Continuing its tradition of being theoretically awesome but a chore to actually sit through, The Expendables franchise added two more aging action legends to the cast of its sequel back in September, and now the first pictures of Norris and JCVD have hit the web (via ComingSoon). Continuing the tradition of silly names, according to IMDB, Norris is playing “Booker,” while Van Damme will portray “Jean Vilain.”  Just going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the latter is a bad guy. In either case, I’m sure their characters will be introduced only in the most organic, necessary-to-the-plot manner. (Sidenote: It must be awesome for Chuck Norris that he has all those Chuck Norris Facts to distract people from what a whack job he actually is.)

I also enjoy that they managed to get a Belgian in a black turtle neck and a Hollywood producer in tinted shades and a ridiculously unnecessary scarf. All that’s missing is an Italian guy in a speedo flipping pizza dough and a Mexican pulling a donkey. Come to think of it, Danny Trejo should really be in this. Playing “Juan Tofessobee” or something.
Read the rest of this entry »

(video should be working now. if not, watch the version after the jump)

Oi, cunts, Da Stafe ‘eah.  Dis is da traila for moy new movie, Da Expendables, innit.  Oy’s playin a supportin’ role, but Da Stafe’s agent says dis is da film dat’s gonna show off Da Stafe’s “rainge as an actor”, donnit. To be honest, oy didn’t know what da cunt was on about. Turns out, it means dat in dis movie, oy’s ain’t takin moy fock’n shir’ off or droivin flash sazz wagons, an’ oy’s jus’ s’posta stand ’round loike a sad cunt whoilst da old geezah wiff da toight shir’ knobs aw da fit birds.  Oy reckon if a bird is choosin a plastic-lookin cunt loike dat when she could get propa knobbed by a fit bloke loike da Stafe, den dis film must be soyence fock’n fiction, innit. Roight.  So oy begged da geezah da let me roide a BMX boicycle or at least knob a few birds, but da cunt was just aw loike, “Ehhh err ugghhh eeeyyy ooohhh eehhh.”

Oi. ‘ow’s a cunt sposta understand a cunt if da cunt ain’ even speakin da queen’s, roight?    Da good news is dat dey give da Stafe ‘is own trailah, an’ fock’n seafood fock’n dinnahs ev’ry noight.  But wiffout sazz wagons or birds to knob or BMX boicycles, oi ‘ardly knew ‘oo oi was anymore.  Oy ‘ad ta do a few fousand pushups ‘an ‘eadbutt da cunt wiff da clipboard just ta feel loike moyself again, now didn’t oy.  Roight.  So go see da fock’n movie, because da Stafe ‘as propa suffered for it, now ‘asn’t oy.  An if oy don’ win da Oscah after da sacrifoices dat oy ‘as made, den we know dat dem cunts at da Oscahs is nuffin but worfless pikeys.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sylvester Stallone called Harry from AICN this morning to report some new details about the already awesome-sounding The Expendables:

[Former] UFC Heavyweight Champion Randy Couture has been added to the movie’s cast, joining the already announced Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren.  Forrest [sic] Whittaker has also been cast in the film, which rolls this March in Brazil. Oh, and look for Jet Li to fight Dolph Lundgren.

Jesus Christ.  I might have to lift weights before I go see this movie. Naturally, I asked The Stath what he thought of his new co-star.

Oi, cunts, da Staf’ ‘eah.  Oi: so dey fink dis cunt’s some koinda foighta, now does dey?  Roight – punchin cunts is one fing, but da fit birds ain’ even gonna notice if ‘e ain’ got a propa sazz wagon or a BMX boicycle.  Aldough Oy must admit, Oy do loike da cunt’s shoiny fock’n sazz belt.  Oy should definitely get one a dose. Only problem wif belts is dat da birds is usually troiyin ta get moy trousahs down, not ‘old ‘em up, now doesn’ dey?

As previously reported, Pride and Glory director Gavin O’Connor was having trouble getting his movie released, and was threatening to hold up Warriors, an MMA movie he was developing.  Today, Pride and Glory finally has a release date, and Warriors, originally slated for New Line, is moving forward with Lionsgate.  I know, I’m as relieved as you are.

[Warriors is] a mixed-martial-arts saga about two estranged brothers on a collision course to fight in a tournament for the heavyweight championship.
…The helmer credited New Line head Toby Emmerich with being "gracious enough to let it go" to Lionsgate.

I bet he even pretended to hold back tears, like I do with skanks when they finally find a ride back to their house the next morning.  Elementary school chicks are so gullible.  Yet so sexy.

O’Connor conceived the drama as a potential trilogy, and Lionsgate will also be involved in a mixed-martial-arts tournament dubbed Sparta that will be launched in connection with the movie.
O’Connor has partnered in the 16-man grand prix tourney project with UFC heavyweight champion Randy Couture, who will play himself in the film. [Variety]

Every MMA league except the UFC is currently in bankruptcy or hemorrhaging money, but I’m sure the company that gave us Witless Protection are just the ones to make it work.  I mean, it is called Sparta.  This. Is. Sparta.  OMG, that could totally be their slogan, LOL!  Still, many fear that this is yet another setback for Gun Kata. 

As a 44-year-old disputed UFC Heavyweight champion and complete, undisputed badass, you’d think it’d be hard to make Randy Couture look unintimidating.  All the credit goes to the producers of the direct-to-DVD feature The Scorpion King 2.  Way to take a guy famous for beating the crap out of younger, bigger men and turn him into someone who gives the kids a good mild scare on the way to the hay ride.  RAWRRR!! Ha, just kidding, little buddy.  Here, have a Butterfingers.

Prepare to be rocked like a hurricane, August 19th!  I blame you for this, Dana White.

[Thanks to Liam for the tip]