Why are all the extras pooping in their pants?

We’re getting closer to Christmas, and Hollywood has something for everyone to stuff in their stocking this week, assuming everyone wants The Bourne Legacy, Ted, or Ice Age: Continental Drift. If those titles don’t get you excited, there are plenty of other options that didn’t get the theatrical releases those films did.  We’ve got flicks with Jesse Eisenberg and James Van Der Beek.  We’ve got films about child sex-slaves and shaving and puppeteers.  There’s bigfoots and zombies and hipsters and hobbits.  There’s even a film so FilmDrunk-approved, its theatrical run was literally presented by FilmDrunk.

The DVDs:
The Bourne Legacy
Ted
Ice Age: Continental Drift
Why Stop Now
Backwards
Miami Connection
Trade Of Innocents
Mansome
Rehearsal For A Sicilian Tragedy
Dreams Of A Life
Insane Clown Posse & Twiztid’s American Psycho Tour Documentary
Night Claws
The Life Zone
Upon A Midnight Clear
Nesting
Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same
Age Of The Hobbits
Osombie
Creep Van
Halloween Party

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Can’t remember which flick has FilmDrunk’s coveted blessing?  Continue reading to find out.  Want to find out if the film about child sex-slaves and the film about puppeteers is the same film?  Continue reading. Want to know which films I fairly arbitrarily suggest you watch on Netflix?  Click the streaming link above, but be aware: one of this week’s DVDs is targeted at Juggalos, and you won’t know which one it is unless you continue reading without skipping right to the last page. Read the rest of this entry »

Covered in rust? Check. Primer-colored? Check. Shocks worn out in the back? Check. Parked at a strip mall? You bet. Really, the only thing non-rapey about this van is the abundance of windows, but I think the matte finish more than makes up for it. The flatter the finish, the rapier the van, I always say. Oh but what’s that? It also belongs to a clown? That’s right, this clown even has a website, that’s his her picture below on the right (Update: The phone numbers don’t match up. Maybe they’re different clowns?). Look, I’m not saying this rusty-van driving clown actually rapes people, I’m just saying she scares the hell out of me. How ironic that a clown named “Rainbow” would be driving a van with no paint on it. [via DangerousMinds, thanks to Tehvault from Argentina for the tip]

MORNING CLOWN LINKS
Is Vanilla Ice rapping with a small child the song of the summer? Find out on this week’s Frotcast. |Frotcast|

A Brief History of Gambling on TV Shows|Warming Glow|

Internet Explorer Users Dumber Than Non-Internet Explorer Users, Says Science |UPROXX|

Kristin Cavallari Says Jay Cutler Faked It |With Leather|

A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay: Avengers Edition |Gamma Squad|

Jay-Z and Timbaland Sued for $5 Million for Big Pimpin’ Sample |Smoking Section|

VANDELAY INDUSTRIES! Take the George Costanza job quiz. |MentalFloss|

Hollywood’s Worst Man-Do Mistakes |Pajiba|

10 Undeniably Nerdy Burger King Kids Meal Toy Sets |Topless Robot|

A four-minute long absurdist short film about Old Spice. |Videogum|

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are through beefin’. I feel like I should turn this into a vagina joke somehow, but I lack the energy. |TheSuperficial|

Leanna has fake boobs and a big gun. |GorillaMask|

Your Australian news highlight of the day: Amy Parks comes to you live from Amy Park. |TheDailyWhat|

Kitty intercepts snowball. |Buzzfeed|

Opie & Anthony’s favorite YouTube videos. |DAPS|

Meet the man who slashes women’s butts in retail stores. |HolyTaco|

Check out Fat Mac in the new It’s Always Sunny trailer. |ScreenJunkies|

Follow me on Twitter. Fan us on Facebook. Subscribe to the Frotcast. NOMINATE FOR COMMENTS OF THE WEEK.

