodes involves catching this lovable scamp.

[Thanks to Jessica for the tip - Photo Source]

More Jackie Chan end credit goodness here

Jackie Chan is searching for his own successor on the Chinese reality show, Jackie Chan's Disciples.  

Rather than a stuntman, perhaps he should be searching for an English tutor.  Guy's been making English films for like 20 years now and his English is still no better than my Chinese delivery boy.  Seriously dude, what the fuck is a "gratuiry"? 

But English skills aside, the man's a true hero.  Courageously risking life and limb just to bring us cheap entertainment.  He's a role model to 10-year-old girls all over China, bravely making sneakers while standing waist deep in poison.  The poison makes them shiny!

[via Filmstalker]