"IT'S CALLED A GAT!"

Last we heard about Channing Tatum’s upcoming The Son of No One, it was met with crappy reviews at Sundance, but that wasn’t going to stop our good friend C-Tates from becoming the hardest twerkin’ playa in da Hollyweird game. Sure, the movie still doesn’t have a release date in the U.S. and it is set to be released on DVD in Brazil in October, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily doomed.

At least it’s not stopping the studios from releasing a new HD trailer to try and change our minds. Granted, this trailer isn’t much different from the first one, and I’m pretty sure if you watch them both back-to-back you’ll figure out the entire plot, but that shouldn’t take away from the pure joy of experiencing a C-Tates joint. Besides, if you can’t at least giggle at the idea of Tatum’s character being named White, then I just can’t be friends with you anymore.

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"TURN IT SIDEWAYS!"

Troubling news out of Sundance today, friends. It seems that Channing Tatum’s film The Son of No One has been met with less than stellar reviews. In fact, people walked out of its very important screening, including a number of studio execs. There’s just no respek in this Hollywood game these days.

The film, about a young cop (Tatum) who finds himself embroiled in controversy that could tear his family apart, features heavy star power, including Ray Liotta, Al Pacino, Katie Holmes and Tracy Morgan, which indicates that there should still be a demanding market for Son, despite people crapping all over it yesterday.

C-walk out of my theater, Hollywood Reporter…

Though the theater wasn’t full, the room was crowded with acquisitions execs wanting an early look at the film. Reps from Samuel Goldwyn, Paramount, Summit, the Weinstein Co., Sony Pictures Worldwide Acquisitions Group, IFC Films, Morgan Creek, Screen Media, Miramax and Relativity made it into the theater by the film’s opening credits.

Some of them, however, were gone well before the end credits. In addition, enough regular audience members left early for one observer to describe it as an “exodus.”

Baloney. Pure baloney. I’m so angry right now that I could just cuss. But I won’t because I know that this movie is going to be a success. Even worse, I’m going to have to explain this to my good friend C-Tates, because he actually sent me this link with the following message:

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH BOYYYYYYYYY, C-TATES IS DA MUTHA F*CKIN’ BOMB, YO!”

Poor guy. At least the poster lists some of the more positive reviews…

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This past week marked the 20th anniversary of the release of Goodfellas, and to mark the occasion, GQ put together an awesome oral history of the film cobbled together from interviews with the stars, cast, and crew.  Being the good Italian that I am, I read the entire thing while grabbing my crotch and stirring the Sunday gravy.  My girlfriend tried to put too many onions in there, so I yelled “Wassa matta wit you!” and slapped her upside the head.

Anyway, I urge you to read the whole thing, but here are some highlights:

Madonna almost played Henry Hill’s wife.

Producer Irwin Winkler says “Tom Cruise was discussed” to play the lead (among others).

“Ray Liotta: All I heard was that the studio wanted somebody else—’What about this?’ ‘What about Eddie Murphy?’”

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Do not adjust your monitors, that’s not Photoshop.  50 Cent actually did lose almost 60 pounds for a movie role.  Apparently no one told him that in order to play a cancer patient, one need not actually contract cancer.

50 Cent lost a lot of weight for his upcoming movie “Things Fall Apart”. In the movie 50 Cent plays a football player diagnosed with cancer. [Co-starring Ray Liotta, Directed by Mario van Peebles]
He dropped from 214 pounds to an astonishing 160 with a liquid diet and three-hour-a-day treadmill walks for nine weeks. [Thisis50]

When Jay Leno saw this picture, he turned to Kevin Eubanks and said, “He might have to change his name to 36 pennies,” at which point Eubanks finally snapped and stabbed him in the heart.

Christian Bale is not impressed

I always found Tim Allen to be that sort of boring, not-really-funny comedian who doesn’t even have the decency to suck enough to inspire true hate like Larry the Cable Guy, but who’s just popular enough to hang around the periphery of pop culture for GD ever. I hated Home Improvement when I was still young enough to love Steven Seagal movies unironically, which shows you how much that show sucked.  And that’s why it was with fear and trepidation in my heart that I watched the trailer for Allen’s directorial debut, Crazy on the Outside. He went to prison and everyone thinks he’s been in France, you see.

Yet again, even in the realm of sucking, Tim Allen is nothing but a disappointment.  With nary a record scratch, a nutshot, or an embarrassing meeting with an Asian businessman to be found, the sad truth is that this looks about 75% better than most Tim Allen movies.  Of course, anything that didn’t involve him rapping, switching bodies with an animal, or turning into a mythical creature would’ve accomplished that.  Thus, it’s not even fun to ridicule. Tim Allen’s suck is so powerful, he’s not even sucky enough to make making fun of him fun.  At least he’s consistent.  Because when you think mild dissatisfaction, think Tim Allen, the Miller Lite of movies.