Oscar-nominated director Jim Sheridan is known for movies like My Left Foot, In the Name of the Father, In America, and Get Rich or Die Tryin’ (one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong).  He seems to be continuing his “lol wut” career trajectory with Dream House starring Daniel Craig, Naomi Watts, Rachel Weisz, and Elias Koteas, all of whom deserve better than this.  The film releases September 30th, one year after it was supposed to come out.  The delay was for reshoots (always a good sign), which had to be delayed a year because Daniel Craig had better sh-t to do.

Kind of sad that the guy who made My Left Foot is now making a horror movie reminiscent of cheesy ’70s gimmicks like haunted houses, secret dwarf hookers, “it was all a dream OMGZORS”, and “the killer was you the whole time”.  Let’s just plow through this depressing development and describe this awful, movie-spoiling trailer.

Daniel Craig quits his “high power job in Manhattan” to relocate his hot wife and two adorable, never-bratty kids to a “quaint New England town”.  This never happens in cinema.  Soon weird things go down and they find out a murder occurred before they moved in, which they weren’t informed of by the realtor because laws don’t exist in this movie universe.  The wife and two kids who used to live in the house were murdered and the only suspect was the husband, who was institutionalized because deinstitutionalization never happened in this universe either.  Craig goes to the mental institution to talk to the guy for some reason, and he finds out *record scratch/spoiler alert* he is that guy and his family was dead the whole time. WHAT A TOTALLY ORIGINAL CONCEPT, AND PERFECTLY BEFITTING INCLUSION IN THE TRAILER.  Gaaah, f–k you, Dream House trailer.  I hate you so much.

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Confession time: I love 8 Mile.  I watch it every damn time it comes on HBO and have half the rap battles memorized (“This guy’s a gangsta? His real name’s Clarence.”).  The only non-actor I can remember who basically played himself as well as Eminem did in 8 Mile was Howard Stern in Private Parts.  Yes, I realize that’s a pretty small list. But dammit, Eminem is coming back to movies, and that makes me happy.  …No, no, that’s okay, I’ll stuff myself in the locker.

Eight years later [after 8 Mile], Eminem is primed to make his return — a sexy return at that. It’s not a highly personal tale, nor an ’8 Mile’ sequel, but rather Fernando Meirelles’ upcoming sex-themed drama, ’360,’ placing him face to face with some of Hollywood’s best talent. Meirelles is the man behind ‘City of God,’ ‘The Constant Gardener’ and ‘Blindness,’ and he’s already tapped both Rachel Weisz and Anthony Hopkins for roles. Now, with the latest report from Production Weekly’s Twitter feed, we’ve got Eminem and Frances McDormand circling. [Moviefone]

City of God might be in my all-time top 10, but I don’t even want to see this movie. I just want visit the set and see B Rabbit and Tony Hops have a rap battle in front of the lunch truck.  And then maybe have France McDormand tell Em he’s a “dope rapper” in her Fargo voice.  …Yes, a boy can dream.  Oh would you look at that, spilled nacho cheese on my shirt.

Well excuuuuse me for trying to make this both boob-filled and relevant.

Entertainment Weekly claims an exclusive that a Jackie Kennedy script once set to be a Spielberg movie for HBO, will now star Rachel Weisz and be directed by her husband, Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler, Pi).

Jackie, written over period of nights and weekends by Noah Oppenheim, catalogs the four days between JFK’s assassination and his burial, showing the beloved Jackie at both her most vulnerable and her most graceful. Oppenheim heads Reveille’s unscripted department [ie, reality TV] and previously served as the senior producer on The Today Show, running the 7 a.m. hour. Aronofsky will direct and produce.

I’m a huge fan of The Wrestler and I know Aronofsky’s got skillz, but a movie about a famous lady grieving while exhibiting “vulnerability” and “grace” (as well as “poise”, I’m sure) sounds like about the most boring thing ever.   What they should do is hire Troy Duffy to direct and make this an Inglourious Basterds-style, alternative history revenge flick with RFK and Ted Kennedy as the leads.

TEDDY: Hey, er ah, Rawby: you gawt ya fackin’ gun lawcked an’ fackin’ loaded?

ROBBY: Ya gawddamned right I do.  I even picked up a new one from Tawmmy down at the hahbah.  Now let’s go get these hahd ons that killed owa brothah.

*they cross themselves, kill everyone in super slow motion, put pennies over the corpses eyes*

Fin.

Hey, kids.  Do you like Wes Anderson and unnecessary voice over?  Then you’ll love the first seven minutes of Rian Johnson’s* The Brothers Bloom (starring Rachel Weisz, Adrien Brody, and Mark Ruffalo, none of whom appear in this clip).  It actually started to win me over towards the end. The guy can clearly tell a story, it’d just be nice if he eased off the oh-so-precious elements, like little kids who dress like Charlie Chaplin and talk like Our Gang.  Also: can we stop with the little-kids-falling-in-love plot device already?  If 10-year-old boys are gonna start trying to impress chicks all the time, I’m gonna knock them in the mud and put frogs down my pants just to even things out.

*Says Johnson’s wikipedia page: “Johnson is also an accomplished folk singer.” Gee, you don’t say.

[and sorry about the video, non-U.S. peeps, but there's not much I can do when the only place hosting it is Hulu. Write to them and complain, because it's frustrating for me too.]

^{If you see one movie with bowler hats this summer… make it Sherlock Holmes. But if you see two…}

…Yeah, so that’s just about the gayest headline pun I’ve ever written.  Anyway, after the jump I’ve got the trailer for The Brothers Bloom – starring Adrien Brody, Mark Ruffalo, and Rachel Weisz – director Rian Johnson’s follow up to Brick (which I never saw but am told is good).  It basically looks like Oceans 11 meets Dirty Rotten Scoundrels as directed by Wes Anderson.  Oh my gosh, aren’t these characters quirky?  I wonder if the mark will become the con at the end!

I like how complicated criminal enterprises are in movies.  In real life, 99% of all mob plots consist solely of beating someone up and telling him he owes you money.  So I’ve heard.
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