A well-endowed adult film actor best known for having sex with women in the back of moving vehicles, was arrested and charged with 22 counts of animal cruelty this week. I say it’s about time, he’d been beating up the pussy for years! (*tap dances off stage, slips in puddle of semen*)

Police were called to the scene at 37th Avenue and 7th in Miami Monday, after witnesses said they heard the sound of a child crying coming from inside a van parked there (the sound you expect to hear coming from a parked van, basically). Instead, inside the van, which belonged to Raul Armenteros, 46, aka Ramon from BangBus, who has a dong the size of my forearm not that I would know, police say they found “8 roosters, 4 guinea hens, 4 pigeons, 4 goats and 1 duck.” Which can mean only one thing: somewhere in Miami, there’s a man with two turtle doves in his ass.

Police found four goats “tied up inside plastic bags” with one of the goats dead. About 45 minutes later, Armenteros and James Arroyo, 44, arrived on the scene and both said they owned the animals.
Police charged Armenteros and Arroyo with 22 counts of animal cruelty. The two men [are being] held in Miami-Dade County Jail on $110,000 bond each.
Animal control responded and recovered the animals. [CBSMiami]

“But I’m not a baaaad man,” the goat killer assured the police. (I’m sorry for that). Anyway, I say we let these guys go if they just tell us what they were planning to do with all those animals, and provide the phone number of the open-minded lady they were planning to do it with. Then we cook up the goat and have a party. I mean, I get the feeling Ramon’s no stranger to a spit roast, ifyaknowwhatamsayinandIthinkyado. (*cough*) TALK ABOUT A HEAVY PETTING ZOO! (*cough, cough*) Fine, fine, I was already leaving.

I sure hope this porn star GETS OFF! (*caught in butterfly net*) (*dragged away kicking and shouting by men in black suits*) It’s always nice to see someone BLEATING THE SYSTEM! (*gag stuffed in mouth*) mmmmff! mmmmfff! mrrrphhh! (*thrown in back of van, van speeds away*)

WE HAVE DISCOVERED AN ANCIENT CACHE OF SEVENTIES SOFTCORE PORN PHOTOS TAKEN BY A VAN DRIVER. TODAY IS A GREAT DAY.

For today’s Friday Free for All, our regularly-scheduled, non-movie-related digression, an effusive thanks goes out to UptownAlmanac for their recent, incredible investigative work on one of our favorite topics, Rape Vans. They recently discovered in San Francisco the above van, which fits our definition of “Rape Van” on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin (windowless, covered in rust, parked on the street…).  But here’s where it gets A THOUSAND TIMES BETTER. This Rape Van driver has a website.  And this Rape Van driver looks like this:

I. Want. To be married in that vest.  I want to be BURIED in that vest. Or stuffed in it and paraded before future generations as a symbol of pride.  But I don’t even have TIME to discuss how awesome Larry Jamison’s outfit is, because this story too quickly gets EVEN BETTER. Did I mention Larry Jamison’s website is dedicated to his photography?  Did I mention that Larry Jamison’s website has a section called “Boudoir”?  Is there ANY word in the English language more rapey-sounding than BOUDOIR?  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  These pictures… they simply must be seen.  (*crosses self, says 10 Hail Maries, thanks Gods for whatever I did to deserve this*)

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The other day after posting my most recent rape van submission (as the internet’s number one destination for vannin’ and rape-van related van pictures, it happens all the time), a friend asked, “Wait, is every van a rape van?”

I believe this to be one of the most important questions we face today.  Is simply being a van enough?  Everyone understands vans to be the rapiest of vehicles (except for the owner of the above van, who still disputes this conclusion), like non-commercial incarnations of semi tractor trailer cabs. But are they all rapey?  The easy answer is that some are more rapey than others.  A Mazda MPV, for instance, is not very rapey, due in no small part to the abundance of windows.  However, there exists no one perfect equation that can accurately determine the rapeyness of a particular van.  Like the Supreme Court justice famously said of obscenity, “I can’t tell you what it is, but I know it when I see it.”  The same is true of Rape Vans.  So come with me, as we explore just what makes a van rapey or righteous.

Read the rest of this entry »