My God, is that an AK-47-toting Viking riding a rainbow-sh*tting unicorn into outer space?  F*ck me in the turd button, that is nothing short of magnificent.  Hell, I’d let this guy molest me. |Source|

MORNING LINKS

YO, SAN FRANCISCO!  I’m doing some stand-up tonight at 10 at the Purple Onion. Sorry, I suppose that’s no reason to shout. No, I did not make that flyer. |flyer|

11 Diabolical Plans Discovered On Osama Bin Laden’s Hard Drives. |Uproxx|

The Ten Best TV Episodes of the 2010-11 Season. |WarmingGlow|

Random Netflix: The “Worse Than Tyler Perry” Edition. |TSS|

A Gallery of Batmen Getting Arrested. |GammaSquad|

Calvin & Hobbes: The Next Generation |Buzzfeed|

Poor 15-year-old finds $15,000, donates it to charity. |TheDailyWhat|

Court upholds sports fans right to flip the bird.  That’s right “flip”. “Flick” is what morons say. |BostonStool|

Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Man. I can’t wait to continue not watching this. |TheSuperficial|

GED classroom fights are better than other classroom fights. |NYCStool|

Major League Baseballs eight biggest dippers. |Clutch|

Levi Johnson’s rejected book titles. |HolyTaco|

10 strange but real sports you haven’t heard of. |Guyism|

Bin Laden emailed everyone via flash drives, couriers, and internet cafes.  Probably that “hugging lion” video. |Fark|

David Hasselhoff joins cast of Piranha 3DD, probably doesn’t realize it’s a joke. |ScreenJunkies|

A Gallery of MMO Players in Game and in Life. |UnrealityMag|

NOMINATE FOR COMMENTS OF THE WEEK. THE FROTCAST (OUR PODCAST) ON iTUNES. FILMDRUNK ON FACEBOOK. FILMDRUNK ON TWITTER.

Get out of my dreeeeaams... And into to my vaaaaaaan....

I took this myself in San Francisco yesterday.  I wonder what kind of “spiritual counseling” goes on there.  I bet it’s very hands-on. Just as an aside, it was filled with black trash bags.

MORNING LINKS

“Bieber-impersonating porn dude will jack it for you if you buy him stuff on Amazon.” |Uproxx|

Of COURSE China built a sperm-collecting machine. So did the US, ours is called “Paris Hilton.” |GammaSquad|

Chuck Lorre is rebooting Two and a Half Men.  Of course he is. |WarmingGlow|

Video of a figure skater breaking his nose. |WithLeather|

Check out our Koi-related prank calls on this week’s Frotcast, including “Koi Skin Vest” and “Otter Car.” |Frotcast|

The KSK draft day mailbag. |KissingSuzyKolber|

Propaganda posters for the modern workplace. |TheDailyWhat|

“Gloria Allred demonstrates gay anal sex.” |BostonStool|

40 busty British babes Prince William should’ve married. |BroBible|

Here’s a Royal Wedding drinking game, which you can play if you’re not already playing my “chug if you don’t give a f*ck about the royal wedding” game. |Buzzfeed|

The 15 most badass baldies in film. |NextMovie|

Here’s Olivia Munn eating Carl’s Jr. in a bikini. |WWTDD|

January Jones is pregnant.  Oh boy, I can’t wait for her boobs to get bigger! |TheSuperficial|

Memoir of a child after bring your child to work today. |HolyTaco|

Pick a godd*mn release date, Apollo 18. |ScreenJunkies|

Don’t forget, LA people, tonight is Horrible Movie Night. |HMN|

Are you a lady, a S, 2X or 3X? BUY A FILMDRUNK SHIRT! Those Ls and XLs will thank you when I can print more. |FilmDrunkShirts|

NOMINATE FOR COMMENTS OF THE WEEK. BUY FILMDRUNK SHIRTS. THE FROTCAST (OUR PODCAST) ON iTUNES. FILMDRUNK ON FACEBOOK. FILMDRUNK ON TWITTER.

Sent in by reader Clint, here’s your daily rape van.  Dude… is that a pterodactyl?  That is so righteous.  Forget Charlie Sheen, this guy is the real warlock.  10 bucks he’s got a couple Ren Faire wenches in back of there right now who he calls “the goddesses.”  At least for the next few hours before he rolls his castle to the next realm, if you dig.

