Along with not being able to keep track of space and time and his unique physiological response to arousal, another one of Steven Seagal’s quirks is not understanding “jokes” or “context.” So when Randy Couture jokingly said he’d come out of retirement to fight Seagal, Seagal issued a totally-not-joking response to Ariel Helwani that boiled down to “any time, any place.” Though he also added the conveniently prohibitive stipulations “no rules, no witnesses.”

So what does a 49-year-old former UFC champion think of a no-rules death-match challenge from a 60-year-old fondue enthusiast? CagePotato called him up to find out (emphasis mine):

“I’m the one that started the joke as an off-handed comment I made to Jay Glazer — that I’d only come out of retirement if it were to fight Seagal. Obviously now somebody has talked to him about it and it has gotten some legs,” Couture chuckled to us over the phone today.
“I’m not surprised that he wants to do it in private, remote location where nobody could see it happen. Obviously I intended it as a joke. I don’t think it would really happen.”
Couture is clearly bemused by the actor’s ominous-sounding statements. Asked if he was intimidated by Seagal’s claim that the fight would be truly no holds barred, Couture neatly replied, “I don’t think that changes the nature of the fight at all.”
So it’s safe to say that Couture is not going to take Seagal up on his battle-to-the-death challenge, then, right? “Hey, it could happen organically I suppose,” Couture ended, simply. [CP]

Randy Couture clearly doesn’t think much of Seagal’s supposedly deadly and illegal techniques, but that’s only because all Couture’s fights have been in a cage with pre-agreed-upon rules, not the kind of waffle house yakuza brawls that shaped Seagal’s style. Couture might sing a different tune if he were ever subjected to one of Steven Seagal’s brutal nipple locks. Do you know how many powerful men Seagal has brought low by controlling them at their weakest point? It’s a key tenet of Seagal’s martial arts teaching, “it is through the nipples that weakness leaves the body.” Some say he even derives magical powers from a necklace made from his enemies’ nipples that he always wears against his skin.

Couture forgets, Master Seagal has already defeated him once using powerful nipple magic.

Intrepid MMA reporter and my best Twitter pal Ariel Helwani had the chance to interview Steven Seagal yesterday, and as always, the old poonani-loving, Nobel Prize-deserving, sleeveless kimono-wearing, front-kicking, chicken killer did not disappoint (I meant Seagal there, in case that was unclear). First, he made sure to point out that welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre is good, but not great, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact that GSP’s action movie star to humor du jour is Van Damme, while Seagal himself has long been humored by middleweight champ Anderson Silva, who may fight GSP at some point in the nearish future, in the MMA equivalent of Pacquiao-Mayweather. (With Van Damme and Seagal in their respective corners to help stretch their groins and execute proper karate kicks, I’m sure).

“I think [GSP] is a really nice guy,” said Seagal. “I think he is a good fighter and a good martial artist. Would I call him great? No.
“One of the things that a master looks at when they look at a fighter is the history of the fighter. When you look at the history of the fighter, you look at their very best fights, their best work, and their worst. If you look at Anderson’s worst fights, they’re not bad. He still looks pretty good.”
“If you look at GSP’s worst fight, you look at the thing he did with Shields in Canada, that was atrocious. I think that is very telling. I just didn’t think the technique and the fighting skill was there in that instance. I also saw him after the fight and he wasn’t looking or feeling very well either, which does have some meaning. I think he got hurt in that fight and whether he dominated him or not, I just didn’t think he looked good.”

