Sylvester Stallone and Harry Knowles from AICN have a special relationship, in that Sly sends Harry videos of himself working out and Harry gushes about Sly “sweating and glistening.”  So it’s no surprise that Sly gave Harry the scoop on the plot of Rambo 5 (which doesn’t have to do with Mexico or human trafficking, as originally reported).  Here’s the audio clip, in which Sly’s voice sounds like a normal person with the tape slowed down.  Here’s what Sly says:

“Hey Harry it’s Sly, thanks for posting that.  But I think there’s been some slight confusion regarding all the talkbacks.  I think the majority of these individuals misunderstood, it’s not a Universal Soldier, it’s not me fighting a soldier, it’s actually me fighting a feral beast.  It’s uh, a thing.   An amalgamation of fury and intelligence, and pure unadulterated rage.  It’s before men, became hu-men.  It’s when they were still in-humen. And what he confronts is something that is everyone’s virtual nightmare.  So in no sense of the word does he go against quote, the Dolph Lundgren or Jean-Claude Van Damme universal super-soldier.  He’s going against a feral beast, that has absolute cunning and intelligence and a will to survive that is only matched by Rambo’s, and that’s what makes it uniquely different.  It’s like man’s conscience fighting his dark, dangerous, uncontrollable subconscious.”

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I’m not going to make fun of Sylvester Stallone for being old, because hey, everyone gets old (except for me, fingers crossed fingers crossed…).  At least Sly had the decency to shoot HGH and stab gooks in the face.  Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, Rambo 5.

The upcoming project’s storyline revolves around Rambo fighting his way through human traffickers and drug lords to rescue a young girl abducted near the U.S.-Mexico border. Production will start in the spring. [Variety]

DAMN YOU, HUMAN TRAFFICKERS!  STOP STEALING PEOPLES’ DAUGHTERS!  “I don’t know who you are.  I don’t know what you want.  If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you that I don’t have money.  What I do have is a particular set of skills.  Skills that I have acquired over a long career.  Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.  And when I’m pushed… killin’s as easy as breathin’.”  *downs steroid pills, tears off a Mexican’s arms and beats him to death*

OOOH WHA-AA AA-AA!!

*Bow and arrow, bodies hitting floor*

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! If you came here for answers you’re in the wrong place, but isn’t guessing fun?  Now, who wants to take a shot in the dark? Pew pew!

The Sun is a British tabloid, and thus half their stories are completely made up lies.  Nonetheless, I couldn’t resist this one because it had an adorable picture of Mickey Rourke and his new pet chihuahua, Jaws at the top.  Anyway, the Sun says that in addition to The Expendables, Sly Stallone is making Rambo V and wants Rourke to be in it.

“A source said: ‘It was weird seeing two movie tough guys sipping tea on the veranda [of the Four Seasons in L.A.]. They chatted about the Oscars then Sly begged Mickey to sign for Rambo V. Mickey said he was up for it.’”

I’m not sure Mickey Rourke needs to get roped into another one of Sly’s HGH-fueled, three-quarter life crisis films.  How about just a documentary about Mickey Rourke and his dogs, with some Sarah McLachlan or emo piano in the background?  Don’t even act like you wouldn’t cry the whole time.

I will use any excuse to post these pictures

Tucked into a boring THR article about Lionsgate is confirmation of what many of use (especially Asians) had long feared:

On the development horizon are “Warrior,” which Gavin O’Connor co-wrote and will direct; “Conan,” a fast-tracked project with multiple scripts in the works; “Severance Package,” with Brett Simon writing and directing; “Rambo V,” to be written and directed by Sylvester Stallone; “Korean Wedding” from writer Jason Filardi; and “Kane & Lynch,” a video game adaptation that will star Bruce Willis.

Regarding “Rambo V,” we’ve already heard lots of rumors about it and now it looks like things are moving forward. One of the rumors is that Stallone will use an alternate script he wrote for “Rambo IV,” which involves Rambo’s daughter being kidnapped by cult leaders. [Worst Previews]

Keep in mind, Lionsgate is also responsible for the Saw franchise and Disaster Movie. And that Warriors is “a drama set within a family of mixed martial arts fighters.”

But it’s easy to see what the conflict will be in the next Rambo. “When you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin’… *cough, cough* F-ck, I’m out of breath. Jesus, how many stairs does this place have? Hoo boy, can a fella get an oxygen tank over here?”