13 is a remake of the 2005 Georgian movie (red menace not red necks) 13 Tzameti, which takes the novel step of  bringing in the original director (Géla Babluani) to do the English language version. Long story short, it’s about competitive Russian Roulette, and seems to have been cast like a younger, hipper Expendables. There’s Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, 50 Cent, UFC fighters Forrest Griffin and Don Frye (the Magnum PI of MMA), HBO dreamboats Alexander Skååårsgaåaååaaård and Michael Shannon, and Motherf*ckin’ Ray Winstone (his full name). But enough from me, let’s hear what The Stath has to say.

Oi, conts, it’s Da Stafe heah, isn’ Oy. As you kin see, Da Stafe stahs in dis new fiwm Firteen, which is about Russian Roullette or some bollocks. Sahdly, I don’ get ta kiw conts wiv a chair loike oy did in dat ovva movie. But it did give me do oppahtoonity ta weah a ravva fetching bowlah cap, innit. Whoy, Oy I fink Oy look propah sophistica’ed, don’ Oy, Tommy? Anyway, dis fiwm weren’t much of a stretch for da Stafe, because whoilst Da Stafe don’ normly play a lot of Russian Roullette, sometoimes Oy DO loike ta play a littew gaime Oy loike ta caw ‘Chatsworff roulette,’ where Da Stafe goes ta da focken Playboy Mansion, frows a point glahss inta da crowd, an’ den oy ‘as ta knob whicheva bird it ‘its, now ‘asn’t Oy. Sometoimes da birds come up and dey’s loike, “Oy, Stafe, whoy ‘as you ‘it me in da ‘ead wiff diss wew ‘eavy focken point glahss?” An’ den Oy is loike, “Wew, dahlin, if Da Stafe’s wew ‘eavy focken point glahss ‘adn’t ‘it yew in da skull, ‘ow would Da Stafe know dat you is da bird da Stafe is supposed to knob tonoight?’ An’ since dat is obviously a wew romantic fing ta say to a bird, aftah dat we usually knob in da back of moy sazz wagon. Moral a da story is, bein’ Da Stafe ain’t too focken bad, is it, Tommy.

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The international trailer for The Mechanic, starring Jason Statham in a remake of the 1972 Charles Bronson film, hit yesterday.  I wasn’t going to post it, because I thought I already had.  My mistake.  That was Blitz, this is The Mechanic.  Statham plays a hit man who teaches the hit man game to his young protege, Ben Foster.  The remake comes from Con Air director Simon West, so… you know… there’s that. I guess the bunny’s out of the box.

Said The Stath, when reached for comment, “Lately it seems loike Da Stafe is so busy, Oy ‘ardly ‘ave toime for knobbin’ fit birds!  Oy’s kiddin.  A course Oy’s knobbin birds.  Roight.  So in dis fiwm, dey caw Da Stafe ‘da mechanic,’ probably cos Oy’s always fixin’ fings. An also cos Oy’s always frowin a big fockin bloody wrench inta conts’ plans, now isn’ Oy.  When dey asked me ta do it, oy fought ta meself, ‘Oy. Stafe. Oo bettah ta troy an’ emulate den Mistah Chahles Bronson, da cont oo wiz knobbin’ birds an’ chewin’ da gyppo at age foive?‘  Da ovva fing dat appeawed ta me about it wiz dat dey told me Oy’d get ta stab some puntah inda leg wiff a speah, somefin’ Oy ‘as been on about since da Transporterah paht free.  So Oy told ‘em Da Stafe would do it, so long as oy got ta say,  ‘An dis toim… it’s personal, innit.’  Pretty flash, hey?  Da Stafe is a pushovah when it comes to clevah doyalogue.”

To complicate matters further, the trailer for 13 also hit today, and that stars Statham opposite Ray Winstone, Mickey Rourke, and 50 Cent, in a film about competitive Russian roulette.  …Yeah.

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This is the trailer for London Boulevard, the directorial debut of Departed screenwriter William Monahan (who also wrote Body of Lies and Kingdom of Heaven) starring Colin Farrell and Keira Knightley.  Between the Clash soundtrack and the fancy typography, it certainly looks Guy Ritchie-y.  I miss Colin Farrell’s Irish accent, which makes every line at least 50% funnier, but I was onboard until the money line:

“If I fell in love with you, what would you do about it?”

“Everything.”

Ray Winstone is in this too, but after that exchange, I couldn’t help picturing every character as Autofellatio Walrus.

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This is the trailer for 44-Inch Chest, which sadly isn’t about boobs, but somehow still sounds really awesome. Says Twitch:

What happens when the writers of hard edged British gangster picture Sexy Beast tackle family drama?  You get 44 Inch Chest, a story of marital infidelity that takes a decidedly dark and nasty turn.  Ray Winstone, Ian McShane, John Hurt and Tom Wilkinson star in what must surely be one of the best acted, most incredibly sweary films to come out of the UK in years.

Jesus, I love those actors, it’s like a who’s who of badasses.  Aside from James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman, does anyone have a cooler voice than Ray Winstone?  If Morgan Freeman is sexual chocolate, Ray Winstone is the persuasive sound of all my negative impulses.  “Oi, ‘ave anuvva drink, ya cunt.  ‘as you gone soft?  Oy fink dat mailbox wiz givin you da stink oy. You fink da bounsah wants to ‘ave a go? ‘e’s big but oy reckon ‘e’s nuffin specio.”

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(“…what I do have is a particular set of skills.  I will find Jew, and I will kill Jew.”)

That’s right, ya fackin’ losahs, it’s time fer anothah fackin’ Bawston cawp movie. This the first trailer for Edge of Darkness, from Casino Royale director Martin Campbell, written by William Monahan (The Depahted) and Andrew Bovell.  Based on a BBC television series from 1985, it stars Mel Gibson and Ray Winstone, who took over for Robert DeNiro, who left during the shooting because of “creative differences.”

As homicide detective Thomas Craven investigates the death of his activist daughter, he uncovers not only her secret life, but a corporate cover-up and government collusion that attracts an agent [Winstone] tasked with cleaning up the evidence.

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