Silva had two atrocious fights against Thales Leites and Demian Maia, and almost got wrestle-f*cked to a decision against Sonnen, so that’s just stupid. But as crappy as Seagal’s logic is, I wouldn’t argue that GSP is on the same level as Silva either. Also, I’ve buried the lede: Seagal also says he’s willing to fight retired former light-heavy and heavyweight champ (and budding action star) Randy Couture “any time, any place.” Oh pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, Dana White make this happen, this would be the best Christmas present EVER:

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Continuing its tradition of being theoretically awesome but a chore to actually sit through, The Expendables franchise added two more aging action legends to the cast of its sequel back in September, and now the first pictures of Norris and JCVD have hit the web (via ComingSoon). Continuing the tradition of silly names, according to IMDB, Norris is playing “Booker,” while Van Damme will portray “Jean Vilain.”  Just going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the latter is a bad guy. In either case, I’m sure their characters will be introduced only in the most organic, necessary-to-the-plot manner. (Sidenote: It must be awesome for Chuck Norris that he has all those Chuck Norris Facts to distract people from what a whack job he actually is.)

I also enjoy that they managed to get a Belgian in a black turtle neck and a Hollywood producer in tinted shades and a ridiculously unnecessary scarf. All that’s missing is an Italian guy in a speedo flipping pizza dough and a Mexican pulling a donkey. Come to think of it, Danny Trejo should really be in this. Playing “Juan Tofessobee” or something.
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(video should be working now. if not, watch the version after the jump)

Oi, cunts, Da Stafe ‘eah.  Dis is da traila for moy new movie, Da Expendables, innit.  Oy’s playin a supportin’ role, but Da Stafe’s agent says dis is da film dat’s gonna show off Da Stafe’s “rainge as an actor”, donnit. To be honest, oy didn’t know what da cunt was on about. Turns out, it means dat in dis movie, oy’s ain’t takin moy fock’n shir’ off or droivin flash sazz wagons, an’ oy’s jus’ s’posta stand ’round loike a sad cunt whoilst da old geezah wiff da toight shir’ knobs aw da fit birds.  Oy reckon if a bird is choosin a plastic-lookin cunt loike dat when she could get propa knobbed by a fit bloke loike da Stafe, den dis film must be soyence fock’n fiction, innit. Roight.  So oy begged da geezah da let me roide a BMX boicycle or at least knob a few birds, but da cunt was just aw loike, “Ehhh err ugghhh eeeyyy ooohhh eehhh.”

Oi. ‘ow’s a cunt sposta understand a cunt if da cunt ain’ even speakin da queen’s, roight?    Da good news is dat dey give da Stafe ‘is own trailah, an’ fock’n seafood fock’n dinnahs ev’ry noight.  But wiffout sazz wagons or birds to knob or BMX boicycles, oi ‘ardly knew ‘oo oi was anymore.  Oy ‘ad ta do a few fousand pushups ‘an ‘eadbutt da cunt wiff da clipboard just ta feel loike moyself again, now didn’t oy.  Roight.  So go see da fock’n movie, because da Stafe ‘as propa suffered for it, now ‘asn’t oy.  An if oy don’ win da Oscah after da sacrifoices dat oy ‘as made, den we know dat dem cunts at da Oscahs is nuffin but worfless pikeys.

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Sylvester Stallone called Harry from AICN this morning to report some new details about the already awesome-sounding The Expendables:

[Former] UFC Heavyweight Champion Randy Couture has been added to the movie’s cast, joining the already announced Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren.  Forrest [sic] Whittaker has also been cast in the film, which rolls this March in Brazil. Oh, and look for Jet Li to fight Dolph Lundgren.

Jesus Christ.  I might have to lift weights before I go see this movie. Naturally, I asked The Stath what he thought of his new co-star.

Oi, cunts, da Staf’ ‘eah.  Oi: so dey fink dis cunt’s some koinda foighta, now does dey?  Roight – punchin cunts is one fing, but da fit birds ain’ even gonna notice if ‘e ain’ got a propa sazz wagon or a BMX boicycle.  Aldough Oy must admit, Oy do loike da cunt’s shoiny fock’n sazz belt.  Oy should definitely get one a dose. Only problem wif belts is dat da birds is usually troiyin ta get moy trousahs down, not ‘old ‘em up, now doesn’ dey?