You know, I have to hand it to Andy Milonakis.  It’s easy to like someone like Bo Burnham, because he’s all like, “Hi! I’m the precocious, multi-talented boy next door!”  Meanwhile, Andy Milonakis always gets an A+ in not giving a f*ck.  “Yeah, I’m a borderline psychotic genetic anomaly, what’s up now? I bet you’d love if it I did nice jokes and made sense, wouldn’t you, Bill H. Conformist.  Instead I wrote a Jamaican rap about zombies and eating pussy, here it go…” Seriously though, try not to laugh at the “I suck pussy on R train” line. Impossible.

I wonder what it’d be like to be 33 and look 15. I think if I were him, I’d slim down and try to bang 15-year-olds. It’s the American dream.

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Having already signed on for a full-length documentary, Joaquin Phoenix can’t just come out and say his rap career is a hoax, even though it clearly is.

After video hit the Internet last month capturing part of Phoenix’s debut rap performance at a Las Vegas club, speculation swirled that he was perpetrating an elaborate practical joke.
“I don’t know where that comes from,” Phoenix said. “If it comes from people that I’ve had a falling out with, that are (ticked) off at me?”
“There’s not a hoax,” Phoenix said. “Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that’s possible, but that’s certainly not my intention.”
Phoenix’s friend and brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, was on hand with a camera crew as he did interviews for “Two Lovers.” Affleck said his friend is completely serious.
“It sucks that, yeah, the footage is out there as like this incredibly bad sound, and you literally can’t hear what’s happening,” said Phoenix, who still has his bushy beard. “It was much better in the club, and I don’t know who said that people were booing … because that was not happening.
“Unless, of course, it’s a pretty big place, and maybe it was happening,” Phoenix added, laughing. “But it was not my experience. My experience afterward was I had a lot of dudes come up and say, `We really respect you for doing it, putting yourself out there, and going with it.’ Because I think true hip-hop heads know that it’s hard, it’s going to be a hard transition, and people are going to be lining up just to make fun of me.” [Yahoo]

So… anyone buying this, or should we go back to making Christian Bale remixes now?  Sorry Joaquin, but coming out with the tag still on your shirt might have been overselling it just a bit.

^{Joaquin Phoenix and the backwards B girl had a baby, and they named it Neveah.}

The trades are reporting today that Casey Affleck’s next project will be directing a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix’s “music career.”  This whole thing sounds a little bit fishy, because if you’ll remember, Casey Affleck was standing next to Joaquin during Joaquin’s original retirement announcement (video of that here), and was the one who had to explain that Slurry McPainkillers was planning to focus on music after he stormed off.  Oh but wait, it gets weirder:

Phoenix is embarking on a new path as a rapper, with an album to be produced by Sean Combs. He is scheduled to make his first public performance Friday at a Las Vegas club, which will officially kick off Affleck’s shoot.

I just checked my calendar and it’s not April 1st.  Are they serious?  And by that I mean, is he joquin?  Or is this simply a product of jealousy of rappers-turned-actors combined with dyslexia?  My guess is that it’s some kind of elaborate publicity stunt and they’re planning to punk the media with some nonsensical performance art that only actors will understand.

UPDATE: TMZ apparently has video of Joaquin doin’ his thang.  And by ‘doin’ his thang’, I mean slurring unintelligibly and looking like a homeless person – but this time over a drum beat!

This video was on GorillaMask a few days ago, and I should be flogged and ridiculed for missing it.  It’s a six-minute rap song about Predator, and it’s worth watching every second. 

Puts my 27 Dresses ballad to shame, that’s for sure. 

[Thanks to champion fartist BDarbs for the reminder] 

Apparently this is from Teen Witch.  Skip the first 30 seconds or so and go straight to the rapping.  I'm at a loss for words on this one.