As we’ve discussed plenty in recent years, Michael Bay is a man of extravagant taste. The Academy Award-watching director and producer has a legendary fondness for making things go KA-BLAMMY as the hot action star of the moment rolls on the ground in slow motion while wearing an open button-down shirt, before he pops up to shoot a bad guy in between the eyes and rescue the smoking hot model-actress that very few people have ever heard of. Or something like that.

The latest super duper smoking hottie hot hot hot lady joining Bay’s stable is Israeli supermodel Bar Paly, who will star alongside Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Mark Wahlberg in Bay’s “passion project” Pain and Gain. The film is about two bodybuilders who get caught up in some serious crime stuff, but the whole time you’re going to sit there thinking, “Dude, what’s up with the hottie, bro?”

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This news comes from Variety.  The best part is, this is the article in its entirety:

Rachel Nichols (“Star Trek”) has joined the cast of “The Loop.” Nichols plays Fiona, a librarian who joins a highway patrolman to uncover the mysteries behind the cryptic sayings spoken by an ancient parrot. Nichols was most recently seen in “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.”

Okay I lied, the best part was actually definitely the thing about the parrot.  So it’s basically like National Treasure, except this time, instead of a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence, a parrot.  National Treasure: Bird of Secrets.  No word on who’ll play the highway patrolman, but is it just me, or is this role absolutely screaming for Nic Cage?  “What is it, bird?  WHAT IS IT, BIRD!? WHATISITBIRD WHATISITBIRD WHATISITBIRD?!?”  See also: “THE BEAK! NO, NOT THE BEAK!! AAUGGH IT’S IN MY EYES!!”

In barely related but awesome news, there’s a death metal band called Hatebeak with a parrot for a lead singer:

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It’s fun seeing how much G.I. Joe is going to suck, and in that regard, this latest clip DOES. NOT. DISAPPOINT.  This must be some of the finest dialogue ever hastily scribbled on a napkin in crayon.

GENERAL HAWK: [To Duke] You scored in the top half percent of all the people we’ve ever tested.  And Rip, if we average your scores with Dukes, you’d pass too.
[Laughter]

AHAHAHAHA, GET IT?? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THE BLACK GUY ISN’T SMART!  LET’S ALL TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF AND WORK OUT!  Later, Ripcord decides to chat up Scarlett while she reads “The Aufbay Principle” – it’s a book about science, because she is a scientist, you see, and scientists read science books while they work out.  Don’t let her jiggly sports bra fool you! (the extra ‘T’ in Scarlett stands for “Titties for days, y’all!)

RIP:  Look, I think you and me got off on the wrong foot.  See, I’m attracted to you, and you, you’re attracted to me.
SCARLETT: We’re attracted to each other.
RIP: THANK YOU!
SCARLETT:  That’s what you’re saying.  It’s not what I’m saying.
RIP: It’s not?
SCARLETT: Attraction is an emotion.  Emotions are not based in science.  And if you can’t quantify or prove that something exists… in my mind it doesn’t.

Oh right, she doesn’t believe EMOTIONS EXIST, because EMOTIONS aren’t BASED IN SCIENCE.  Because SHE is a SCIENTIST, you see!  WOOOF.  Man, I gotta find me a redheaded skeptic.  They always have awesome jugs.

Courtesy of JoBlo, here’s your first look at Rachel Nichols as Scarlett, aka Shana O’Hara, from Stephen Sommers’ upcoming G.I. Joe movie.  Stephen Sommers, of course, is the hack known previously for his work on Van Helsing.  Hey, does this picture remind you of anything?  I bet if he did a remake of Superman, Superman would wear black and carry a crossbow.

Also, a character named Scarlett has red hair?  Wow, super creative.  Just once I’d like to see it be an Asian chick after a couple cocktails.

(I took the liberty of including a few other pictures of Rachel Nichols, for, uh, research purposes.) 

Some Korean dude (Byeong-Heon Lee) and some hot chick (Rachel Nichols, pictured) will play Storm Shadow and Shana "Scarlett" O’Hara in Stephen Sommers’ upcomng GI Joe adaptation, joining the previously cast Ray Park and Sienna Miller.

So far, the best thing I can say about this is that the Korean dude’s first name sounds a lot like Dave Chappelle’s Howard Dean impression (video after jump).  Byah!

Because other than that, it’s still a bad idea directed by the guy who did Van Helsing – a guy who I wouldn’t hire as a wedding photographer.  I know movie execs don’t read, but don’t they at least watch movies?

Look, I just think some people are qualified to be filmmakers and other people are qualified to be ground up and fed to starving African children.  I guess I’m just old-fashioned like that.   

PETIT UPDATE: As reader Jacktion! so helpfully points out, Rachel here’s been photographed kinda sorta naked before.