MORNING LINKS

Lost And Found: 50 Of The Internet’s Greatest Missing Posters. |Uproxx|

Insane movie posters from Africa, the mega gallery. |FilmDrunk|

10 seriously disturbing pieces of TV fan fiction. |WarmingGlow|

A Guide To Recognizing Your Mascots. |WithLeather|

How humans lost our penis spikes, and other depressing stories of evolution. |HolyTaco|

Unfunny USC douche sends unfunny email to frat bros, humorless bitches pissed about it. |BostonBarstoolSports|

PICTURED: I like this girl’s shirt.  Hey, is that the smiley face guy? |via HolyTac|

The 15 sexiest topless TV scenes. |ScreenJunkies|

A collection of badass MMA knockout gifs. |Clutch|

Fat dude vs. Dog cage: Who ya got? |GorillaMask|

Hey, Communism, how have you been lately? |Uproxx|

Staring at breasts makes you healthier. |Buzzfeed|

David Lynch Launches Music Web Store. |Moviefone|

Charlie Sheen might be broke. |WWTDD|

Mel Gibson cuts plea deal to avoid jail time.  Did the deal include a blow job?  It better have included a blow job. |TheSuperficial|

OUR LATEST FROTCAST FilmDrunk on Facebook. FilmDrunk on Twitter. The Frotcast on iTunes. Comments of the week. FilmDrunk Shirts

FilmDrunkard Katie sent me this picture, and as the internet’s number one source for rape van news,  it had to go up. Some might say you don’t need a crappy van to rape Van Halen, just Sammy Hagar.  Ironically, neither can drive 55.  (via TBPDesigns)

MORNING LINKS!

• Burnsy rounds up your college-related news.  Your mom goes to college. |UproxxNews|

• Do you remember the time Zack Morris stole Kevin Arnold’s girlfriend on Wonder Years?  It happened, and here’s video proof. |WarmingGlow|

• Some guy builds a power loader from Alien in his back yard. BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME, LINDA, THAT’S WHY, NOW GO BACK IN THE HOUSE. |GammaSquad|

• The drunk football fans of the week. |WithLeather|

• A chauvinist deconstructs Cosmo’s “Own His Orgasm.” |TheSmokingJacket|

• Why aren’t they making movies about Myspace, wonders Tom from Myspace. |HolyTaco|

• Sexy new sex fetish: getting vacuumed into your latex-suit bed. |G4|

• Screenjunkies interviews the Blank My Dad Says cast.  Apparently Will Sasso never learned to read.  That’s what I heard.|ScreenJunkies|

• Colombian police arrest a parrot for being a drug lookout.  What’s next, Mexicans arrest a donkey for being too stubborn?  Ay dios mio! |NYCBarstoolSports|

• Lone Star is supposedly so good that in a year, you may be sad about its inevitable cancellation. |NERDS!|

• Things Dr. Doom would say on a unicorn. |ToplessRobot|

• The interactive Street Fighter world map. |UnrealityMag|

You know, I was content to just make jokes about this clown and his terrifying rape van based on the pictures alone, but you meddlin’ commenters had to keep digging.  I could’ve done without this information, but we now know that the rape clown’s name is “Extremo the Clown”, he lives in Portland, he paints windows for a living, and he writes a blog.  It makes sense that the clown would write a blog, because I write a blog, and I was voted “Class Clown” in high school.  Also, I rape kids.

According to the blog, he’s also a bit of an artist:

After I got home I went out into my studio. I am finishing up a piece for a show in Atlanta, Georgia. It’s for a group exhibit with a bedtime stories theme. Here is the poem to my piece which is a latex casting from an original sculpture.

PADDYCAKE PADDYCAKE NIGHTMARE CLOWN
UNDER THE BED AS YOU LAY DOWN
HE LIES SO QUIET HE TASTES YOUR FEAR
IS THIS THE NIGHT HE WILL APPEAR?

Delightful.  This guy could make a car full of juggalos and carnies lock their doors. This is what happens when you get molested by foot fetishists at asthma camp.

[blame Watanabex and TuckerBillings for digging this up]