Here are some more of today’s stories that, instead of covering completely, I’m just going to gently waft my farts onto:

Clint Eastwood in talks to direct J. Edgar Hoover biopic.  Ron Howard and Brian Grazer will produce, with screenplay by Milk‘s Dustin Lance Black.  Little known fact: the J in J. Edgar Hoover stands for ‘Jackin’ off in women’s underwear.’  |HollywoodReporter|

- RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s your favorite Clint Eastwood-directed movie?

Jason Segel and Ed Helms teaming up for Duplass Brothers movie.  Jeff Who Lives at Home has been described as “a Sword in the Stone-style quest movie about a stoner’s search for some wood glue. The story takes place over the course of one day, and follows two brothers, one a loser who lives at home (Segel)  and the other more together but overbearing” (Helms).”  So basically, a mumblecore version of Stepbrothers.  I still haven’t seen a mumblecore film, the same way I refuse to find out what “steampunk” means.  |SlashFilm|

Steve Martin to join Jack Black and Owen Wilson in birdwatching comedy.  “Based on a 1998 book “The Big Year: A Tale of Man, Nature and Fowl Obsession, it is about three men who try to outdo each other in a bird-watching competition to spot the rarest birds in North America.”  Said The Stafe, “Where Oy is from, it ain’t about ‘oo sees da fit birds, it’s about ‘oo knobs ‘er onda ‘ood of ‘is sazz wagon, donnit.” |HollywoodReporter|

Some dude from Twilight and some other dudes star in new Calvin Klein campaign aimed at abrasive gays. Seriously, this is weird. |Vulture|

John Krasinski’s set to star in Something Borrowed opposite Ginnifer Goodwin.  Looks like someone read my How to Write a Rom-Com article. |THR|

Korean pop star Rain set to star in remake of Sydney Pollack’s The Yakuza. It’s really good casting, because I imagine The Yakuza will be about Asian people. |Pajiba|

And finally, that autistic British ogre filmed herself watching a Twilight video again.

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(It’s ironic that the spark factory is where dudes most often go shirtless)

I’m still convinced this film is going to blow massive yak nuts, but at least Ninja Assassin finally has a decent trailer.  It’s basically the male equivalent of Twilight.  Full of lame clichés and even sort of missing the whole point as to what it’s supposed to be about (confuses macho posturing for violence just like Twilight confuses melodrama with romance), at least this one focuses on the blood instead of the horrible plot.  Granted, the blood is CGI as are the weapons, but it does have a shirtless Asian guy in a spark factory and a chick getting chopped up and stuffed in washing machine.  Not exactly my fetish, but… I could ‘bate to it.

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(“Hey, bros, watch me pose shirtless with these swords I never actually cut anyone with.”)

I always get a couple people whining in the comments section when I rip on Ninja Assassin (from Wachowski Bros protege James McTeigue and Korean pop star Rain), but come on, tell me this synopsis doesn’t give you a major case of the dismissive wanks.  From Collider:

Raizo is one of the deadliest assassins in the world. Taken from the streets as a child, he was transformed into a trained killer by the Ozunu Clan, a secret society whose very existence is considered a myth. But haunted by the merciless execution of his friend by the Clan, Raizo breaks free from them…and vanishes. Now he waits, preparing to exact his revenge. In Berlin, Europol agent Mika Coretti has stumbled upon a money trail linking several political murders to an underground network of untraceable assassins from the Far East. Defying the orders of her superior, Mika digs into top secret agency files to learn the truth behind the murders. Her investigation makes her a target, and the Ozunu Clan sends a team of killers to silence her forever. Raizo saves Mika from her attackers, but he knows that the Clan will not rest until they are both eliminated. Now, entangled in a deadly game of cat and mouse through the streets of Europe, Raizo and Mika must trust one another if they hope to survive…and finally bring down the elusive Ozunu Clan.

Blow me.  And of course the clips are all stylized slo-mo and wire fu.  Haha, I love you, masturbatory posturing.  All I’m saying is if you film two guys sword fighting, someone better be getting a limb cut off or else they may as well be frotting.
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Latino Review is reporting a scoop that Warner Independent Pictures is doing a “noir-style remake” of the Bruce Lee-classic Enter the Dragon, starring Korean pop star Rain (see also: Speed Racer, Ninja Assassin).

“The Shield” exec producer Kurt Sutter said he’s writing “Awaken the Dragon” as a contemporized drama about a lone FBI agent who pursues a rogue Shaolin monk into the bloody world of underground martial arts fight clubs.

Aw, crap.  Cam Gigandet’s going to be in this, isn’t he.

“I’m a huge noir fan, and this plot lends itself to the film I want to make,” Sutter said. “I wanted to set it in these underground fight clubs where the action is really raw and expose the brutality of Shaolin Kung fu. This will be more ‘Raging Bull’ than ‘Crouching Tiger’ in its viciousness.”

Huh.  The raw brutality of kung fu, eh?  I thought the whole kung fu mystique (at least, the mystique of actual kung fu, not the crazy wire-fighting stuff) had been broken when they started having actual martial arts fights, and the kung fu guys won approximately… never.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be wanking dismissively using only my chi.

Also, I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this picture of Rain. It’s a Raingel!

This is the trailer for Ninja Assassin, from V for Vendetta director and protege of the Wachowski… uh, siblings… James McTeigue. And for extra credit, it stars a Korean pop star known simply as “Rain.”  Well, looks like now’s good a time as any to break out the played-out crappy action movie checklist. Shall we?

• Ninjas? Assassins?  Check and check, obvi.
• Origin story?  Check.
• Underexposed for dramatic effect?  Check.
• Gruff Asian mentor with thick accent?  Check.
• Pop musician attempting to act? Check.
• Homoerotic shirtless training montage?  Check.
• Protagonist raised by fraternity of assassins?  Check.
• With whom he later has a falling out?  Check.
• Slow-motion CGI weaponry?  Check.
• Car driving through explosion? Check.
• Cheesy butt rock soundtrack courtesy of Linkin Park or Papa Roach or God forbid… Hoobastank?  Check. (*shudder*)
• Epic choir gasps???  Check and mate, motherf*cker! TICK TICK TICK… SPLOOGE!

Well that clinches it, this looks familiar enough for me to go see (I spaz out like an autistic kid when movies get too unpredictable).   Man, one job that must be recession proof is the people in that epic opera gasp choir.  Between UFC events and movies based on graphic novels, they must work 18 hours a day. You can just see them practicing. Instead of a baton, the conductor just stands at the podium karate chopping boards.  Ahh ahh ah-ah!  Ahh ah ah ahhh-ahh AH AH….