Looks like someone kept it a little too real. [via Kontraband, thanks for the tip, Pauly]

MORNING LINKS

Facebook Fail-Log Special Edition: Dateline Japan. |Uproxx|

Team Rocket In Real Life: The Dead On Cosplay Photography of Malro-Doll. |GammaSquad|

Feature: The Worst of Hollywood Shorthand. |FilmDrunk|

“Adult babies” are pret-tay, pret-tay weird. |WarmingGlow|

Best Of The 2011 Pole Dancing Championship. |WithLeather|

LOLNFL: The NFL Draft (Part 1). |KSK|

10 Incredibly Minor But Hilarious Mighty Boosh Characters. |ToplessRobot|

PICTURED: Rebecca Black’s “Friday” as a flow chart. |thanks, Scott, via LifeHacker|

Guy on the subway tries to start “USA!” chant.  Fails miserably.  Wait until people have their coffee, A-hole. |TheDailyWhat|

Vote for the hottest roommates. |BostonStool|

So Guess Where This Woman Was Hiding Two Knives And A Bottle Of Pills. |Buzzfeed|

Aw, Andy Dick got arrested again. I like Andy Dick. There, I said it. |TheSuperficial|

Can this super drunk dude stand up?? It’s more about the journey than the destination. |GorillaMask|

Lindsay might go to jail, is definitely wearing a see-through shirt with no bra. |WWTDD|

Kate Upton is nice looking. |HolyTaco|

Jennifer Lawrence pictures. |Clutch|

Peter Jackson finds two more Hobbity-looking dudes. |ScreenJunkies|

NOMINATE FOR COMMENTS OF THE WEEK. BUY FILMDRUNK SHIRTS. THE FROTCAST (OUR PODCAST) ON iTUNES. FILMDRUNK ON FACEBOOK. FILMDRUNK ON TWITTER.

Chinese director Zhang Yimou is the Chinese man behind the Chinese movies Hero and House of Flying Daggers.  His latest movie is The First Gun (formerly Three Guns) a Chinese remake of the Coen Brothers’ Blood Simple (trailer below). Oh, and did I mention the theme song is a rap written and performed by Zhang himself?

Award-winning Chinese director Zhang Yimou has engineered another career shift with his latest movie — a comedy remake of a Coen brothers thriller with a theme song rapped by the filmmaker himself.  The film is based on the Coen brothers’ 1984 murder-laced “Blood Simple,” but swaps the US film’s Texas bar setting for a noodle shop in ancient China, while adding an ample dose of comedy, Zhang said in an online interview.  Zhang, who is currently promoting the film, was shown on state television this week rapping out the lyrics to the film’s theme song, which he wrote.[via Yahoo]

Your move, Eastwood.  I believe the video above shows the rap at the very end, because the description was “Three Guns theme song to make public small Shenyang Zhang Yimou sings in a chorus rap.”  Haha, I love you, mistranslated gibberish speak.  It reminds me of my favorite penis pill spam email, which had the subject line: “Best manure for pork stalk!” and promised me “incredible night excitement and energy for glorious deeds.”  And no I did not make any of that up.  I’ve been referring to my penis as a “pork stalk” ever since. And when it’s medication time, I like to break out the pills and shout, “GRANDMA! COME TAKE YOUR MANURE!”

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You know, I have to hand it to Andy Milonakis.  It’s easy to like someone like Bo Burnham, because he’s all like, “Hi! I’m the precocious, multi-talented boy next door!”  Meanwhile, Andy Milonakis always gets an A+ in not giving a f*ck.  “Yeah, I’m a borderline psychotic genetic anomaly, what’s up now? I bet you’d love if it I did nice jokes and made sense, wouldn’t you, Bill H. Conformist.  Instead I wrote a Jamaican rap about zombies and eating pussy, here it go…” Seriously though, try not to laugh at the “I suck pussy on R train” line. Impossible.

I wonder what it’d be like to be 33 and look 15. I think if I were him, I’d slim down and try to bang 15-year-olds. It’s the American dream.

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Having already signed on for a full-length documentary, Joaquin Phoenix can’t just come out and say his rap career is a hoax, even though it clearly is.

After video hit the Internet last month capturing part of Phoenix’s debut rap performance at a Las Vegas club, speculation swirled that he was perpetrating an elaborate practical joke.
“I don’t know where that comes from,” Phoenix said. “If it comes from people that I’ve had a falling out with, that are (ticked) off at me?”
“There’s not a hoax,” Phoenix said. “Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that’s possible, but that’s certainly not my intention.”
Phoenix’s friend and brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, was on hand with a camera crew as he did interviews for “Two Lovers.” Affleck said his friend is completely serious.
“It sucks that, yeah, the footage is out there as like this incredibly bad sound, and you literally can’t hear what’s happening,” said Phoenix, who still has his bushy beard. “It was much better in the club, and I don’t know who said that people were booing … because that was not happening.
“Unless, of course, it’s a pretty big place, and maybe it was happening,” Phoenix added, laughing. “But it was not my experience. My experience afterward was I had a lot of dudes come up and say, `We really respect you for doing it, putting yourself out there, and going with it.’ Because I think true hip-hop heads know that it’s hard, it’s going to be a hard transition, and people are going to be lining up just to make fun of me.” [Yahoo]

So… anyone buying this, or should we go back to making Christian Bale remixes now?  Sorry Joaquin, but coming out with the tag still on your shirt might have been overselling it just a bit.

^{Joaquin Phoenix and the backwards B girl had a baby, and they named it Neveah.}

The trades are reporting today that Casey Affleck’s next project will be directing a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix’s “music career.”  This whole thing sounds a little bit fishy, because if you’ll remember, Casey Affleck was standing next to Joaquin during Joaquin’s original retirement announcement (video of that here), and was the one who had to explain that Slurry McPainkillers was planning to focus on music after he stormed off.  Oh but wait, it gets weirder:

Phoenix is embarking on a new path as a rapper, with an album to be produced by Sean Combs. He is scheduled to make his first public performance Friday at a Las Vegas club, which will officially kick off Affleck’s shoot.

I just checked my calendar and it’s not April 1st.  Are they serious?  And by that I mean, is he joquin?  Or is this simply a product of jealousy of rappers-turned-actors combined with dyslexia?  My guess is that it’s some kind of elaborate publicity stunt and they’re planning to punk the media with some nonsensical performance art that only actors will understand.

UPDATE: TMZ apparently has video of Joaquin doin’ his thang.  And by ‘doin’ his thang’, I mean slurring unintelligibly and looking like a homeless person – but this time over a drum beat!