Folks, if you’re standing you’d better sit, and if you’re bareheaded, you better put on a hat so you can hold the F onto it: it turns out British tabloids aren’t reliable sources of information.  (*covers umbrella with lighter fluid and sets it on fire*)  Even though The Sun reported a few days ago that UFC funny guy and avid dry humper Rampage Jackson was confirmed to play B.A. Baracus in the A-Team movie, it turns out that’s no more true than their report about Eddie Murphy playing the Riddler in the next Batman.  From MTV via Fightlinker (great site, btw):

MTV has confirmed that UFC champ Quinton “Rampage” Jackson has not been cast as B.A. Baracus in the coming big screen adaptation of “The A-Team.”

What I CAN tell you is that I reached out to Jackson’s publicist who checked with the fighter’s manager, as Jackson himself is currently on hiatus. The response? “His manager said it wasn’t true.” Move along people. There’s absolutely nothing to see here.

Well that’s a shame.  Rampage as Baracus was by far the most interesting thing I’ve heard about this project so far. I know most of us were young and impressionable when it came out, but let’s face it, The A-Team was a pretty dopey show.  You wanna make a movie about people who drive around in vans that I’ll watch?  Call up Story and Trailer Trish.  Can’t you just picture Gary Busey as the town Sheriff sidling up to the driver’s side window, “We don’t think kindly to… vanners in these parts.”    And then Trish’d be all, “Leave me alone!  You’re just jealous because I drive a Wizard of Oz truck!”  It could be like Easy Rider for the vanner community.  Of course, they’d have to show it at the drive in.

GeekTyrant and other sites are reporting (the original story apparently came from the notoriously full of sh’t Sun) that Rampage Jackson has been cast as B.A. Baracus in Joe Carnahan’s A-Team movie (which, though I hate to burst your bubble, is going to suck).  It would make a lot of sense, in that Rampage Jackson is a big black guy who beats people up.

Most recently Jackson has been filming The Ultimate Fighter Season 10 in which he coaches opposite Rashad Evans.  The Sun reports that he beat out 50 Cent, The Game, Tyrese Gibson, and Ice Cube for the role after he impressed film bosses with his “charismatic audition”.  And by “charisma” I imagine they mean “dry humping.”  (see videos below).  In my apartment and/or crawl space, that also counts as “foreplay.”

Jackson will supposedly star opposite Liam Neeson as Hannibal and Brad Cooper as Faceman Peck (though I don’t believe either of those have been confirmed outside of the Sun, either).  Reached for comment, an out-of-work black actor said, “So, you decided to cast an athlete and not a rapper this time, huh?  That’s awesome, I’m glad I went to Juiliard.  Anyhoo, I’m gonna head down to TBS to see if Tyler Perry’s new show is hiring, you a-holes.”
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If you caught The Ultimate Fighter finale on Saturday night like I did, you probably remember Joe Rogan interviewing Kevin James and his gay TapouT hat (way to go, fatass, you’re totally hardcore now) about his new movie, Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  But unless you watched the Video Game Awards the other night, you were probably lucky enough to miss his turn as presenter.  The ensuing skit isn’t so much a comedy bit as it is a mashup of everything wrong with society.  Rampage Jackson comes out at the 3:10 mark and whiffs on the only chance to make this a success by not punching Kevin James really hard in the face.  Things that would’ve been fresher and funnier than this:

Bears riding horses [Adds Ufford: I bet they finished in the honey]
Kevin James getting hit with a pie
Kevin James smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer
Kevin James in blackface
Kevin James balancing spinning plates on sticks
Kevin James juggling on a unicycle
Kevin James vs. a tiger
Puppies dying
A brilliant scientist slowly succumbing to Alzheimer’s disease
ANYTHING.  ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

*brain aneurysm*

[Props: CagePotato]

I haven’t posted a UFC-star crossover movie in a while now, but fear not because Never Surrender is here, and it looks almost as good as Beyond the Ring. It stars George St. Pierre, Rampage Jackson, B.J. Penn, and Anderson Silva.

Never Surrender is an erotically charged, controversial action-thriller set in the world of underground street fighting where an MMA fighter who has been drawn into the world by an erotic and sexy promoter, quickly realizes that there is no way out, other than death. [IMDB synopsis - written by the director]

Sounds uh, erotic.  Look, I love MMA and I love movies, but the combination really doesn’t work.  It’s like saying, “Hey, people like basketball.  Why don’t we make a movie about basketball, but more exxxtreme! We’ll get LeBron James to star in it, and he’ll do crazy dunks from half court and shit!  Wouldn’t that be badass?”  No.  No it wouldn’t. 

This basically looks like WWE, but more rap-metally.

[via Yardbarker]

What you see above is a clip from Cyborg Soldier, in which former UFC Middleweight Champ Rich Franklin plays, you guessed it, a cyborg soldier. It appears he was sent to protect Kelly Kapowski from better acting jobs. Why is his nose crooked, you ask?  I don’t know, but if I had to guess I’d say he got kneed in the face by a newer, blacker cyborg.  That’s out on DVD – don’t miss it.

Meanwhile, it seems UFC Welterweight Champ George St. Pierre is also getting into the acting game, as “Crusher” in Hector Echavarria’s Death Warrior. What’s that about, you ask?

The film is about the top fighters in the world coming together having to fight in a deadly game, a game to the death. [mmachump/department of redundancy department]

The other top fighters in question are Rampage Jackson, who will play “Wolf”, and Anderson Silva, who will play “Fuego”.  Not much is known about the plot at this time, but I’ve already begun to imagine “Fuego” as a gay Latin robot.

[Thanks to Ufford for the tip and CagePotato for the video]